Introverts and Coronavirus

[didyoueverdancewiththedevil]

I am being massively unreasonable at the moment I'm afraid.

I am introvert and when I don't get time alone I feel very, very cross. This is obviously not ideal during normal times but at the moment my DH is driving me crackers. He knows that I need time alone by the way so this is not news to him.

He is now working from home. I am a fee earner dealing with Wills at a firm of solicitors so I am still working as demand is very high at the moment for obvious reasons.

He is there when I wake up.

He talks incessantly about shit until I go to work.

If he isn't talking to me he is talking to the cat.

If he isn't doing that they he is constantly clearing his throat very loudly and saying he has a tickle in his throat - he doesn't. He does this all of the time and it drives me batshit.

He bangs cupboard doors all of the time.

He sings loudly.

Even when he goes upstairs he is banging around.

When I get home he starts yapping away as soon as I step through the door and basically doesn't stop until he fucks off to bed.

So last night I had had enough of the constant noise. I have just gone very quiet and praying he goes to bed so that I can have just an hour on my own to recharge for work the next day. He went to bed in a mood because I wasn't really saying a lot and being quiet.

This morning he stomped off upstairs telling me that it isn't his fault that he has to work from home. The thing is I know it's not his fault but him being there all of the bloody time is driving me slowly around the bend. He won't just let me have any time at all to be on my own. If I say anything he sulks.

He gets cabin fever but he is going for a bike ride every day after I go to work so that gets it out of his system.

I asked him this morning if he couldn't exercise would he feel agitated and stressed. He said yes, so I said well this is the same for me but I have a need to have some time on my own, rather than exercising. He said that that's different.

I might have all of the time in the world on my own soon as I may place him underneath the patio and end up in prison.

Would it be at all unreasonable to shout "shut the fuck up!" when he starts again tonight, which he absolutely will, as he doesn't like being told what he can and cannot do?

I think he is the "Demand Man" from Lundy Bancroft's abuser profiles
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

"The Demand Man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers as long as he is getting his needs met on his terms."
He probably isn't particularly controlling atm because you're doing what he wants. But the minute you don't - sleeping in the spare room for example - he sulks you bring you back into line. That's controlling.

he sulks to bring you back into line

Think of all the people who have lost their partners, to this awful virus.
It might help you deal with the things he does that annoys you better. X

Helpful 🙄

Think of all the people who have lost their partners, to this awful virus.
It might help you deal with the things he does that annoys you better. X

FFS

I said yabu because you called yourself an introvert. That is probably U of me but I'm a bit irritable at the moment. I much prefer my own company to being around others and fit the introvert definition, but I just don't like it. I prefer introverted/extroverted to "I'm an introvert/extrovert" like It's some kind of thing. I am definitely being U and I think I've cracked up a bit. I'm sorry. Anyway, I think most normal people need time alone sometimes, whatever they're personality is like. It's suffocating otherwise. You're not being unreasonable for wanting your husband to treat you with some respect, and it doesn't sound like he is doing that.

Other non-introverts just don't understand introverts' real need to have peace and quiet. They think they're being quiet if they don't actually say anything for 5 minutes, and their radio/TV/rustling/banging/singing nosies etc doesn't count as it's not actually "talking".

I disagree with the introvert/extrovert divide and the accusation that people don't understand each other.

I think it's a spectrum and some people are clearly more introverted / extroverted than others, but most people need both alone/quiet time and sociable time, to varying degrees.

I also think that if you're not an arsehole it is possible to understand that other people function differently.

Not sure this is an introvert thing. I reckon you have the ick.

I feel your pain, and the poster who said it’s like a physical pain. I love my husband BUT it’s been hard. I’ve had to temporarily close my business (wfh). He’s also closed his temporarily.

I miss work and my clients. I miss having a normal work day and then seeing each other on the nights. The noise, the ‘let’s decide what we’ll do today’ cheeriness is just grating on me.
I know writing this I sound horrible! But I miss having quiet, recharge times and being able to do my own thing in complete solitude. I’m just really used to being at home during the day times with no one there with me, I’m finding it smothering.

Paired with not being able to see poorly parents and my stress and worry are getting harder to keep on a simmer. I’m aware I sound horrible and I really don’t mean to! I’m finding it hard to let go of my previous controlled, introverted lifestyle.

We’re now doing an hours walk and I said after that I then need some alone time to potter and do house jobs, do normal mundane stuff where I can be in my own head, and carry on with joint mindfulness to try and have some quiet time that’s good for both of us 😊

There'll always be extremes of both sides and a lot in the middle AnotherEmma.

As a natural introvert I can also "do" extrovert on occasion, but it takes a lot out of me, almost like being on stage or performing and I do it really well because I grew up in a family of extroverts and know how to do it from seeing how they do it, but I couldn't doing it for a prolonged length of time. For example I could be the life and soul of a party for one evening, but would hate to do a whole weekend away unless it was with very good friends or family and even then I would still want my own room and space. Sharing a room for the weekend (unless with my DH) would be hell.

YANBU. I'm an extrovert, but not massively so (very much on my own terms) and am finding DH's (very extroverted, but quieter than me in company) incessant yammering intolerable. I speak to people all day for work and he doesn't, which I know he's finding tough, but I'm all talked out.

OTOH I am also finding my lack of social variety without DH pretty hard as well. I had to banish him (we have a reasonably sized house, no-one was inconvenienced) when he wanted to join myself and my friends on a virtual pub because 'some of them are blokes'. He couldn't understand why I wanted some space with my friends when we're on top of each other 24x7. As far as he's concerned, I'm an extrovert and therefore he's always invited?

This is tough on all of us OP and I think it's perfectly okay (indeed necessary) to set out what you both need for your mental health and agree how you can best achieve it (or at least come close).

I suggest when you come home, after a little gentle conversation and food, you yawn, say how tired you are and go to bed. You can take your laptop with you to watch something you like, come on here or read. You could also try listening to things with headphones on when in his company, you don't actually have to be listening to anything but it will drown out his noise.

He must realise that the current situation is stressful for everyone and nerves are frayed, just as he needs to communicate, you need peace and quiet.

I don't get his need to talk to you so much in the morning before you go to work, most people can't do more than grunt.

The weather is improving, you can sit in the garden sometimes, especially at weekends. What are weekends like with him at the moment?

I hope you reach a compromise.

(Who is Wills with whom you have to deal? :-) )

@PickAChew I came on here to say that this man would give me an ick of the highest order!

YANBU OP, in fact I think you've been very restrained so far. I would have killed him by now tbh

Sounds like the new temporary arrangement (his going out for his bike ride just before you get home) works well for everyone - it would be great if you could both agree to make this your new "routine". Then you know you'll get your time alone, and he knows that once you've had it, he'll get some attention and "face time" with you without having to bang about and bother the cat. Unless he's a bit "off", he can't genuinely enjoy the sulking and acting out day after day after day. Maybe having a predictable routine that builds in separate time on a kind of schedule will make him feel less "rejected" - as he seems to take your setting boundaries as if you're pushing him (specifically) away.

I'd have to put my foot down on the snoring, though - you also need your sleep and as you've got a spare room and are willing to use it, that's a reasonable solution for now.

Sorry if anyone has already suggested this
Can you claim the spare room as your own, fill it with nice things and have a rule that when you are in there you are alone. Come summer put a tent in the garden (considering this myself as I really need my own time).

He sounds spiteful, nasty and selfish. Making as much noise as possible and denying you sleep is not a 'kind man'.

Why is he your DH If you can’t communicate with each other enough to say ‘hey I’m feeling a bit rubbish, I’m gonna take an hour to myself if you don’t mind, I’m going to lie down / read a book /go for a walk / have a bath...’

Dh is extrovert
I am introvert

I sit by myself and read or watch tv
Whilst he goes out with friends, or plays games online or something else interactive.
It doesn’t all need to be together but we each have our social needs met.

You sound like you think introvert is a character defect and you’re at fault of putting a strain on the relationship.
Have a think about why you may have been encouraged to think that way.
Looking back at your own comments, do you think DH sounds like a kind, mature and caring partner?

This is interesting as I am the extrovert married to an introvert. Every night DH goes off to read alone after 14hours working from home all day talking to people. I am alone for most of that time with our baby and my teen. My teen is in full time online school and then social media groups with all her friends. I am utterly shattered at the end of my day alone running after our little one so I don't have the energy to pester him to talk to me. I am so lonely I could die. When I hear him talking to all the other people in meetings I am so jealous. I can't do any 'fun interactive adult things' as I'm constantly with my baby doing baby things. When the baby is asleep I am doing all the cleaning and cooking etc. I need my chatty career back ASAP. I need a chatty man who is entertaining, shares things, sings, makes jokes and talks. I need more noise! Can we swap?

I feel your pain, I am like this at time of the month. Like seriously DH breathe louder! Not going to lie your partner does sound rather annoying though. My DH knows to leave me alone as soon as he gets his first sarcastic response. Maybe as others have said suggest he goes for his bike ride in the evenings after you get home. Hoping neither of you start showing symptoms which mean you need to self isolate, might be reading about you in our papers 😄

i think it's hard to explain if you don't get stressed at a lack of solitude but it is making me think that I am not cut out to live with any other person.

it sounds as though you are trying to live with somebody demanding, selfish and puerile. I am a dyed in the wool introvert too and his behaviour is completely without consideration or empathy for your wellbeing. I completely understand about the pointed laughing and noise making to demand attention, completely prioritising his needs over yours. He does not sound intrinsically kind the least.

I would be seriously reassessing this relationship after covid is over.

You have tried to explain and he has ignored you.

it is not sustainable to be with a partner who does not care about your feelings to this extent.

A lot of extroverts often do not understand how distressing it can be to have no alone time to decompress. My mother has always been like this. Yammering about anything as long as she had someone to talk at.

whichever PP said 'you sound like fun' to the OP does not understand. This is absolutely no fun for the OP either. And she is not there to provide entertainment for someone who gives zero fucks about her feelings.

How are you doing today OP? I have to admit I am really struggling with everyone in my house.

I just heard on the radio that domestic violence reports are on the rise. All these women receiving a continuous stream of 'stay home, save lives' - must seem horrifically ironic to them.

I'm a very extroverted person and I struggle enormously with silence and not talking and isolation. (This whole current situation is tons of fun...) And my husband is the opposite. We have come to a compromise where we talk more than he would probably ideally like, and less than I would, and it's ok.

Your problem is not that you're introverted, or that your husband is not, it's that he's being an arsehole who's unwilling to compromise and realise that people have different needs and his way is not the One True Correct Way to be. You are not at all being unreasonable in setting boundaries and saying what you need - unless he's actually emotionally a toddler, he should be able to accept these and respect them, even if he doesn't need the same thing himself. Without sulking and stropping like a kid because things aren't perfectly the way he wants them. Because adults realise that everyone has things they need and that other people don't exist just to entertain them.

There are lots of ways you could find to work around the current situation and get a good enough level of silence and solitude, even if it's not ideal. But they all need your husband to act like an adult who respects his partner, and that might be the tricky bit.

Did you express to him all that you have expressed here. sometimes we are articulate with everybody but bour loved one. I would suggest a letter and a list of propositions that would work for you. Like 10 options, and he HAS TO pick 5, to make things works. Like giving you have a hour of complete silence when you come back from home, going to exercise when you arrive, so taht you ahve the house for yourself for at least another half hour. Sleeping seperately ( he snores). Having one day in the week end or at least half aday were you do things seperately. You need it. Put it in a way that it all benefits for him. When you have time to ressource then you can focus on him, be kinder, enjoy more each others presence. He has to understand that he is helping you managing the stress out there, and the house is your haven, and he is the haven keeper rather than the problem. Like you are confinding in him about somethign very special about yourself and not everybody gets you but he does. If he does not get this essential part of your character I do not think that you can continue to play house with him. It will destroy both of you in the end, nobody gets his needs met and its sulking all around. You know the problem, you have to find a solution and make it part of it. You have to fight for your peace of cake, some things you might think should be natural, they are not. And it always comes as a surprise. He is not your parents or your siblings, perhaps you have made this relationship this way too. It's not all about him being the evildoer. You have to put in the positive effort to make it work to your convenience. ENvision a perfect day, then a perfect week. It's time to shift he balence, it's not working for you and his constant noise means it's not working for him eather. Hope you find true intimacy and not cohabitation. It is costly, but worth a fight. A good one.