AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

Can I also add - don't respond to multiple messages saying the same thing in different ways - and tell him that you wont ' I'm not responding to any further questions on this subject - you are harresing me'
Evidence for any further court cases plus making him aware you recognise his methods.

A video call is for contact with your ex and DS, not for MIL to check up on you!

I would call at the agreed time, say a quick hello but completely ignore ex and MIL. Make every single bit of conversation about DS because he’s the focus of the call, isn’t he?

‘Are you still working?’ ‘‘Did I tell you DS is teething? It’s made him a bit grumpy’
‘How are your parents coping?’ ‘DS‘S favourite toy today has been a wooden spoon’
‘Who is looking after DS?’ ‘DS is sleeping better since we bought blackout curtains for his room now the mornings are lighter’ etc

Don’t let these horrible people bully you and get the court order in place as soon as you can.

OP, saying "No" is like using a muscle...the more you use the word, the stronger the muscle becomes, as you get used to the sound of it.

Your MIL sounds like a nag...

Long term she may not be good for your son.
Just because she is his Grandmother, doesn't automatically mean she is a good person.

I think you should reduce contact and show them who is in control.

Don't ask him for that bill again if it is for the phone..terminate the contract.

Having a phone for contact only with him could be very useful.

Instigate contact arrangements by email.

Anything that you hear from either of them just kill the call...no explanatory necessary....they will get the picture.

The fact your son is responding to his fathers tone of voice is what you should be acting on....its not good.

I also think it is ridiculous that you have this daily stress...twice a week...like it or lump it.

You are never going to feel better about this situation if you have this daily bullying going on.

Agree two times a week and don't engage anymore.

They are both bullying people....use this time to distant yourself from them.

You sound lovely OP, good luck

Yes, like that. The problem I have is this terrible pit if anxiety I get in my stomach when I have to do something I find difficult like this I.e something that means essentially standing up to him. It makes me want to avoid the situation entirely which I can't keep doing for the rest of my life.

I've experienced this- being absolutely sick with fright at the thought of a confrontation even though you know you are in a safe place, and nothing can (physically) hurt you. It's a real visceral feeling and you can't ignore it. If you're like I was, even the phone ringing turns your stomach just on the off-chance it is him.

However I found that when I steeled myself (and it took some doing) to face it, it wasn't easy at first but it got easier every time. Once you experience success in your interactions you will develop the confidence to cope with anything!

You have done so well leaving him, and sticking to your guns and not going back - please take the advice on here. Reduce the FaceTime (frequency and length of interactions). Combine your ex's calls with his mother's and don't be bullied into offering more than YOU are comfortable with. Any inappropriate comments - end the session.

You can do this - it is for your son's health, too.

@I0NA

Not ignoring advice, have taken on board not appearing on screen and not engaging.

Am just saying that she will do it anyway and then it will further ammunition on my "unreasonable" behaviour.

Guess I need to learn not to care.

"Think it would be too confusing for DS to have us both on same screen"

"ou think wrong, then."

And if the MIL asks intrusive questions - none of her business.

So don't answer. Literally stay silent. If she says 'did you hear me?' or 'why aren't you answering me?' say 'I'm not going to talk, I'm just here to let you talk to DS' and repeat that, broken record style. If she just keeps at it say 'got to go now, say bye bye to Granny, DS!' With practice and a script it will get easier.

You’re doing great!

Have you tried the Freedom Programme? It will help.

You should ask the phone company if they can transfer ownership of the phone contract. If it needs his input, tell him and give him 7 days to complete it. Then you’re cutting it off. Severing these ties will make it easier.

Keep everything breezy, but firm. Assume they are recording you, and as such don't swear or whatever......but don't sway from your predetermined 'script'.
The previously mentioned "Must dash" is perfect. Cheerful, but direct.

Yes definitely pay to terminate the phone contract. I'd actually do that now so he doesn't decide to get his own back on you for disobeying by running up a bill.

What @Mix56 said - he doesn't rule your life, you do. His daily demands are unreasonable. His flying monkey has been prepped. He's used to running the show.

BUT you left, you are still working, you have your child, you are supported by your parents, YOU are holding all the cards.

Am just saying that she will do it anyway and then it will further ammunition on my "unreasonable" behaviour.

Keep it polite, breezy and don't answer any questions, just keep re-directing the attension back to DS. That's the purpose of the call, after all, and they won't be able to use it as evidence of unreasonable behaviour because you're donig what was promised, ie facilitating calls with DS.

Whether they record it or not, no-one is going to view it as unreasonable behaviour on your part. Except them, but they don't matter now.

Ok, have just sent this with a few pictures of DS:

No, that doesn’t work for us. If your mother wants to talk to DS, she can join in with your call later tonight.

Think I should now switch phone off.

Have to also send him written notice about lockdown contact (lack of contact because of my household circumstances for current lockdown duration), which the solicitor is 100% behind. This day could be fun. Imagine he will go bananas.

Just plonk DS in front of the camera and leave them to it!

Ex is definitely ordering you around. Tell him you plan to fit in calls when convenient and wil communicate with his mother about this. A bland, non-specific assertion that you're already doing it should neutralise his requests.

Good luck! That was a perfect text, well done!
I would definitely turn the phone off for a bit.

I totally get how hard it is to stand up to him. But the first few times are the worst. It WILL get easier to enforce your boundary. When i split with my ex i thought of it like i was drawing a circle around myself. Any time he tried to encroach on my circle, it was like he was pushing into my personal space. Unwanted phone calls, texts, etc was like him trying to push into my personal space. Imagine if someone was right there next to you getting closer than your comfortable with. You'd push them away, right? I quickly got to the point where i felt about to "push him" out of my personal space. I thought of these texts and calls as him throwing stuff into the circle to try and get attention and soon i got angry that he felt entitled to do that. Thankfully we didn't have a child together but that's why i said about a separate phone. You can switch it off to stop him coming into the circle (shut him down) until you are ready to deal with him. Sorry if this sounds rubbish, I'm a very visual person so if i can picture things i find it easier to process. You've got to find something that works for you so you realise that is perfectly ok for you to say no to him.

What's the worst that will happen if you say no. He gets pissed off. Then what will he do? Try and work out what youre afraid of. Maybe you're afraid he will kick off, threaten, shout scream. That can be very frightening but fear is just an emotion. you thought that would happen before but you were surprised to receive fairly reasonable responses in return. maybe your imagination and your experience of being in an abusive relationship is making you fear something that isn't likely to happen. If you don't break this now, you'll be living in fear of him forever.

Good!

And yes, phone off. If he wants to entertain himself sending twenty furious texts he can crack on with that, he's going to have to figure out you're not his partner any more.

When you do look at the texts, you also don't need to reply to anything that's just arguing/threatening/wittering/nothing specifically to do with talking to ds at specific time and place. Do agree with pp that if your mum can facilitate a few calls in the short term it may help to get over that this is contact with ds, not with you.

Well done, OP!

Maybe just put the baby in front of the camera tonight, with your Mum sitting visibly in the background drinking a cup of tea and if questioned say you still have work to do? If he starts to badmouth you or question your Mum then stop the call?

I'm sure he'll blow your phone up today. Good idea to turn it off to avoid it but make sure you screen shot abusive messages if they do come, especially on Whatsapp as they can be removed.

Hope you're feeling ok.x.

(Somewhat baffling that MiL seems to believe that her and his behaviour is any incentive for you to rush back to him... as opposed to giving multiple reasons as to why you made a very good decision leaving him!)

If it was me, I'd put ds in a corner in the kitchen with interesting toys, prop my phone up, FaceTime both of them. Spent approx 30 sec saying look can you see daddy and nana. Then get on with tea.

They can sing to him or read him a story or talk about the toys he can see.

I certainly wouldn't be involved in a conversation, they're not FaceTiming me.
If they ask, "it's your time with ds, I wouldn't want to intrude"
If ex moans about his mum being on, say you'll do every other day with each of you, both together, or nan can join in every other day. You choose. But ds can't concentrate for two ft a day.

@ktp100 genius! If they can't see you, and try to influence you...maybe their desire to constantly 'chat' to ds will fade.

I would set up FaceTime call and then leave your child to it............................................... (could be very amusing........)

indeed as Forest has just suggested, brilliant!

Other replies have covered the basics.

OP absolutely must allow ex-MIL to [constrained by his age etc] have a good quality chat with DS for a decent amount of time.

But OP has no obligation at all to engage with ex-MIL at all, it sounds like it'd be better if she didn't, just needs to keep an eye & ear on the chat to make sure the call hasn't disconnected or whatever.

Well done OP. Great message. You can do it!