AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

You're doing really well. Keep it up!

Arse, I meant to include this. It was recommended up thread but the full text is available to read online. Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That?

archive.org/stream/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that_djvu.txt

Record everything if you can. Diarise what you can't record. Keep all texts and emails from both of them.

Am just going to ignore and block until video call later. And try and forget about him today and enjoy my DS at home for a change in between WFH.

Bravo. You've left him. You don't need to be giving him time and headspace by reading, worrying, thinking about him and how to handle him.

"I am really starting to not want anything to so with her but realise poor DS is caught in middle of this and she is his gran."
Yes she is his gran. But she is also a poisonous manipulative person. Whilst in an ideal world we would all have our children's grandparents in their lives, sometimes, it's best for the children if harmful grandparents are kept at arm's length (and sometimes to be nowhere in their lives).

Just as your son detects his father's 'tone', he will also absorb what his grandmother is doing. He won't understand it, but he'll soak it up - two year olds are like little sponges that way. You might have to consider that contact with this woman is not in your son's best interests. 'She is his gran' is really not enough of a reason to expose your son to her manipulation.

"Record everything if you can. Diarise what you can't record. Keep all texts and emails from both of them."

Agree with this 100%. You mentioned upthread that he has threatened you re; custody before. It would be really helpful for you to keep a record of/evidence of his harassment and/or abuse.

rattusrattus20 "OP absolutely must allow ex-MIL to [constrained by his age etc] have a good quality chat with DS for a decent amount of time."
Why is this an 'absolutely must' rattus ?

Can you get one of your parents to supervise the call later? You stay completely away. Your mum or dad can say "We thought this would be a great way to let darkle have a few minutes to herself for once." If ex and the flying monkey object "Send darkle an email if you have something to say/ask. This call is for DS."

YY to sending a batch of meeting invitations for specific days and times. Have ex blocked on Skype the rest of the time. Record every session. Say it is so DS can have it replayed if he wants.

@MontysOarlock

Thank you and thanks to others who suggested this.

I think he falls under water torture. That was an eye opener reading that part.

Great plan op, enjoy your day! If you happen to think of him picture a dandelion and blow all the little pieces away in your mind.

In general, I don't think it's acceptable for anybody on UC or other benefits to buy any expensive luxuries. Cigarettes is the one that gets on my nerves the most!

Sorry, wrong thread

You have come a long way in 24 hours - well done!!!

Just took my phone off do not disturb.

He has just rang (didn't answer) then has now sent this by text:

Hi Darkle, can you give me a quick call when you have a chance. Not looking to have an argument or anything. Take marital counsellor's advice and be brave!

Note we did go to marital counselling before when first separated and he is aware I am anxious answering phone etc due to his behaviour. Counsellor said I needed to work on my anxiety and general lack of self-esteem.

Thoughts...?

Do nothing. Put your phone back on do not disturb.

You haven't even seen his messages, you've been too busy

Agree with @torktorkbam - just don't engage or reply. You've made your position clear so no need to chat.

Ignore. It's not up to him, it's up to you when/if you speak. The more he calls, the less you answer.

Yes no need to chat.

Wait and the messages will turn nasty. Won’t be long....

You’ve done the right thing. He wants you to engage so he can “negotiate” with you. It’s not a negotiation as your only option is to bend to his will. Don’t.

Well done!

There’s nothing to talk about at the moment is there? Perhaps you could reply (when YOU want to) - busy at the moment, let me know if the joint Skype call suits and give me a time. Don’t answer or engage in any further conversation.

At a later point you could email him setting out how you want things to work, and that you wish to remain amicable for the sake of DS, but you won’t be engaging in conversations outside of the basic arrangements for your son. Don’t let him gaslight you into making it ‘your’ problem because ‘you’ have anxiety. This is a classic abusers tactic, to diminish you and harm your self esteem. You are anxious because he is an abuser OP, not because you are an anxious person. Remember that and continue to protect yourself.

Are you planning to divorce him OP? It might be a good idea to start getting a solicitor organised if you can. They will give you good advice free initially about how to proceed.

If you feel under pressure to reply back to his text you could go with:
My phone call will be on Skype at 7pm as arranged and your mother will be added to the call. Stop texting/calling me until then as you're harassing me.
Then put your phone back on Do Not Disturb and have a cup of tea for yourself.

You're doing great!

By putting these boundaries in place and taking advice, you are working on your anxiety and general lack of self-esteem

Well done!

Marital counselling is not recommended in cases of domestic abuse. Your anxiety is most likely directly linked to the fact your ex is a controlling arse, as is any low self-esteem issues you might have.

Give him times and dates for a call with ds. You do not have to speak to him. You do not have to call every day.

Be brave?! You ARE being brave. Ignore him, it's obviously getting to him.