Selfish husband, lockdown hell

[rosegoldswan]

I'm getting to the point where I just can't stand the sight of my husband.

I have been placed on furlough, so I am only getting 80% of my wages but bored stiff indoors with nothing to do like many people. I'm worried that I won't even have a job when the scheme is over. husband earns a lot more than me and is working from home, so he is saving about £250 that he would have spent on train fares whereas I am losing about £200 a month. He is using several electronics all day, his laptop from about 9am until 11pm, plus his tv on too, sometimes his xbox as well. I've said I'm worried about how high our electrics bill will be, and that he should pay for any extra using the money he would for his train fare. He gets angry and starts shouting that it's his money and he thinks the bill should be 50/50 even though I'm not using electrics all day.

He makes mess and won't clean up, and gets cross if I clean up because he has a strange obsession with HOW things are cleaned, even when he doesn't want to do it himself. He screams if I clean the bathroom because apparently I am doing it wrong, and heaven forbid if I try to polish anything. The grass needs cutting but I'm not allowed to cut it because he thinks I will break the mower but he won't do it himself either.

I don't know how I can survive weeks / months locked up inside, without even work as a getaway. I want to just stay out of his way but we don't have a big house so not really possible. I Just want to scream!

What would you do, AIBU on any of these points

I feel for you too and just wanted to send virtual hug (if you want one, that is). I too left abusive ex some years ago now and it reminded me of that situation.

Like Ygritte mine incredibly tried to dictate how i was handling lockdown etc too. I'm kind of glad that Ygritte wrote about this as with mine it still amazes me that he tries it on and tries to bully me after all this time we've been divorced. At a time when, he knows I would be feeling vulnerable (schools closed down, having suddenly to home school, financial concerns etc.). I spelled out to him last week that we are in the middle of a global pandemic and if he has nothing helpful to say then to say nothing at all. But I know what he does.

I've had to get a thick skin, which occasionally has cracks in it.

Would be in touch with Women's Aid on this one. If you can get through.Standard advice is if the situation is strained now, it can sadly only get more dangrous for you.

In the long run, my advice would be the financial 'discussions' are a massive red flag. If divorce comes up which it sounds like it will, be prepared for what they call financial abuse. So getting your 'ducks in a row' on this one is very painful potentially emotionally, but you can't let it catch you by surprise.

It's sadly a classic that men like this have a plan and a strategy and generally know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it. Check out LUndy bancroft book.

Sepearate your finances as far as you can or at least plan for it. Be prepared to contest your investments in the marriage. You may have to. it is not a nice road to have to travel on, but there is support out there, Wish you well

mid

Move on now if it is possible.

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

Someone has to break it to you but THIS IS A FULL ON VIOLENCE

The government has made it clear that leaving an abusive relationship is a more than valid reason to be leaving the house during lockdown. Please consider calling Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse service when safe to do so and discuss moving into refuge.

Which county are you in? Someone can look up the number of your local service and post it here.

Do not mention this to your husband. Call from the car or go for a walk. Keep safe and good luck

Sweetheart, I'm sorry. That's not selfishness, that's abusiveness. Please seek help.

What a cunt. I'm really sorry OP. The pushing and shoving is domestic violence. It's a terribly difficult time to leave. I guess you could call the non emergency police line and/or women's aid for advice? xx

It sounds like he's financially abusive too.

Is there somewhere else you can stay? As mentioned above the government class it as essential if you are leaving an abusive relationship.

Has he changed dramatically since you first met? Because from your description, I fail to understand why you would have chosen to marry him. (Lightbulb moment, maybe it was an arranged marriage and you had no choice, in which case, I'm very sorry.)

There are still shelters and support available for victims of domestic violence. And you are a victim of domestic violence. You need to leave him now, before it gets worse. Do you have family nearby?

If you're in Hampshire please call 0330 016 5112. We have spaces in refuge or can give you the numbers of other organisations if our refuges aren't suitable.

I’d find a way to leave him. I’d contact women’s aid and see if they can help.

Women's Aid is the starting point - call them whilst out in the garden. If you can't do that - try and get some money. Go to the shops and get cash back on the shop so it shows as one transaction on the bank statement. I'm just really sorry. Lockdown is going to cause a of heightening of behaviour from pigs like this.

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming

It is full on violence. Quietly make plans and end this relationship when you can, unless you want more years of hell and growing older crying with regret that you stayed with a bully. It's just not worth it. We are living in unprecedented times, all of it is food for thought and a reminder of how fragile we really are. I don't see the benefit of living the rest of your precious life with someone like this tbh

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

That's violence and intimidation. Lockdown is making this worse for many people. There is government advice here www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-and-domestic-abuse

So many people, predominantly women in your situation. This man is physically, verbally and financially abusive. You cannot continue to be with him. Just because we are quarantined, it does not mean people like him will be brought to justice. There is a report on sky news on loop about this today. Please report him.

Correction - it does not mean people like him will not be brought to justice.

Do you have kids? What they much be going through during all this. Leave hime.

It's difficult to leave. And you are doing really well posting here. And please remember at all times it is not your fault.

Many people who do not know say things like 'well, why did you marry him'.

No-one on their wedding day can fathom how things will turn out. Abusers are very good at pretending to be people they are not. And at putting a front on. It could happen to anybody that their partner turns out like this, sadly. Take things step by step. You can do this.

all best
mid.

I reckon a lot of abuse will happen but once this is over, people will put it down to the pressure of being on lockdown and they will be forgiven and all will be forgotten.

Yes he's an abusive twat. Hope you leave.

Can you leave? Do you have somewhere to go? Are there children involved?

So sorry but this is violence you are being abused

Pressure of lockdown is horrid. My friend a police woman says they have been told to look out for violence as a side effect. I would phone them, and womens aid.

Look we are all suffering but are we pushing, shoving and poking, well no so it is inexcusable.

@LightenUpSummer He sounds absolutely mental is offensive. Being a domestic abuser is not a symptom of mental illness

That was a terrible way to phrase it. you're absolutely right justmyview

I've even thought that when other people have written it, don't know what came over me. Was just shocked about his behaviour and didn't think.