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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Introverts and Coronavirus

160 replies

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 11:20

I am being massively unreasonable at the moment I'm afraid.

I am introvert and when I don't get time alone I feel very, very cross. This is obviously not ideal during normal times but at the moment my DH is driving me crackers. He knows that I need time alone by the way so this is not news to him.

He is now working from home. I am a fee earner dealing with Wills at a firm of solicitors so I am still working as demand is very high at the moment for obvious reasons.

He is there when I wake up.

He talks incessantly about shit until I go to work.

If he isn't talking to me he is talking to the cat.

If he isn't doing that they he is constantly clearing his throat very loudly and saying he has a tickle in his throat - he doesn't. He does this all of the time and it drives me batshit.

He bangs cupboard doors all of the time.

He sings loudly.

Even when he goes upstairs he is banging around.

When I get home he starts yapping away as soon as I step through the door and basically doesn't stop until he fucks off to bed.

So last night I had had enough of the constant noise. I have just gone very quiet and praying he goes to bed so that I can have just an hour on my own to recharge for work the next day. He went to bed in a mood because I wasn't really saying a lot and being quiet.

This morning he stomped off upstairs telling me that it isn't his fault that he has to work from home. The thing is I know it's not his fault but him being there all of the bloody time is driving me slowly around the bend. He won't just let me have any time at all to be on my own. If I say anything he sulks.

He gets cabin fever but he is going for a bike ride every day after I go to work so that gets it out of his system.

I asked him this morning if he couldn't exercise would he feel agitated and stressed. He said yes, so I said well this is the same for me but I have a need to have some time on my own, rather than exercising. He said that that's different.

I might have all of the time in the world on my own soon as I may place him underneath the patio and end up in prison.

Would it be at all unreasonable to shout "shut the fuck up!" when he starts again tonight, which he absolutely will, as he doesn't like being told what he can and cannot do?

OP posts:
Cohle · 27/03/2020 14:23

Can you try and find some kind of compromise?

Because I absolutely understand wanting time to yourself, but insisting that he be absolutely silent as well seems like quite a big ask. If my DH told me not to laugh too loudly at the internet because he thought it was a deliberate rouse to annoy him I'd be a little Hmm

I think you're now at the stage where you find absolutely everything he does infuriating, even if it's not, objectively, that annoying.

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 14:23

probablysue - I know and you're right. I would be really sad if my marriage ended over this issue. I try my best not to let my introverted ways affect him too much, after all it's my issue and not his. But I would like him to give me some space without me having to ask. Then it would just resolve itself and we would both be happy.

OP posts:
OstrichRunning · 27/03/2020 14:25

You need to talk it out with him and come up with a routine that actually books in some chat free time for you. Can he talk to friends on the phone/WhatsApp instead for some of the time at least?

DH and I came up with a strict routine re minding kids (we're both working from home) - this covers us for work and also a tiny bit of me time each.

Also, he knows there is nothing I hate more in the morning than a chatterbox so usually tones it down a bit then.

So far no one has ended up under the patio Grin

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 14:27

The point I made about him laughing on the internet was not about him genuinely laughing at something. He does this when he is sulking and is trying to make as much noise as possible to make a point.

OP posts:
YakkityYakYakYak · 27/03/2020 14:58

Oh I totally get this dynamic OP. DH is very extroverted and sociable, I’m very introverted. At the moment, I’m with DD all day while he works alone upstairs so when she goes to bed Im exhausted and just want to read a book or whatever and get some time to myself, whereas he is desperate for human contact. It’s a recipe for disaster isn’t it.

DH generally respects my need for alone time if I remind him, so there have been a few evenings where I’ve gone to bed early while he’s stayed downstairs watching TV. And he’s using video chat to speak with family and friends most evenings so I don’t have to talk to him constantly.

To all those saying that you aren’t compatible and need to split up - I think that’s a bit harsh, all relationships can be strained by stressful circumstances like this. Maybe because you have always fulfilled your need for solitude when he’s out doing other things, he hadn’t really thought about it properly as a need and so doesn’t really get why you are asking for it now?

userxx · 27/03/2020 15:23

I do like him actually. He is funny and clever and can be very kind.

Sound's like pure passion ;)

79andnotout · 27/03/2020 15:35

I'm the noisy, chatty, extrovert in our house. My partner likes his own space and gets really annoyed if I interrupt him working. We have a converted attic so he has moved up there and I'm not allowed up there during the day, I've taken over our usual home office. So far this system is working well. He pops down for a cup of tea and a chat from time to time but otherwise we don't see each other during the working day. You need to set some boundaries and he needs to deal with them and not sulk!

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 15:39

userxx - Someone, sorry I can't remember who, said it sounded like I didn't like him very much. I was referring to that (liking him) which is totally separate to whether we have passion, or not. We do, but that isn't the issue here.

OP posts:
beachbreeze · 27/03/2020 15:42

Maybe tell him you're taking up meditation to help you relax. Then you can go off to a quiet room and play games on your phone Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 27/03/2020 15:46

What you describe isn't about you being an introvert. It isn't about you at all. It IS all about him. You said My feelings really don't count to him as long as he is doing whatever he wants to do when he wants to do it.

You then say 'he can be kind'. Well, that would be consistent with the above statement only if he's kind in order to get what he wants, never for its own, or your sake. Which isn't kindness, it's manipulation.

what you describe is some degree self-absorbed selfish arse, who does not love you, or care about you or your well-being.

The problem is him. It's not you. It is much bigger than an hour of silence each day.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/03/2020 15:49

More constructively, I think the way to discuss it with him is only to talk about yourself, not him at all. So say 'I feel like this and I need that, so what I am going to do is this.' Not 'you make me feel like this'.

mogloveseggs · 27/03/2020 15:53

Op I get you completely. I normally have 2 days at home in the week on my own to get everything done and just reset myself.
I don't get this now. It's not anyone's fault but it's very hard to deal with.

TheFlis12345 · 27/03/2020 16:16

I am a complete introvert and can only be bubbly and nice and sociable for so long without feeling exhausted. I have to reserve much of this for work to keep my job! DH completely understands that I can only be on form for so long and so gives me space to step away from that at home without question. Sometimes if I am quiet he will ask if I am ok, I just say I am having some quiet time and he will leave me alone until I go to him or start chatting. He knows it isn’t about him and never takes it personally (he usually just gets me wine then hides until I am ready, bless him).

Pickupapenguinnnn · 27/03/2020 16:21

OP you are very funny. Grin That made me laugh. YANBU. Fellow introvert here. Flowers

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 16:40

Pickupapenguinnnn Grin Maybe MN would consider an introverts topic so that we can all complain about how damned loud other people are?

In all seriousness I honestly didn't think that people would be so offended about the idea that someone might want a bit of personal space. It's not as if I am asking him to move into the shed wearing a gimp mask (with ball obviously!) so I don't have to see or hear him.

OP posts:
Taswama · 27/03/2020 20:38

Yanbu - I’m finding this confinement with other people hard too.

OlaEliza · 27/03/2020 20:48

He doesn't sound kind to me.

Hurricane10 · 27/03/2020 20:55

I'm with you OP. I posted on another thread that I was expecting "D"H to be away this week as he was going to visit family as I ahem didn't have enough leave left to go with him. Needless to say He didn't go so my blissful time just me and the dog hasn't happened.

Like you I really need time alone or I get really grumpy and can be quite nasty. The worst is if we're watching a programme together e.g. right now Tony Robinson in Spain and I'm listening and he'll start going on about something in the programme like "Barcelona's a shithole, don't understand why people want to go there etc, etc" and I can't hear what Tony's saying. In my head I'm screaming JUST. STOP. TALKING. But I keep it internal to keep the peace.

Sigh, I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 27/03/2020 20:56

I feel your pain. I may crawl under the patio myself just for a rest.

GenevaMaybe · 27/03/2020 20:59

I am an introvert. I have my two demanding noisy children who I love the bones of here with me all day every day. I may tear my own hair out.

Hurricane10 · 27/03/2020 22:59

Thank fuck, he's gone to bed. He said "Right are we going to bed"? I said "You go, I'm having another drink as I don't have to be up for a conference call in the morning" He buggered about for 10 minutes like he thought I would change my mind then said "OK, see you when you come up".

I fully intend to leave it at least an hour so I can relax.

OhMargo · 27/03/2020 23:09

I don't understand extroverts at all.

They don't understand me, an introvert either. So that evens it out, lol!

It is just a personality type. But the Introvert title always sounds a bit negative. But it should not be.

We are who we are, and introverts will cope with C19 restrictions far better than extroverts.

blueshoes · 27/03/2020 23:14

OP, it is not too much to ask.

Your dh sounds needy and childish. Does he only think his needs are important and yours irrelevant?

blueshoes · 27/03/2020 23:15

Extroverts may not understand Introverts and vice versa. But you don't have to understand why someone has those needs in order to respect them.

OP's dh does not respect her clearly articulated needs. How is that right?

AnotherEmma · 27/03/2020 23:18

I have read all your posts but not the replies.
I have picked out some bits I find particularly relevant.

My feelings really don't count to him as long as he is doing whatever he wants to do when he wants to do it. If he doesn't get his own way he sulks.

It is deliberate, I have no doubt about that, and it is attention seeking.

I am not cut out to live with any other person.

I am giving him what he wants, endless attention, endless talking, he watches what he wants on the TV every night, he gets to keep me awake with his snoring every single night, (because he wants us to sleep in the same bed).

I do not think this is an introvert v extrovert issue. I do not think that you are unable to live with other people. I think the problem is that he is trampling all over your boundaries and your needs. He is quite literally filling your need for silence with his noise. He has a insatiable sense of entitlement which goes far beyond selfishness. He feels superior to you. He does not give a shiny shit about your needs. He pisses over them. He punishes you with the silent treatment when you try to assert them. In a way, he is harassing you with constant unwanted noise. He is assaulting your senses.

I am not an introvert. I love interacting with others. But living with someone like this would make me want to run away and live alone on a remote island.

We all need quiet, peaceful time, introverts and extroverts. We all need to have our needs respected. We all need to feel that there is a balance and fairness in our relationships. All of these things are lacking in yours.

I think you should end your relationship with this man, or at the very least live separately and keep him at "boyfriend" status so you can get away from him.

He sounds abusive to me so I really think you should just get the hell away from him, but you may think this is an extreme interpretation. I think he has been wearing you down very gradually and subtly.