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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
I0NA · 01/04/2020 15:52

I agree, you are being brave by setting your own boundaries and sticking to them.

When he says “ be brave “ he means “ be obedient “.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 01/04/2020 15:55

Stop jumping to his every command. He isnt the boss of you. You've been split for 5 months fgs, not 5 days, he should be getting the message by now.

Trust an abuser to use something learned in marriage counselling against you!

Please take the brilliant advice given on here on board and just plonk your son in front of skype. Your attendance is not required.

Stop giving them opportunities to get at you.

He sounds bloody infuriating Nd how you haven't told him to just fuck off I do not know.

He won't get custody and you not answering questions from his MIL is not your unreasonable behaviour.

HotelBravo · 01/04/2020 15:56

Plus, it shouldn't take 'bravery' to speak to a reasonable person, so he must know he is an unreasonable arsehole to deal with.

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 16:02

Thoughts?! That he's a patronising arse. Who talks to you as if you're a child.

Poppi89 · 01/04/2020 16:05

When he says “ be brave “ he means “ be obedient “.

Yes this!

He is trying every tactic to get you to do what he wants - do not fall for it, you're doing fantastic!
I'm sure he will be extra nice and then get angry and threatening. Just carry on doing what you're doing.

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 16:09

He's also interpreting as 'you're too anxious to speak to him' as opposed to 'I have my own life and you're being very boring mate, I'll get to you when I'm ready'.

ButteryPuffin · 01/04/2020 16:11

Ignore, ignore, ignore. No response until the Skype call. You don't have to do as he tells you, and he can't make you. All the 'be brave' stuff is more manipulation so don't feel you have to prove you can do it and phone.
Btw your counsellor saying you had to 'work on your anxiety and self esteem' since the ex is the cause of those issues, surely they will improve by having less contact with him?

copycopypaste · 01/04/2020 16:16

Can you set your ds in his high chair, strapped in, and the the phone or iPad just out of reach but so you don't have to be there. You can then busy yourself out of sight from your ex, but so you can still see your ds. That way he doesn't know if you're listening to him or not. If your ex calls you over just tell him the call is for your ds and if he's done talking to him then you'll end the call.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 01/04/2020 16:18

If you have to reply at all I'd go with "No arguments necessary, we'll be on for the call tonight and your mother can join."

Reject the idea its an argument at all - you've outlined what you'll do and that's that.

TigerKingisMental · 01/04/2020 16:31

No arguments necessary, we'll be on for the call tonight and your mother can join.

I would go with this. Then ignore any other texts. Put DS in front of PC and then find something else to do. If they start or DS gets antsy just cut the call short. Just say you've got things to do. Put barriers up and keep them firm.

forrestgreen · 01/04/2020 16:32

And get your mum to change his contact details on her phone to "ex I'm busy" so she can remember not to talk to him

forrestgreen · 01/04/2020 16:34

No reply or
"Why would I need to be brave? There isn't an argument to be had. I'll ft you and your mum at xoclock. Don't forget to get a book ready to read to him"

And then put it back on dnd. Remember you're not in a relationship with him any more. You're a single mum who I think I read was working too. You're way too busy to be pandering to him.

Is there a way to mute him except for an hour etc

foodandwine89 · 01/04/2020 16:44

You've had some great advice here, OP. I would add though that MIL is his mum, not yours, and even if she weren't a manipulative arsehole (which she is), she would still never be on your side. Never. Maybe in private she knows he's an arsehole but she will never voice that. So you need to let that idea go.

That being said, she is his mother so the relationship between DS and her is HIS problem and HIS problem alone. You are not her family. It is his responsibility to keep her updated and get her on family calls.

I would also suggest having your parents around for this call, that might help you a lot. If one granny is there, the other ones can be there too. Let her make an arse of herself in front of more people.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2020 16:54

You’re already being brave, he just doesn’t like it!

Tell him you don’t want to. He and his mother can ring at 7pm as previously arranged. You don’t want to speak to his mother separately and there is no need for you to.

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2020 16:56

I think he is going to try a variety of different approaches until he hits on one he thinks has worked.

Stick to your boundaries.

STAYTHEFUCKHOME · 01/04/2020 16:56

“Hi Ex, no can do - I’m sticking to texts, to make sure things don’t become an argument. The FaceTime between You, DS and MIL is still on for 6pm”

MulticolourMophead · 01/04/2020 17:03

And get your mum to change his contact details on her phone to "ex I'm busy" so she can remember not to talk to him

I agree. Although as a mum to an adult DD myself, I might have been surprised the first time but after that, I'd be on my guard.

And yes to having your mum around for the call. I'd be there to be firmly (and visibly) on DD's side if she were in this position.

ktp100 · 01/04/2020 17:58

You ARE being brave by standing up to him.x.

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 18:08

Be ready to hang up on him. Have a phrase ready. "Right, DS has had enough so I'm going to get him ready for bed. Say bye bye DS." Then wave bye bye and hit the big red hang up button, even if they are mid sentence.

diddl · 01/04/2020 18:11

If he's not looking for an argument-he could just go along with what you are saying for his son & his mum.

As for being able to talk-well no because he doesn't -he tries to control.

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 18:14

Can you arrange your face to look monumentally bored?

If I were you, any suggestion of anxiety and I'd say "Don't worry, my anxiety has completely cleared up now." No matter whether it is true or not: the line for him is that your anxiety etc is all gone, you feel strong, any lack of response on your part is just that you are busy and his messages are rarely important.

mbosnz · 01/04/2020 18:21

Or, 'it's amazing, my anxiety really cleared up when I made some very necessary changes to my life. . . so obviously I wouldn't be thinking of reversing those changes. . .you utter prick'

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 18:28

Have taken phone off do not disturb again.

No more messages/calls from ex but what I do have is 2 missed WhatsApp voice calls from MIL.

No message though from her or ex.

Hmm
OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2020 18:29

If I were you, any suggestion of anxiety and I'd say "Don't worry, my anxiety has completely cleared up now." No matter whether it is true or not: the line for him is that your anxiety etc is all gone, you feel strong, any lack of response on your part is just that you are busy and his messages are rarely important.

This

It's not that you aren't "brave" - it's that you have better things to do than get caught up in a pointless text conversation

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 01/04/2020 18:29

She’s TOTALLY his flying monkey!!