Selfish husband, lockdown hell

[rosegoldswan]

I'm getting to the point where I just can't stand the sight of my husband.

I have been placed on furlough, so I am only getting 80% of my wages but bored stiff indoors with nothing to do like many people. I'm worried that I won't even have a job when the scheme is over. husband earns a lot more than me and is working from home, so he is saving about £250 that he would have spent on train fares whereas I am losing about £200 a month. He is using several electronics all day, his laptop from about 9am until 11pm, plus his tv on too, sometimes his xbox as well. I've said I'm worried about how high our electrics bill will be, and that he should pay for any extra using the money he would for his train fare. He gets angry and starts shouting that it's his money and he thinks the bill should be 50/50 even though I'm not using electrics all day.

He makes mess and won't clean up, and gets cross if I clean up because he has a strange obsession with HOW things are cleaned, even when he doesn't want to do it himself. He screams if I clean the bathroom because apparently I am doing it wrong, and heaven forbid if I try to polish anything. The grass needs cutting but I'm not allowed to cut it because he thinks I will break the mower but he won't do it himself either.

I don't know how I can survive weeks / months locked up inside, without even work as a getaway. I want to just stay out of his way but we don't have a big house so not really possible. I Just want to scream!

What would you do, AIBU on any of these points

Asking why someone married someone isn't a particularly stupid question. It allows us to know more about whether this was a forced marriage, or his behaviour has changed over time. Perhaps this behaviour has only just started and he was absolutely fine before. Point is: we don't know.

We also don't know how OP is treating him, either. Her opening post is full of her wanting tasks done that he "won't" do, even though he is also WFH. Maybe he's sick to death about being hassled over them? Going on about electric bills is petty and honestly, complaining about "only" getting 80% of your pay and moaning about spending money while people are putting themselves at risk to run essential services, or have been made redundant already, is a bit ridiculous in the current climate.

However, on her update which really should have been included in the first post (I often umm and ahh over the genuine nature of posts like these when drip feeds come in), he does sound abusive.

OP should, in that case, play the long game of gathering information on his pay and assets while protecting herself. She should begin making contacts with alternative places to stay. There are plenty of support networks available at the click of a button.

Oh op he is violent and no one should be in a violent relationship. Being paid 80% isn’t bad at all - what are your options for leaving ASAP? He will quite probably get worse during lockdown.

Sit down, think calmly, make plans.
Do you know his financials? Can you find out?
What important documents do you need?
Find a few solicitors for a call, I’m sure they will still be working from home.
Is there someone you could stay with?
What would you want to take with you? Where could you put it?
If you get stuck on any of these I’m sure mumsnet can help.

Oh come on Pepe. We could all tell that your question was a put down and not an attempt to get helpful information.

Even without the update, it was pretty easy to read between the lines to see this man as controlling, and used his anger to control.

One of the things that has impressed me about Mumsnet, are those posters who are able to see behind the surface presentation to see that there is something else going.

Yes, you can read between the lines and see how petty a lot of the stuff in OP's opening post was (complaining about pay, complaining about spending money, complaining about husband who is working but not doing tasks, complaining about electricity, etc). That obviously doesn't take away from her husband being abusive, but it also doesn't make OP to be an angel in this scenario.

It's a high tension time for everyone. If I was working at my partner was going on at me to do jobs and they weren't working, I'd be mighty pissed off, too.

However, as I said, that doesn't excuse his behaviour. I simply think there's more to this on both sides.

Worrying about how to pay the bills is petty and means the OP is no angel???

Wtf?

OP your husband is abusive. Make plans to leave. Phone the police if he attacks you again. Be careful.

Please dont think this lockdown is any reason for you to put up with him. As I would have said before lockdown LTB. Please call the police and explain your situation

Pepe you are a a twat

When the thread started the background was not clear. Now it is becoming clearer, and red flags have started to appear, red flags that are immediately recognisable to those who've seen or dealt before ( to all such).

He is controlling, he is domineering, he shouts and gets physical when his right to dominate is questioned.

You've been given some good direction on this thread op. Things won't get better at this time. Be prepared. I'd also be concerned about children.

This is domestic abuse and an illustration of how DV stats will go up during lockdown.

You are a prisoner to an abusive twat.

I know it’s hard during this time but do you have a safe place you could go?

@PepePig You are victim blaming. I think your reading between the lines the wrong way, OP gets abused pushed if she does it the wrong way, he criticises everything she does, he is controlling. You are usually a supportive sensible poster.

If you are fit & healthy I would volunteer to help shop and deliver food to vulnerable people. It will give you an excuse to get out of the house and contact women's aid. Is there anywhere else you could go? Do you have DC? How easy would it be for you to leave?

There are lots of students etc leaving private rentals at the moment, so there are potentially lots of vacant properties that LLs may be willing to do a deal on.

I really, really wish that instead of women needing to leave and go to a refuge it was the abuser that had to leave instead.

OP, good luck.

Put together all financial info, proof of income and outgoings etc, contact women's aid, make plans to leave. People in abusive relationships are not on lockdown.

PepePig a woman is not at all required to be an 'Angel' 🙄nor subject to respectability politics in order to determine whether violence towards her is valid or not. You are very much coming across as 'she deserves it'.

Why - just because of their relationship financial arrangements? What's that got to with her H hitting her and screaming at her?

FFS...

OP, @rosegoldswan
Your husband sounds an utter nightmare. I heard on LBC radio that many cases of domestic strife are happening during this enforced lockdown.
We have become prisoners in our own homes if self isolating.
It is no surprise that divorces happen after Christmas/New Year, and this is like an extended Christmas/NY but without the freedom to even get out of the house if isolating.
I had a very fussy ex husband...It drove me dotty at times dealing with his exacting ways... You ought not have to put uno with this sort of abuse.
If I were you, I'd mow the lawn and then polish the mower afterwards.

I thnik I would isolate myself from him if at all possible. You don't need a huge place, just another bedroom. If there are more rooms, great and wonderful if there is an another bathroom or shower - even a second loo. Lots of smallish places have those nowadays.

Of great importance is to have your own telly and/or laptop to keep in your room and headphones but I expect you do have all that.

The kitchen - tell him you will prepare food for yourself and expect him to do his own,, each clearing up their own mess. He might be agreeable to that.

If you are not living on top of each other tempers may not be so frayed. At the start of you isolating from him tell him you're unwell - I wouldn't normally advocate lying but these are extreme circumstances.

Good luck.

@PepePig It is very hard to admit the dynamics of your relationship to anyone else. I don't see the OP as dripfeeding, just initially testing the waters, and then providing further information when she realised she didn't have to hide things from us - and that she had support from other people. That is so crucial to someone in an abusive relationship.

What OP needs is compassion, and understanding. Not snark.

I'd get advice asap in the real world as to how you can get out now, and where you can go. This is domestic abuse. As tensions rise over the next few weeks his behaviour may escalate. You need to get out.

Your husband is abusive. Make plans to leave.

My ex currently works at a police station and was saying the other week he was dreading the impending at that point lockdown because he knew it would lead to an increase in domestic violence.

The police are expecting this. The government are expecting this. Organisations like women’s aid are expecting this.

Make plans to leave.

Laptops, Xbox etc don't use that much more electricity... having said that, I think you should let him get on with all the work he doesn't like you doing and look for a good divorce lawyer in parallel.

I understand that perfectly well suited couples still split bills. Feel you are both frightened. Sit down with a letter, have a date night at home, drink & laugh together and when he is mellow explain that you just want the home to be beautiful, and you both deserve that. It doesn't matter how it's done. Explain you are frightened for your job, and you are frightened of being a slob. Help him understand you wish to support your family & not overpower him. It's for your both better good xxx hope you have a lovely '21 xo

@Comeondelicious

I understand that perfectly well suited couples still split bills. Feel you are both frightened. Sit down with a letter, have a date night at home, drink & laugh together and when he is mellow explain that you just want the home to be beautiful, and you both deserve that. It doesn't matter how it's done. Explain you are frightened for your job, and you are frightened of being a slob. Help him understand you wish to support your family & not overpower him. It's for your both better good xxx hope you have a lovely '21 xo

Why have you dragged up a thread nearly a year old

He is awful behaviour abusive, leave.

I think this pattern of abuse may constitute coercive control. This is now an offence, and may give you more options.

Imo, you should talk this through with Women's Aid and see what your options are.

And I'm truly sorry you're going through this.

Has he changed dramatically since you first met? Because from your description, I fail to understand why you would have chosen to marry him.

FFS. Is there nothing more useful you could have said than this victim blamey shit?