AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

You will also be teaching your DS about healthy boundaries as he grows up by having them yourself. It’s all good.

Well done op. Switch your phone off now until you're ready to deal with him.

As you said, having a different phone for him will help with this.

Also, before responding to him when he does text (which I'm sure he will), don't knee jerk reply, come on here and bounce ideas around. It'll help loads with the anxiety and stop you engaging with him and responding emotionally and unnecessarily

I would relish the opportunity to challenge his mother on her distorted thinking, but I can be very assertive and confrontational when faced by hypocrisy.
Glad to see the posters here are spurring you on to be more assertive and to identify patterns of control. It’s lovely that your parents are so supportive too.
I would say his mother wants the opportunity to badger you. If you don’t want that you set the FaceTime up so it’s hands free, brief greeting and leave them to it. Then I would space the two calls apart so your son isn’t overwhelmed. That is if the solicitor thinks it is to your advantage to be seen to facilitate contact with MIL, if not I’d take a hard line and tell DH to do it.

Almost immediate reply to my text.

" could you give me a call when you are free?.
We don't have to be fighting Darklesparkles, we should be at least able to talk."

Just day no I've made my position clear and you are now harresing me

He is not your boss

You've had a discussion with him he doesn't get to keep the discussion ongoing till he gets the result he wants

You don't need to respond OP.
Be strong.

He's so predictable! You're not 'behaving' so now he wants to guilt you into a phone call where he can pressure you further. Don't reply. You're not fighting - telling that he sees any difference of opinion as that - you've just stated what you're going to do. Nothing to talk about, you'll be calling him later!
Either don't reply at all or just send 'we're not fighting, no need to talk when I'll be calling later' and then silence.

I would also say this in a text so that it doesn't look like you are refusing to discuss.
We are 'fighting' because you refuse to respect my boundaries and decisions after a discussion. You have very good contact with DS in these circumstances and given his age. Your constant communication about the same thing is harresing me at a time that is already deeply stressful. '

Id respond with 'i've nothing further to discuss with you, I'll make ds available at x time for his call with you and your mother. My phone will be off until then'

then switch off your phone and don't turn back on until it's time to FaceTime. Don't read any of his messages at that point, just delete them without reading.

Might be worth having your dad on standby to tell him or his mother you have nothing to discuss with them at this time. If he can't be there and either of them start simply say 'i have nothing further to discuss with you, as you're now talking to me, I presume you've finished talking to ds. I'll make him available at X time tomorrow' then end the call and switch off your phone. You don't need his permission to end the call either, just hit 'end'

There can only be one possible reason why he wants to speak to you and that is to harangue you further. If he had accepted your position, it wouldn't need a phone call.

Respond with what copy said.

His mother sounds like a right PITA. But I actually agree that if you are going to facilitate some contact for DS with her, I'd do it without your ex because there's no way she'll be able to talk to him or engage with him or even just watch him properly if your ex is on the line too. But I second all the advice here that if she starts questioning you, just end the call. You don't need to justify yourself to her.

I learnt when DS was a baby that I could try to get MIL to understand/agree with my way or I could simply tell her that we both have opinions but as DS' mum, my opinion is the one that counts. That's what I did. It wasn't easy but I made it clear that I didn't need to justify my parenting decisions to her. You need to do the same with your MIL - you don't have to explain or justify your relationship break down. It's not her business. If she tries, at best, give her one warning, "MIL, I'm not going to discuss this with you - this call is for you to talk to DS". If she persists, put the phone down.

Your ex' PA comments re missing Ds etc are extremely annoying. But again, if he's used to regular contact you can't blame him for being upset, especially if he disagrees with why you're keeping him with you. So I'd be doing the same: "Ex, please can you talk to DS about fun things, play with him (peekaboo and similar work well on FaceTime), read him a story etc. There's no point upsetting everyone by harping on about the situation which is as it is." And end calls if he doesn't.

Text back 'no' or just ignore.

Don’t reply! Pretend you haven’t seen that text. Switch phone off or block or mute him for the rest of the day. Video call both him and his mum (connect his mum first if they are in separate places), set your ds up with toys etc as previous posters have suggested and put yourself behind the screen. Once D’s is bored and disengages, it’s a nice cheery “time to wave bye to Nana and Daddy!” And end the call. Reblock / remute until tomorrow.

What part of what you just texted was"fighting" and "being unable to talk"?.
What he means is "You aren't doing what I want you to do, now I'm going to make you look like the bad guy untill you do".

Dont let him make you feel you are in the wrong. This is all manipulating you to do what he wants. Stick to your guns.

My brothers ex demands he talks to her, she doesn't want to talk, she just wants to have a go about something, so he tries to speak to her the bare minimum now, don't engage with him, keep it about Ds only.

sad could you give me a call when you are free?.
We don't have to be fighting Darklesparkles, we should be at least able to talk."
Bahahaa he has missed the boat for thinking he can play mr reasonable and caring so he can trick you on the phone to abuse you.
Ignore it. It’s not about his child. It’s not your problem.
Look confused when you do the FaceTime and say yes I saw it just now but no idea what you meant. We weren’t fighting, if your mum wants to see ds she can join this call, there wasnt anything to talk about.

He is guilting you. see it for what it is. He will use ANY tactic to continue to abuse you. You do not have to do as he says. I agree that the best route is to ignore his reply. Be strong OP, you are doing so well.

YANBU but this is a good time to start teaching her that you will not discuss your relationship. Everytjime she starts hang up, then by time this is over she'll know better!

Thanks everyone for replies/advice.

Am just going to ignore and block until video call later. And try and forget about him today and enjoy my DS at home for a change in between WFH.

Thank you all again for your support

Stay strong OP you are doing really well x

BTW, you could mention re joint skyping,
I have been more than generous with my time on facilitating this Skyping "Actually DS only looks at the screen intermittently. You want to look at him/talk to him, this is very rarely reciprocal. as you well know.
Don't push your luck. Dick

Fighting?!! For just saying no?! That's hilarious!

He's seriously deluded and entitled, isn't he?!

I think you are doing incredibly well Darkle it is incredibly hard to change your usual response. I personally haven't had to do this but my SIL does with her own parents, especially her Mum. It has taken her a long time to see it for what it is, controlling, manipulative and always about what she wants.

Remember this is about what you want. As he is not in the same hous as you or physically in your presence you don't get to see his tantrums. He is not your concern, your son is. You will facilitate only within what works for you. End phone calls, mute texts. His control of you needs to end.

But I would prop the phone, make the call and walk out of shot. You can still hear everything, they just can't see you. Prop it so that they can see your son playing. Good luck.