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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Selfish husband, lockdown hell

131 replies

rosegoldswan · 29/03/2020 11:20

I'm getting to the point where I just can't stand the sight of my husband.

I have been placed on furlough, so I am only getting 80% of my wages but bored stiff indoors with nothing to do like many people. I'm worried that I won't even have a job when the scheme is over. husband earns a lot more than me and is working from home, so he is saving about £250 that he would have spent on train fares whereas I am losing about £200 a month. He is using several electronics all day, his laptop from about 9am until 11pm, plus his tv on too, sometimes his xbox as well. I've said I'm worried about how high our electrics bill will be, and that he should pay for any extra using the money he would for his train fare. He gets angry and starts shouting that it's his money and he thinks the bill should be 50/50 even though I'm not using electrics all day.

He makes mess and won't clean up, and gets cross if I clean up because he has a strange obsession with HOW things are cleaned, even when he doesn't want to do it himself. He screams if I clean the bathroom because apparently I am doing it wrong, and heaven forbid if I try to polish anything. The grass needs cutting but I'm not allowed to cut it because he thinks I will break the mower but he won't do it himself either.

I don't know how I can survive weeks / months locked up inside, without even work as a getaway. I want to just stay out of his way but we don't have a big house so not really possible. I Just want to scream!

What would you do, AIBU on any of these points

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 29/03/2020 11:24

I doubt you are alone in how you feel, I think this lockdown will end a lot of relationships as everyone's bad habits or character traits are magnified being stuck together 24/7.

Why are you worrying about the electric? Is it a bill you normally pay yourself? I don't really understand that as you are married.. does your DH get paid into a separate bank?

PepePig · 29/03/2020 11:24

And why did you marry him?

Windyatthebeach · 29/03/2020 11:24

Op you need a patio... Always an alibi available on mn....

lmcneil003 · 29/03/2020 11:26

Devices like Xbox don't use much leccy. Investigate a good lawyer and make the move when this is all over. You cannot live with this man forever.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2020 11:28

What is the worse that can happen if you clean as you wish or mow the lawn?

Will it just be shouting or something else?

And when this is over (and it will be) how easy will it be to split up? Do you own or rent? Any children?

Thehop · 29/03/2020 11:28

Get your ducks in a row and leave him when this is over. He’s a twat.

BritWifeinUSA · 29/03/2020 11:28

Seriously, why are you two married if you argue over who uses the most electricity and who pays for what? Do you separate everything like this? Do you going how many cornflakes he eats and how many you eat? I noticed in your post “his money, his TV, my money, my electricity” and it sounds more like flat mates than a married couple.

Smelborp · 29/03/2020 11:29

You don’t have to put up with a selfish man who screams at you.

rosegoldswan · 29/03/2020 11:31

'What is the worse that can happen if you clean as you wish or mow the lawn?'

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

OP posts:
LittleLittleLittle · 29/03/2020 11:31

FFS you are married. It isn't your money and his money it is your joint money. If you don't have enough money for something then he should pay more and vice versa without question.

I suggest you buy yourself some noise cancelling blue tooth headphones and spend your time researching divorces online.

koshkatt · 29/03/2020 11:32

OP this is not right and it is not safe for you. He is an abusive prick. You need to leave him as soon as you can without looking back.

cherrybunx0 · 29/03/2020 11:34

not gonna lie, you've got bigger things to worry about then the electric bill. he sounds seriously abusive. please consider not being with him. poking is violent and so is pushing

ButteryPuffin · 29/03/2020 11:35

The electrical use won't make a big difference and is justifiable anyway during lockdown so I would let that go. However, the other things sound horrible. Do you have children with him? Are there any family or friends you could move in with?

koshkatt · 29/03/2020 11:35

Even if you cannot leave now, make plans to as soon as you reasonably can. Get in touch with people who can support you now and later on. Try to look forward with hope because you need to be free of this.

koshkatt · 29/03/2020 11:36

And do NOT tell him about your plans.

BlackeyedSusan · 29/03/2020 11:38

999 police if he does it again and you are scared. consider 101 to report him in the mean time.

YgritteSnow · 29/03/2020 11:46

Oh shut up @PepePig Hmm

I feel for you OP. My ex was like this. Unbelievably controlling but didn't really exhibit until after we'd been married a while, in common with many abusive men. He's still on the scene trying to dictate how I handle food buying and lock down but I just ignore the message and feel fortunate that I don't have to see him for ages as he is a flaky twat plus having to isolate as he went on holiday to a badly affected country right in the middle of it all going on. I'm sorry for you. Perhaps looking up your options and making plans to end the relationship might give you some sense of hope?

LightenUpSummer · 29/03/2020 11:57

He sounds absolutely mental OP Flowers

And bordering on physically abuse. Please protect yourself and make plans to leave asap.

Nearlyalmost50 · 29/03/2020 11:58

Your husband is abusive, physically and mentally. He sounds horrible. Is there any way you can get away from him? I think that in situations like this, you would be entirely justified in leaving him (do you have children?) and going to another household and staying there.

I am all for not spreading the disease, but honestly, you have to risk-assess your own life and protect yourself. Jabbing and pushing you is physical abuse, the other option is to call the police- they are still (as far as I know) responding to DV calls at the moment and expecting a surge of them.

speakout · 29/03/2020 11:59

I would leave.
Right now.

Longtalljosie · 29/03/2020 11:59

Do you have kids yet? Is there anywhere you can feasibly go?

AnnaMagnani · 29/03/2020 12:00

You should be a team - bills being paid together and you having equal spends.

I am not sure what you do think is violence - he is already violent towards you as he is pushing you, poking you hard while screaming.

He is financially, emotionally and physically abusive towards you. The cleaning thing sounds like coercive control - whatever you do is the wrong thing. You are walking on eggshells around him.

I suggest you quietly start reading Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That while he is playing his xbox, deleting your browsing history. Start contacting Women's Aid and getting informed about your rights but be very quiet and try to aggravate him as little as possible.

Ultimately, you will need to get out.

pictish · 29/03/2020 12:01

And why did you marry him?

And why did you stir yourself to type that out?

EmeraldShamrock · 29/03/2020 12:03

Stop letting him tell you what you can or can't do. Mow the lawn, take this time to build yourself up. He is a bully.
When this is over sell up and move on LTB.
It sounds like he enjoys criticising you. Sad

NoSquirrels · 29/03/2020 12:03

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

OK, I am sorry to say you are in an abusive relationship.

You need to be careful. This period of stress and enforced isolation together could be really dangerous for you.

Please open a private web browser and research Women’s Aid and Refuge for information on how best to cope right now. Plan to leave as soon as you are able.

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