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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 01/04/2020 18:35

You've got this. He's losing control so he'll keep trying to regain it. Best to go grey rock and not admit any anxiety or weakness as he'll use it against you. Grey rock is the way.

You're doing brilliantly!

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 18:38

I haven't replied to his earlier message and certainly won't be ringing MIL.

(If she is so keen to speak why not leave a message)

Will be ringing as arranged at 7 and he can add MIL to call.

He is going to be raging. Can imagine MIL won't be available for call at 7 mysteriously and that was why she was ringing earlier. So now I will be the bad one again etc as I have caused her to miss contact.

If he does start saying this (and I think he will) I will do as suggested and terminate call and hide phone for night.

OP posts:
soannya · 01/04/2020 18:41

You are not a couple anymore. He doesn’t get to rage at you. He now should be treating you the same as the cashier who serves him in Tesco. Keep that in mind.

copycopypaste · 01/04/2020 18:43

Stay strong OP you git this. Remember you don't have to justify yourself. In the words of the MN massive 'no' us a complete sentence

LemonBreeland · 01/04/2020 18:45

You've got this OP. We are all behind you.

HelloYouTwo · 01/04/2020 18:48

You’ve got this. And by all means adopt his approach - he likes to issue orders so you do the same. Polite (seemingly), short and factual. Rinse and repeat. Never apologise, never explain, never justify yourself.

Call tonight is at 7. Don’t forget the reading book.

Call tonight is at 7. You’ll get more of his attention if you read a book to him.

Call tonight is at 7. Over and over, every day or whatever the schedule is. Wants you to call his Mum? Call tonight is at 7 if she wants to join. Wants you to engage? Call with ds is at 7. Accuses you of fighting. No fight here, call is on as usual at 7. Wants to speak to you? No need for us to speak on the phone, email me if needs be. Your call with ds is at 7.

And YES to a phone number for everyone else and this one for him. Then you can turn the phone off and forget about him.

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 18:48

He will always think you are the bad one.

As a general rule of thumb, if he is raging at you or going on about how you've done this or that bad thing then give yourself a pat on the back. It means you did something strong and right.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 01/04/2020 18:48

We’re all here and wishing you strength & support.
You have got this!

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 18:49

Rant rage stamp

He's not entitled to an audience. You were asked to offer a call. You offered a call. If MiL can't make it then oh well, another time. What they don't get is you running around after them like a good girl, facilitating their every convenience and providing at the same time an obedient ear for them to bash. Be boring about this.

Contact with ds: this time: here's ds. End of your involvement and interest.

maddy68 · 01/04/2020 18:50

People are feeling very isolated and vulnerable right now. It would be a nice thing letting her see her grandchildren. What's the harm

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 18:52

If he starts on you about how you stopped poor dear MIL from seeing her darling dgc, you must channel your inner Windsor Davies.

Oh dear what a pity never mind.

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 18:53

maddy have a read of the thread.

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 18:53

maddy the MIL is invited to Skype the grandchild. It is planned.

ktp100 · 01/04/2020 19:02

7pm! Good Luck, OP!

You got this.x.

JimDuggansEye · 01/04/2020 19:09

Oh, for fucks sake. No wonder people get trampled upon if what I've just read is not a troll.

You've got this, OP. Ignore the idiots

I0NA · 01/04/2020 19:11

You have not forced MIL to miss contact if she can’t make it at 7pm.

She has missed contact because she wasn’t free. It’s her choice.

And of course you are the bad one. You always will be so you might as well get used to it now and stop trying to make them like/ approve of you. Just accept that they hate you and get on with your own life , doing what’s best for you and DS.

diddl · 01/04/2020 19:29

If MIL isn't/wasn't available she has had plenty of time to speak to her son & a polite message be sent asking for a change of time/day.

If they weren't both so nasty, their calls/messages wouldn't be being ignored.

HelloYouTwo · 01/04/2020 19:42

I hope it went ok OP. If your MIL is feeding you any passive aggressive bullshit about her not being free at 7 and missing out on a call ignore it. No one has any prior engagements right now!!

ButteryPuffin · 01/04/2020 19:49

@maddy68 She can see her grandson, OP has offered that! She just isn't going to be allowed to rant on to OP about why she ought to get back with her awful ex while she's about it. All she has to do is be reasonable!

My mum would have been available any day or time I suggested for her to speak to DS, because she was keen to make our lives easier and wasn't a drama llama. All this could have been easy but because ex and his mother want everything exactly their way, it's been a drama! Time OP stopped letting them walk over her.

ButteryPuffin · 01/04/2020 19:50

Also @HelloYouTwo makes an excellent point - what else is she going to be occupied with under lockdown?

user1471590586 · 01/04/2020 19:55

Can you get your parents to make the Skype call to the MIL and supervise your child?

Redshoeblueshoe · 01/04/2020 20:08

You are doing brilliantly Flowers

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 20:14

So... here's what happened.

Kept out of sight and focused on DS as advised here, thanks folks Flowers.

Video called ex. I said are you not adding MIL to call?

Ex: What?
Me: I said I thought we'd agreed to add MIL.
Ex: I don't know how Hmm.
Me: I'm sure it can't be that hard?

2 secs later he adds her.
Video call rings out on her side
She rang us both back (voice call) which I was able to accept.

MIL: Hi ex did you ring me? ignores me
Ex: I was just trying to add you to the video call with DS, never mind mum.
MIL: What video call?"

Hmm

I hang up. Ex rings back by himself on video about 10 seconds later

Me: Is MIL not joining us as planned?
Ex: No, she's busy. very abruptly
Me: Ok, are you going to read DS a story then?
Ex: I don't have one. Darkle what's going on here? My mum says she rang you twice earlier and you didn't answer. Do you think that's acceptable? I rang and texted you as well and you didn't answer. Do you think that's reasonable?
Me: Oh, I had my phone on DND as I was working. Are you not reading a story to DS?
Ex: So you're not even talking to me now? Is that it Darkle? You are refusing to talk to me Darkle? You are my wife Darkle and you have my son and we can't even talk?
Me: This call is for DS, talk to DS. Your mum can join the call at 7 tomorrow.
Ex: Hi DS. then again in next breath But Darkle, what are you saying here? What's happening? Are you saying we can't talk now unless it's about DS? Call me after this.
Me: No. I'll call you tomorrow when we can add MIL to the call. DS cut a tooth today etc.
Ex: So that is how it is Darkle? I have to be on the call with my mum? Why can't you do it separately Darkle? Why are you being like this Darkle?
Me: DS had a good day, he was in the garden with his grandad a lot. Look Ex DS is getting overtired. Do you hear his breathing he's starting to pant.
Ex: You mean you want to end the call Darkle. That's what you mean. You want to end the call. How come you won't talk Darkle?
Me: DS is tired. He's had a big day. Say goodnight to daddy DS.
Ex: Darkle. Wait Darkle, why won't you talk Darkle?
Me: Say goodnight to daddy DS
DS: Night night.

Terminate call

10 minutes later MIL rang me again, didn't answer. Suspect he was straight on phone with her after.

Have just put phone on aeroplane mode.

Phew.

Don't know if MIL knew about call in advance or not.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2020 20:14

You have not forced MIL to miss contact if she can’t make it at 7pm.

Where is she?

Out dancing?

Poppinjay · 01/04/2020 20:15

So now I will be the bad one again etc as I have caused her to miss contact.

That doesn't matter a jot.
a) Whether one of them sees you as the bad guy is nothing to do with you. You do not need them to hold you in high regard.
b) If she misses this call, she can join the next one.

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