AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

You were awesome OP well done!

I'm afraid he's likely to get worse before its gets better, he'll sense he's losing control if you and step it up a few notches, just remember, he has no control over you any longer, you owe him nothing! Keep it up.

Well done for been so strong! Keep this up and they will soon realise you mean business and are not going to keep pandering to their games. X

My word!

You have done really well - ignoring his manipulative behaviour can't have been easy but you managed superbly!

This first time is the hardest. Next time will be easier, and the time after easier again.

Well done, it will get easier.

He can have contact with DS or not his choice. You are giving him the opportunity if he doesn't utilise it that's his and MILs issue.

How dare he keep on with the "but you're my wife" like you are his toy and possession

Well done. He’s your ex. He doesn’t get to dictate ANYTHING, or force you to do anything. You’ve had great advice on here, stay strong, take back your power.

WELL PLAYED, OP!!!!

Seriously, well done. I'm sure it wasn't easy but I hope it felt great!!! Onwards and upwards!!

you absolute legend. You kicked ass!

Haha 1 - 0 to Darkle

Excellent grey rock. You didn't get drawn in. He's made it so clear he just wants to get a rise out of you, not really bothered about interacting with DS or he would have got a story. Let's see if he gets a story ready tomorrow night.

Round of applause for the OP!

Oh wow. He's a piece of work. "I dont want to talk to you, that's why I left you. I'm doing this so you can see your son. If you are using this as an opportunity to talk to me and try to force me to do things I dont want to do, then I'll have to stop these video calls on advice of my solicitor"
You dont owe either of them a second of your time.

You handled yourself very well btw!

Darkol 🍾 it will get easier.

Ah well done Darkle! You were brilliant!

Now give some thought to how often you actually want to converse with your Ex and his mother. I certainly wouldn't be having a conversation every day with such an abusive twat.

Well Done

Brilliance! Bloody well done.

And everything that Quickquestion said.

I am having a very small glass of wine to calm my nerves now DS is sound asleep.

Thanks to all for all the help and advice.

Dreading looking at text messages tomorrow, but for now just going to keep phone on aeroplane mode and then change number, as multiple of you have wisely suggested. Keeping that number for him only in an old phone.

Am awaiting nuclear fallout now.

One thing, it did seem his mum didn't know about the call and think he hadn't even told her. The "she's busy" bit was very abrupt and dismissive. I think he just doesn't want her on the call.

Would it be a bad thing if I texted her tomorrow morning and said "Ex said you couldn't make the video call with DS last night, hope you can join the one with DS tonight at 7 as planned."

Really thinking that he hadn't even bothered telling her. Then again is that up to me?

No not your job anymore

Don't engage, its up to him to involve his MIL or not, don't get sucked in. Minimal contact and try your best not to think about it.

I agree it isn't up to you.

That said, if it's something that you would like to happen & know he won't do it-why not let her know?

Although I would probably say that a video chat is happening at 7pm if she wants to join in?

@Quickquestion2020

Might borrow this paragraph if you don't mind .

He made hardly any attempt to engage with DS in the 10 mins he was on

Well done. You've done it now, so each time it will get easier. Absolutely do not engage with his mother. Not your job.

That was outstanding OP. Well done. Do not crack now - don't answer any calls or texts. He's seen that you and DS are alive and well. You don't owe him anything else!

@wineandroses1

I am going to cut down to every other day while in lockdown and MIL can join if she likes.

Every day is too much, my nerves were/are starting to shred.

Offered tomorrow again at 7 and genuinely can't trust him to say to her. Really think she didn't know.

That was a great update to read. Brilliantly played. Unfortunately I think you're right that it's going to get harder in the immediate future. They always get more abusive when they sense they are losing control. The kickback is going to be hard, and you'll be getting it in the ear from two angles.

Stick to the precise same responses you've already given. EXDH has hit the nail on the head. There's no need for either one of them to be talking to you about anything other than DS. Don't under any circumstances engage in any other line of conversation: as soon as they've drawn you in, they've got you. Don't defend yourself, and don't let them get under your skin with your perceived weak spot (i.e. they see you as the bad guy). From now on, what they think of you is none of your business. Carry on with the powerful non-defensive communciation aka grey rock and you'll leave them nothing to argue with.

Don't answer the door to either of them if they turn up. Don't negotiate: you've told them what will happen and they can agree to it or walk. And enjoy that well-earned glass of wine!

It's no longer your responsibility to facilitate the relationship between your ds and your mil, that's now up to your ex.

Once again, you rock OP