Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Introverts and Coronavirus

160 replies

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 11:20

I am being massively unreasonable at the moment I'm afraid.

I am introvert and when I don't get time alone I feel very, very cross. This is obviously not ideal during normal times but at the moment my DH is driving me crackers. He knows that I need time alone by the way so this is not news to him.

He is now working from home. I am a fee earner dealing with Wills at a firm of solicitors so I am still working as demand is very high at the moment for obvious reasons.

He is there when I wake up.

He talks incessantly about shit until I go to work.

If he isn't talking to me he is talking to the cat.

If he isn't doing that they he is constantly clearing his throat very loudly and saying he has a tickle in his throat - he doesn't. He does this all of the time and it drives me batshit.

He bangs cupboard doors all of the time.

He sings loudly.

Even when he goes upstairs he is banging around.

When I get home he starts yapping away as soon as I step through the door and basically doesn't stop until he fucks off to bed.

So last night I had had enough of the constant noise. I have just gone very quiet and praying he goes to bed so that I can have just an hour on my own to recharge for work the next day. He went to bed in a mood because I wasn't really saying a lot and being quiet.

This morning he stomped off upstairs telling me that it isn't his fault that he has to work from home. The thing is I know it's not his fault but him being there all of the bloody time is driving me slowly around the bend. He won't just let me have any time at all to be on my own. If I say anything he sulks.

He gets cabin fever but he is going for a bike ride every day after I go to work so that gets it out of his system.

I asked him this morning if he couldn't exercise would he feel agitated and stressed. He said yes, so I said well this is the same for me but I have a need to have some time on my own, rather than exercising. He said that that's different.

I might have all of the time in the world on my own soon as I may place him underneath the patio and end up in prison.

Would it be at all unreasonable to shout "shut the fuck up!" when he starts again tonight, which he absolutely will, as he doesn't like being told what he can and cannot do?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 26/03/2020 14:24

I have a brother in law that if the attention is not on him, he hums, clicks his fingers, jiggles his leg, taps his teeth. I can now barely stand to be in the man-child's company, so luckily we only ever see them something like once a decade when they want something from the family! I really do sympathise as a result.

In your position, I would give up on trying to be calm about it, I'd be doing my nut, telling him it's not all about him and what he wants and needs, I have needs too, and just as much right to have my needs and wants treated with consideration. He can get no attention, or negative attention that trust me would not be nice (I can be very unpleasant to live with too if I put my mind to it), or we can compromise and negotiate so that the attention he gets is positive and enjoyable, but with him respecting that I have every right to some time to myself without him attempting to destroy my enjoyment of it, or impose himself on it.

RishiSunakFanClub · 26/03/2020 14:25

I feel for you and don't think murder would be unreasonable. Do you have space under your patio?

If anyone is currently having a new patio laid they shouldn't miss the opportunity of making a lot of money selling 6' x 3' plots before the new patio is laid. Smile

Batqueen · 26/03/2020 14:26

**I think it's hard to explain if you don't get stressed at a lack of solitude but it is making me think that I am not cut out to live with any other person.

Honestly, I don’t think that’s your issue. Your husband is your issue. I get very stressed out without getting some solitude but dp respects that and gives me space. He is naturally more sociable than me but doesn’t expect me to fulfil all his social needs as I couldn’t cope if he did. Yesterday he went into the garden for a virtual glass of wine with a friend for an hour to give me peace and then we went for a walk. It was lovely. I had peace and then company.

vhs95 · 26/03/2020 14:27

As an introvert I like the 2m rule with strangers. I'm comfortable with it. Can we keep it?
OP, I'm sorry for you, having told him you are going somewhere quiet to unwind if he interrupts you then by all means tell him to fuck off...

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 14:31

mbosnz - Oh I recognise what you are saying. This makes sense. It's like he has to have attention all of the time. And if he doesn't get it he will mooch around with a hangdog expression, like I am trying to hurt his feelings, whilst still managing to make an almighty racket.

I am going home at 6pm and already I am feeling tense. He hasn't text me at all today which probably means I am in the dog house.

I don't think he realises that everything is not about him. I could be sharing my house with Tom Hardy but if he was too noisy I would get pissed off with him too.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 26/03/2020 14:31

I highly recommend designating spots in your home to be a workspace for each of you and respect that while at work, some degree of separation is maintained.

DH and I are lucky enough to have rooms with doors that close. We knock occasionally, but it makes the separation much easier. Even if you are in a place small enough that you just have to say, the chair by the tv and the chair by the door, you can still treat those as zones of quiet.

OlaEliza · 26/03/2020 14:32

Would it be at all unreasonable to shout "shut the fuck up!"

Not at all. I'd go so far as saying it's acceptable to duct tape his mouth shut, plus his hands and ankles/feet so he can't tap or bang about, and then leave him flat on the sofa. Maybe put a duvet over him for extra measure. Tell him he's lucky he isn't outside or in the garage ffs.

Poppi89 · 26/03/2020 14:50

I do understand I am completely the same - which is why I don't live with a partner.
But these are unusual times and you both need to compromise or do things like taking a walk or bath. It makes me wonder how you were ever compatible or did you just barely see each other.
I would explain to him you want between certain times getting ready/unwinding from work and then after that you are free to talk as much as he wants.

midwestspring · 26/03/2020 14:56

My house has someone shouting into a microphone on every level.
It is driving me gently nuts.
I'm hiding in my bedroom even though I have lots to do to get some peace.
The difference is that DH said right at the start of this that I was going to find this harder than anyone else and is trying his best to give me some space.

OlaEliza · 26/03/2020 15:04

Tell him to need to decontaminate when you come in. Wipe the bottoms of your shoes with bleach. Put all your clothes in the wash. Spray your coat/bag. Then have a bath/shower. Which may in itself take an hour. Even if it involves sitting in peace in the bathroom. Sitting in a steamy room would be good for lung health atm too I'd imagine.

Whatifitallgoesright · 26/03/2020 15:30

I don't think anyone's said it yet but here goes - If you have children with this man he will not the centre of your attention then. Do you think he will be able to cope with that maturely or will he sulk? When you sleep in the spare room because you can't cope with the sleep disturbance of night feeding and the snoring interference, will he sulk? When you are focusing on your child because you are encouraging their development and building up their sense of emotional safety and security will he sulk then?

BigChocFrenzy · 26/03/2020 15:46

Lockdown is mostly ok for those of us who are introverts - AND live on our own

Must be hell for those who suddenly have people talking and wanting things all day

Yep, do take a walk outside each day - not shoppin or any task, just self-care time alone
Encourage your OH out for an hour and at least there are 2 periods when you ahev some peace

In between, would headphones and concentrating on a Kindle help ?

BigChocFrenzy · 26/03/2020 15:47

Oh, you have the additional burden of Attention-Seeking Man
you poor bugger

Beamur · 26/03/2020 15:52

Your husband sounds insufferably selfish.

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 15:54

Poppi89 - I can cope normally because I usually get an hour or two of alone time between him going to work and me going to work. I also get regular time on my own when he is at football. None of these things are happening at the moment.

Whatifitallgoesright - We will not be having children together so at least I don't need to worry about that aspect of things.

OP posts:
TwilightPeace · 26/03/2020 16:00

You aren’t well suited and quite frankly he sounds like a dick. Would you not be happier without him in your life?

sociallydistained · 26/03/2020 16:02

As an introvert it was my absolute worst fear being Locked down with my boyfriend Grin Miss him dearly but honestly missing him is so much better than resenting him over time...

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 16:11

I do think about being on my own, yes. It sounds like bliss.

I feel suffocated at the moment and knowing there is no end in sight is probably making me over react. Normally, if he was at work, or going to football at the weekend I would look forward to, and use, that time to be completely alone. I need this to function properly.

I realise this is a small problem for some people. I have always been like this to an extent but I seem to be becoming more introverted as I get older, and less willing to put up with other people's selfishness.

I am giving him what he wants, endless attention, endless talking, he watches what he wants on the TV every night, he gets to keep me awake with his snoring every single night, (because he wants us to sleep in the same bed).

All I am asking for is an hour a day where he either sits somewhere else in the house and lets me relax or I can go to another room and he leaves me alone and is quiet himself for that time. I don't think that is much to ask to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 16:13

*Too much to ask

OP posts:
damnthatanxiety · 26/03/2020 16:28

OP, if he can not understand then you perhaps need to book in some couples therapy sessions (once this is all over). Introverts REQUIRE alone time to function. Extroverts REQUIRE social interaction to function. They can work together but only if both understand and respect the other's requirements. If he refuses to, then there are other questions you need to ask yourself,

BringMeTea · 26/03/2020 16:29

He sounds absolutely awful. Just intolerable. Poor you. Please leave as soon as this is all over. Nasty little saddo.

Startingoverat34 · 26/03/2020 16:51

I feel your pain... I am an introvert and have noise cancelling head phones that I use often to manage when it’s just me and the children (I’m a single mum of a 4 and 8 year old).
My mum, who is a natural extrovert is staying with us in this lock down period and I was already struggling with her by day 2.
I don’t do small talk, I don’t talk much in general and need to have quiet calm around me. My children are steady (albeit loud at times) and we have a nice routine normally.
My mum is demanding attention all the time, walking through my space when I’m cooking or cleaning or doing the home schooling. She wants to talk about the weather, something seen on the television, heard on the radio and her interests constantly! It’s so draining and I know I can’t be the person she needs me to be!

I’m doing the podcasts and coffee (often) in the garden!

YANBU

InfiniteCurve · 26/03/2020 22:33

My grandmother lived with us when I was growing up,and she was an extrovert social person. I can remember as a teenager being ensconced on my own in our front room with my book,and she would appear: "Oh,here you are! Aren't you doing anything? Are you coming to be with us?".
No,Gran - and I am doing something,I am sitting here on my own reading my book!

lynsey91 · 27/03/2020 08:45

@damnthatanxiety there may well be a situation when myself and DH would be in conflict but it's not happened in 40 years.

Your partner should be the person you want to spend time with, your best friend. That clearly is not the case in so many relationships.

We haven't even been in lockdown for a week for goodness sake. I could probably understand it after a couple of months but not a few days.

I read the posts on her which so often are women complaining about their partners. They don't want them at home, dread the time they will retire etc. That is not a happy loving relationship is it?

I can't wait for my DH to retire fully so we can spend more time together. I am loving him being home all the time at the moment and it's just sad that so few couples feel that way

Noodlenosefraggle · 27/03/2020 08:56

I agree with you, but I'm in all day with DH and the kids. Whats worse is that Im the one working and supervising the kids while DH has the office, and he's also overly paranoid about going out even though none of us are in the at risk groups, so we could easily have our one walk a day.
I've told him that I'm having 2 days in the office next week and he can supervise the kids while working. He moaned about how 'we' were expected to supervise the kids and work, but I pointed out he wasn't concerned about me doing that this week, so he'd have to deal with it. I might also go on my one walk a day on my own or with the dog. Could you do that? Say you are using your allocated daily exercise to just go for a walk round the block?