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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Selfish husband, lockdown hell

131 replies

rosegoldswan · 29/03/2020 11:20

I'm getting to the point where I just can't stand the sight of my husband.

I have been placed on furlough, so I am only getting 80% of my wages but bored stiff indoors with nothing to do like many people. I'm worried that I won't even have a job when the scheme is over. husband earns a lot more than me and is working from home, so he is saving about £250 that he would have spent on train fares whereas I am losing about £200 a month. He is using several electronics all day, his laptop from about 9am until 11pm, plus his tv on too, sometimes his xbox as well. I've said I'm worried about how high our electrics bill will be, and that he should pay for any extra using the money he would for his train fare. He gets angry and starts shouting that it's his money and he thinks the bill should be 50/50 even though I'm not using electrics all day.

He makes mess and won't clean up, and gets cross if I clean up because he has a strange obsession with HOW things are cleaned, even when he doesn't want to do it himself. He screams if I clean the bathroom because apparently I am doing it wrong, and heaven forbid if I try to polish anything. The grass needs cutting but I'm not allowed to cut it because he thinks I will break the mower but he won't do it himself either.

I don't know how I can survive weeks / months locked up inside, without even work as a getaway. I want to just stay out of his way but we don't have a big house so not really possible. I Just want to scream!

What would you do, AIBU on any of these points

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2021 18:19

ZOMBIE!!!

Hoping you are ok though OP and that you were able to escape this bully.

BonnieDundee · 14/01/2021 18:21

Argh! The zombie thread got me

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 14/01/2021 18:26

@Comeondelicious

I understand that perfectly well suited couples still split bills. Feel you are both frightened. Sit down with a letter, have a date night at home, drink & laugh together and when he is mellow explain that you just want the home to be beautiful, and you both deserve that. It doesn't matter how it's done. Explain you are frightened for your job, and you are frightened of being a slob. Help him understand you wish to support your family & not overpower him. It's for your both better good xxx hope you have a lovely '21 xo
ZOMBIE THREAD.

@Comeondelicious WTF is wrong with you? First for dragging up a year old thread and second for your batshit advice. Date night? Fuck sake.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/01/2021 18:39

OP. The issue is not that you have a husband who is lazy and won't pull his weight, or even that he dictates how you should do the housework he refuses to do (even though that's a far bigger issue than the laziness). It's this:

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

The fact that your OP doesn't deal with this, rather than mentioning it as a secondary aside, tells me something here is badly wrong. This is what should be your paramount concern. Your husband is abusive, and he is physically violent. I'm sorry, but he is.

Repeat this to yourself ad nauseam until you believe it.

Then act.

I'm sorry you are being put through this. It is not your fault Flowers

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/01/2021 18:39

Oh OK. Zombie thread. Why do people do this?

EttaKett · 14/01/2021 18:40

OP, is he actually "screaming"? If so, he sounds unhinged. If he's "just" raising his voice (which isn't ok, in my book), that's unnecessary and horrible.

Leaving aside the screaming/voice-raising, it is completely beyond the pale for him to touch you aggressively in any way at all.

Lockdown is making an awful lot of people unhappy, frustrated, fed up, angry - but it's still not ok to take it out physically on anyone else.

OhioOhioOhio · 14/01/2021 18:41

Please phone women's aid.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/01/2021 18:44

ZOMBIE

Winterwoollies · 14/01/2021 18:52

@Comeondelicious firstly, this thread is old. Secondly, why the fuck should the OP have gone to the ludicrous appeasing lengths you suggest to placate the piece of shit the poor woman is married to, just to be able to clean her own home? Fuck no.

I hope OP managed to leave the abusive twat.

wildraisins · 14/01/2021 18:59

Sounds like he has some unrealistic expectations/ views OP and that he is being quite controlling too!

Re the cleaning/ mowing, I would say quite clearly that X needs doing, I will be doing it tomorrow at 4pm, if he wants it done his way then he is welcome to do it himself anytime before that. Otherwise I will do it.

That gives him a chance to do it "his" way but also asserts your right to do stuff in your own house!

With the bills, I think you're reasonable to ask for a review of finances since you are £200 worse off and he is £250 better off. Try and find a time where you can both sit down and go over it together.

50/50 isn't really fair if one of you is earning more than the other. For example my partner earns a lot more than me so our bills are proportional to that.

Georgyporky · 14/01/2021 19:05

THIS THREAD IS DEAD.

Let's hope the OP isn't.

unlikelytobe · 14/01/2021 19:09

Oh, FFS! How do these zombie threads come about? I never think to clock the date on the OP. Wonder what's happened since?

Cherrysoup · 14/01/2021 19:20

🧟 Zombie thread, people.

WeAreShiningStars · 14/01/2021 19:22

You're in an abusive relationship. I would use this time to quietly figure out how to get out of it safely. See legal advice.

sorrysaywhatnow · 14/01/2021 19:27

Okay well you lost me at pushing you about.

Get your affairs in order and get the hell out.

sorrysaywhatnow · 14/01/2021 19:28

Oooh I've just seen it's a zombie thread, OP can you come back and update anyway? ;)

BBCONEANDTWO · 14/01/2021 19:31

@LittleLittleLittle

FFS you are married. It isn't your money and his money it is your joint money. If you don't have enough money for something then he should pay more and vice versa without question.

I suggest you buy yourself some noise cancelling blue tooth headphones and spend your time researching divorces online.

Exactly this - my hubby earns more than me but I just help myself as I need it.
beautysloth · 14/01/2021 19:31

Lockdown has tested a lot of relationships I’ve separated from my husband and we are divorcing and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t partly to blame by lockdown being intense

RachelmamaE17 · 14/01/2021 19:35

Oh no. So sorry to hear this.

We are in a similar situation to be honest; in that, we are about to kill each other.

I HATE hearing this word now, but we are in "unprecedented" times. Fingers crossed in a few months time when I feel like I need to get out and spend some time to myself I can!!!

Twillow · 14/01/2021 19:36

Horrendous situation. Not a marriage.

Advice? While you're on furlough, use the time to sort all your paperwork (i.e. 'get your ducks in a row') and decide where you want to be in five years' time. For me, it was thinking about being retired together that spurred me on to leave.

Hopefully no children involved and keep it that way.

Save as much money as you can - it looks like you already have separate finances.

MilkGoatee · 14/01/2021 19:38

Sorry, but why are bills split 50/50 in the first place if he earns so much more than you do? It's all wrong from the starting point already, let alone being furloughed and all that.

MilkGoatee · 14/01/2021 19:39

oh, sorry for the walking dead...

Haggertyjane · 14/01/2021 19:45

I'm sorry, but this really is a rare LTB from me :-(

jollygreenpea · 14/01/2021 19:46

This thread is from 29th March 2020

NamechangedHelpPlease · 14/01/2021 20:11

He 'screams' .... is he a toddler?

He is definitely a control freak. Poor you, I cannot imagine how awful it must be with him. Maybe a good time to sit down and consider if you actually want to spend the rest of your life with this individual.

For you. Polish up your CV. Can you covid safely volunteer to get you out? Online courses? Clear cupboards (of your things), sort clothing, exercise?

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