Selfish husband, lockdown hell

[rosegoldswan]

I'm getting to the point where I just can't stand the sight of my husband.

I have been placed on furlough, so I am only getting 80% of my wages but bored stiff indoors with nothing to do like many people. I'm worried that I won't even have a job when the scheme is over. husband earns a lot more than me and is working from home, so he is saving about £250 that he would have spent on train fares whereas I am losing about £200 a month. He is using several electronics all day, his laptop from about 9am until 11pm, plus his tv on too, sometimes his xbox as well. I've said I'm worried about how high our electrics bill will be, and that he should pay for any extra using the money he would for his train fare. He gets angry and starts shouting that it's his money and he thinks the bill should be 50/50 even though I'm not using electrics all day.

He makes mess and won't clean up, and gets cross if I clean up because he has a strange obsession with HOW things are cleaned, even when he doesn't want to do it himself. He screams if I clean the bathroom because apparently I am doing it wrong, and heaven forbid if I try to polish anything. The grass needs cutting but I'm not allowed to cut it because he thinks I will break the mower but he won't do it himself either.

I don't know how I can survive weeks / months locked up inside, without even work as a getaway. I want to just stay out of his way but we don't have a big house so not really possible. I Just want to scream!

What would you do, AIBU on any of these points

Clear case of domestic abuse.

Do you have DC?

Pritti Patel said today that Domestic Abuse victims are still allowed to leave home and enter a shelter if there is space.

I know that probably sounds like a big leap right now - but at least call Women's Aid and talk it though with them. This is not normal behaviour.

Why are you talking about 1/2 s in a marriage ?

You're in a violent abusive relationship that sounds like it will escalate. Pushing is violence. Screaming in your face is intimidating and violent.

I would use your time at home to start planning your escape from the marriage.

Contact women's aid for help.

Start planning love, when you can. Contact who you need to. Children involved? He will get worse. If he assaults you again call the police.

He is financially, verbally and physically abusive. Please call Women's Aid as soon as you safely can.

I have worried about how lockdown would affect people in abusive relationships, as being cooped up in the same house can only worsen things.

However, the government guidelines do recognise it as a valid reason to leave the house, as shown in the link above. I hope you manage to do that.

I would've thought this would be a good time to leave. I realise you'll have to go without some of your stuff, or ask the police to attend whilst you move out, but surely he can't harass you personally if in lock down? I realise this isn't what you were thinking when you posted, but if you need to get to a refuge right now, I'm sure there are ways... he's absolutely abusive, and the fact that he's already escalated does not bode well for the coming weeks.

I think it would at least be wise to work out a plan in your head.. only use the PC to look stuff up if you're sure he's preoccupied.

Take care, please.

He sounds awful op. Is there anywhere else you can go for lockdown? Once you've past the point where any symptoms would have manifested?
He is abusive and I'm worried for you.

Oh dear OP. Sorry you are struggling. Have you any headphones? Treat yourself to some music of your choice in another room. Try meditation. Have a long shower. Anything that gives you a break.

Take this time to sort things out so you can get rid, OP, he sounds like an abusive and selfish bully.

You are wrong to complain about the electricity usage. It’s all pretty normal stuff and bills are inevitably going to higher if we are at home all day.

‘Everything else you have said screams that your husband is an abuser in almost every possible way, emotionally, verbally, financially and physically. What he is doing is not only wrong, it’s illegal (assuming you are in the U.K.). As long as you stay with him his behaviour will escalate.

If circumstances allow it, you should be planning to leave him very soon. If you have to stay put you need to be keeping him sweet and secretly making an escape plan.

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

Sounds like full on violence to me. He doesn't need to be breaking your bones to be a violent person.

I've said I'm worried about how high our electrics bill will be

YABU for this, those devices will hardly make any difference to your electricity bill.

That aside, I think you need to consider leaving. He's never going to change, and I wouldn't want to live like that.

I really feel for you op. If it is at all possible, try to keep yourself as busy (and in another room of your home ) as you can during this time. I second reading the Lundy Bancroft book, it’s been a life changer for me. You can then decide how to move forward towards the kind of life you deserve, away from this abusive man. Take care x

Stop worrying about the electricity and the grass. Do not poke the wasps nest. Instead take some time to plan. Think about what you really want for your future.

@izzywizzygood

Are you genuinely saying that she shouldn't leave him because she will thus inflict him on someone else, and that she should learn to put up with him instead?? What. The. Fuck.

@izzywizzygood What a horrendous post - you should delete it right now.

Izzywizzygood, FFS. What the hell is wrong with you?!

I'm so sorry.

It's really easy to "other" the victims of domestic violence, most women can't see themselves reflected in stories or controlling situations. Because often the men have many good qualities - but significantly overbearing and violent ones.

Pushing you, jabbing you bloody hurts. It's scary. It makes you consistently in de-escalation mode. Appeasing him daily.

I think you know that if you were in an equal, non abusive relationship - you and your husband would be partners in this pandemic together. You wouldn't be feeling lonely, and desperate, and scared.

Please use your furlough time to call Women's Aid, figure out a safe exit. Now is the time. He is not what you needs to put up with.

Those lock down statistics about escalating violence and trapped women - include you.

You don't have to rush out in the middle of a night to a rescue. They can help you, it's their job to help you secure accomodation, create a plan etc. They wont make you do anything you don't want to.

Second the previous poster. Those who haven't made this journey have no idea how hard it is, potentially. Even harder now with COVID. You are doing really well to post here about this OP and you can do what is necessary. step by step eh
mid

If he touches you, please call the police.

Screaming, and pushing me about. Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

You are being abused OP.

I am sure PP mean well by saying you should mow the lawn anyway etc but I think you should refrain from provoking him right now.

Is there anywhere you can go where you would be safe? I know we are in lockdown but if my DD/DSIS/Friend were experiencing abuse like this I would hope they would escape and come to me.

Do you have DC?

I keep thinking about the people - and children - trapped inside with abusers. Parents being pushed to the brink and people who wouldn't normally now getting aggressive with each other. It's so scary.

If you don't love him anymore and are more sad than happy when with him - what I would do is find a new focus. Look into a new career for when this is over maybe. Plan things with friends. I know I have a new perspective and will be appreciating the outdoors a lot more. Swimming a lot more. Making an effort to make new friends. Pushing myself further.

I was with my ex 10 years and he left me. The heartbreak was like falling down a black hole into a firepit and being stuck there for months slowly burning to death, but I didn't let it. I emerged stronger and happier. It is good being single. You adapt and you allow yourself to enjoy it. Good Luck x

Not full on violence but pushing me and sometimes poking me hard while screaming.

that is violence, that is abuse - i dont normally do the LTB, but you deserve so much more than this

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP

You are in an abusive relationship. Maybe when you were going out to work it wasn't as bad/as obvious. Things tend to magnify themselves when we are with someone 24/7.

Initially, call women's aid. Call from the garden or go for your daily exercise and call then.

You don't mention children? Are there any?

Is there someone you could go and stay with? Parents/brother/sister/friend etc. Despite the lockdown, fleeing an abusive relationship is still essential. If someone in your situation asked to stay at my house, I would have them without question.

Use the time you are not at work to organise your finances. We don't know what will happen with jobs but you will be entitled to benefits if your job disappears (I hope it doesn't).

Take care