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AIBU?

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Original poster

Introverts and Coronavirus

160 replies

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 11:20

I am being massively unreasonable at the moment I'm afraid.

I am introvert and when I don't get time alone I feel very, very cross. This is obviously not ideal during normal times but at the moment my DH is driving me crackers. He knows that I need time alone by the way so this is not news to him.

He is now working from home. I am a fee earner dealing with Wills at a firm of solicitors so I am still working as demand is very high at the moment for obvious reasons.

He is there when I wake up.

He talks incessantly about shit until I go to work.

If he isn't talking to me he is talking to the cat.

If he isn't doing that they he is constantly clearing his throat very loudly and saying he has a tickle in his throat - he doesn't. He does this all of the time and it drives me batshit.

He bangs cupboard doors all of the time.

He sings loudly.

Even when he goes upstairs he is banging around.

When I get home he starts yapping away as soon as I step through the door and basically doesn't stop until he fucks off to bed.

So last night I had had enough of the constant noise. I have just gone very quiet and praying he goes to bed so that I can have just an hour on my own to recharge for work the next day. He went to bed in a mood because I wasn't really saying a lot and being quiet.

This morning he stomped off upstairs telling me that it isn't his fault that he has to work from home. The thing is I know it's not his fault but him being there all of the bloody time is driving me slowly around the bend. He won't just let me have any time at all to be on my own. If I say anything he sulks.

He gets cabin fever but he is going for a bike ride every day after I go to work so that gets it out of his system.

I asked him this morning if he couldn't exercise would he feel agitated and stressed. He said yes, so I said well this is the same for me but I have a need to have some time on my own, rather than exercising. He said that that's different.

I might have all of the time in the world on my own soon as I may place him underneath the patio and end up in prison.

Would it be at all unreasonable to shout "shut the fuck up!" when he starts again tonight, which he absolutely will, as he doesn't like being told what he can and cannot do?

OP posts:
EmpressLangClegInChair · 26/03/2020 12:40

There's threads about "the torture" of being single etc and being isolated. I'm really enjoying myself, though appreciate the situation could radically change in the future.

I’m on my own, but having a lot of online contact with friends & family and work colleagues.

For me, at least, staying home by myself is INFINITELY easier than it would be to do stay home with other people. You have my sympathy, devil. Lots of it.

Marshmallow91 · 26/03/2020 12:42

When our baby goes to bed myself and partner sit in different rooms to get some peace. It works great for us

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 12:42

If I go upstairs he will bang around downstairs or talk loudly to the cat or start laughing in an exaggerated way at sometime online or whatever. It is deliberate, I have no doubt about that, and it is attention seeking. Like he's saying "I'M HERE AND YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO ME" We live in a tiny house so wherever I go I can hear him.

When he's at work it's not too bad. He leaves for work at 6.30 so I get up after he leaves and have an hour before I go to work. He also has a season ticket for football so every other weekend or sometimes in the week he goes there and I get some time at home by myself. This is normally how I cope when he is being noisy, because I know it is only a few days until he goes out. Or I spend time with friends just to get out of the house.

Obviously at the moment we can't escape each other and I am not coping well.

OP posts:
InfiniteCurve · 26/03/2020 12:43

For introvert me noise cancelling headphones wouldn't cut it as what I need to recharge is time on my own.
OP the obvious solution here,particularly as the weather is so good and the evenings are getting lighter,is for him to go out on his bike once you get home.Then you could heave some quiet time and then relate to him once he gets home?
Though to be fair probably not ideal from his point of view as he is at home all day and probably needs midday break...

IVflytrap · 26/03/2020 12:44

I would be encouraging him to phone or Skype all his family and friends for long catch up calls. Then sneak off for a bath or upstairs and put some ear plugs in while he's chatting away.

He sounds lonely, which fair enough, but he needs to respect you enough to accept that your needs may be different from his, and that doesn't make you somehow "wrong".

I know this is a generalisation, but in my experience, most introverts tend to understand that extroverts need interaction with others to feel good and settled within themselves, but the extroverts I know seem to find it hard to accept that introverts need space and quiet away from people for the very same reason. I've been told before that there is something wrong with me for wanting to be alone occasionally. It's upsetting.

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 12:47

InfiniteCurve - that's exactly it. All I really need is an hour or so and I feel ok again, ready to chat. But he will not leave me alone or if he does it is because he is sulking about me needing some time on my own.

The thing is I don't talk incessantly at him when he's tired or snoozing on the sofa. I turn the TV right down so as not to disturb and I let him sleep. So why can't he extend me the same courtesy? I know the answer to this btw, he doesn't care about how I am feeling.

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 26/03/2020 12:47

I think, when this CV crisis is over, you need to separate as you are obviously just totally incompatible. It seems as if neither of you are happy. You're just fundamentally different, sadly.

CaramelBuff · 26/03/2020 12:48

@IVflytrap Completely agree. Extroverts never really understand seem to understand that.

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 12:49

Also when he asks me what's wrong it feels like a trick. I tell him what's wrong and then he gets this moody look on his face and says "fine I will leave you alone then" like I have offended him. Or he will say "I live here too you know" like I am not already aware of this fact. I told him last night it is not about him. If I was confined with anyone I would feel exactly the same way, it is not personal.

OP posts:
Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 12:50

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite - maybe you're right. I

OP posts:
DippyAvocado · 26/03/2020 12:57

When I get home he starts yapping away as soon as I step through the door and basically doesn't stop until he fucks off to bed.

Can you chat for 15-20 minutes when you get I and then go and do something alone? It sounds like he's not got used to being alone all day so just wants some interaction when you get in.

It sounds a bit like when I collect my DC from school/after-school club. They are desperate to talk at me straight away, but if I give them my attention then, I usually get some peace afterwards.

bridgetreilly · 26/03/2020 13:08

I absolutely get this, OP. I am exactly the same.

He needs to understand that you cannot start interacting with him the moment you get home. You will come in, take an hour to decompress from work (go and have a bath, maybe? With the door locked.) and then you will enjoy hanging out with him for the evening.

If he can't understand why, that doesn't matter. He needs to do it anyway because you are telling him that you need this time for the sake of your mental health and wellbeing.

bridgetreilly · 26/03/2020 13:08

And yes, if he'd like to save up his exercise outing for that time, that would be ideal.

WanderingMilly · 26/03/2020 13:12

Yes, put him under the patio....I couldn't be doing with this either. Well, not really the patio, forget that bit. But I understand completely.... I am extremely introverted and posts like this make me glad I am no longer married (divorced years ago.....probably my fault, I don't live with anyone very well!)

One positive about being very introverted is that I really don't mind being on my own, and being isolated for coronavirus doesn't bother me in the slightest, quite happy not to see anyone for days on end and perfectly happy with my own company.

But it must be hard if you have a partner or family, to get the amount of space on your own that you need each day.

Iris243 · 26/03/2020 13:15

My husband is working from home and except for lunch I literally haven’t seen him from 8-4!

He’s been upstairs in his ‘office’ hiding from our toddler as if she sees him she’s absolutely devastated that he can’t play with her!

It does sounds like he is the issue though and not the fact you’re an introvert.

lynsey91 · 26/03/2020 13:17

It doesn't sound like you are very compatible to be honest.

I think it is so sad that so many people don't really get on that well with their partners.

Reginabambina · 26/03/2020 13:20

I’m the same. I’m struggling to breathe properly at the moment I’m so stressed out and it’s only been a few days. DH is fine (also an introvert) but it’s the children. Even when they’re two floors up they’re making noise. I feel like I might go completely mad, I’ve already taken to drink,

Poppi89 · 26/03/2020 13:40

What hours do you work?
I can understand if you were both working from home but surely you only have to put up with him for a few hours each day.
I would use that time to go for a slow walk around outside and then time in the bath with some relaxing music on (and to pretend you can't hear him). I also feel sorry for him too as he must feel lonely and bored having to be at home all day.

damnthatanxiety · 26/03/2020 13:49

lynsey91 ffs, just because there is a level of incompatibility during a truly bizzare event such as a pandemic, it does not mean people are not compatible. Are you seriously trying to say that there is no situation in creation where you and your partner would not have conflict? I know truly loving people who split up after the death of their child or some other terrible event. They were not 'incompatible'. Life became overwhelmingly difficult and sometimes that drives people apart. But hey, you go ahead smugly musing about the sad lives other people live in their incompatible relationships, huh?

Tombero · 26/03/2020 13:56

Could he time his bike ride to be after you get home from work so you get some time alone?

sonjadog · 26/03/2020 14:01

Could you not just put up with the sulk? If you don't react and go about your business being quiet for an hour or so while he is busy sulking, then it is likely that he will get used to it and it won't be a big deal. Sulking needs an audience. Remove the audience and the sulking will likely disappear.

damnthatanxiety · 26/03/2020 14:07

Change your attitude to the sulking. See it as an opportunity to have the quiet you want.

DameFanny · 26/03/2020 14:17

Say what you need to say and let him sulk. Be honest every single time. Sleep in the spare room. Tell him that it feels like he doesn't care about you except as an adjunct to him.

Embrace the sulking, it's your new peace and quiet.

Or kill him. I'm frankly astonished you haven't already.

Original poster
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 14:17

Trust me that if he is sulking it won't be that quiet. No, he will not speak to me. But he will sing loudly, still talk to the cat (loudly), bang and crash around, slam doors etc.

Poppi89 - I work from 8am until about 6pm. I don't get much quiet time at work either, as I am speaking to clients (my meetings are being done by Skype at the moment or on the telephone), or there are calls from clients wanting progress checks or banks/other organisations etc ringing me. This is all normal. Normally he has gone to work when I get up, so I have an hour or two of quiet time before I go into work. I am not getting this time now, because he is awake at 5.30am and wants to talk about stuff before I go into work. When I get home he is there.

I am not a walker and I don't want to walk around outside just to avoid him. I just want to go home and be able to sit and play a mindless game on my ipad for an hour before he starts talking to me.

I think it's hard to explain if you don't get stressed at a lack of solitude but it is making me think that I am not cut out to live with any other person.

OP posts:
HillAreas · 26/03/2020 14:19

So why can't he extend me the same courtesy? I know the answer to this btw, he doesn't care about how I am feeling.

10/10. What an arsehole. Why doesn’t he care about his wife’s mental well-being? Does he want to remain married? You tried to explain how you feel by comparing it with his need to excercise and he didn’t even attempt to understand what you were saying.
Isn’t it funny that this whole thing boils down to poor communication skills (his, not yours) for a man that will not shut up?