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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Introverts and Coronavirus

160 replies

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 26/03/2020 11:20

I am being massively unreasonable at the moment I'm afraid.

I am introvert and when I don't get time alone I feel very, very cross. This is obviously not ideal during normal times but at the moment my DH is driving me crackers. He knows that I need time alone by the way so this is not news to him.

He is now working from home. I am a fee earner dealing with Wills at a firm of solicitors so I am still working as demand is very high at the moment for obvious reasons.

He is there when I wake up.

He talks incessantly about shit until I go to work.

If he isn't talking to me he is talking to the cat.

If he isn't doing that they he is constantly clearing his throat very loudly and saying he has a tickle in his throat - he doesn't. He does this all of the time and it drives me batshit.

He bangs cupboard doors all of the time.

He sings loudly.

Even when he goes upstairs he is banging around.

When I get home he starts yapping away as soon as I step through the door and basically doesn't stop until he fucks off to bed.

So last night I had had enough of the constant noise. I have just gone very quiet and praying he goes to bed so that I can have just an hour on my own to recharge for work the next day. He went to bed in a mood because I wasn't really saying a lot and being quiet.

This morning he stomped off upstairs telling me that it isn't his fault that he has to work from home. The thing is I know it's not his fault but him being there all of the bloody time is driving me slowly around the bend. He won't just let me have any time at all to be on my own. If I say anything he sulks.

He gets cabin fever but he is going for a bike ride every day after I go to work so that gets it out of his system.

I asked him this morning if he couldn't exercise would he feel agitated and stressed. He said yes, so I said well this is the same for me but I have a need to have some time on my own, rather than exercising. He said that that's different.

I might have all of the time in the world on my own soon as I may place him underneath the patio and end up in prison.

Would it be at all unreasonable to shout "shut the fuck up!" when he starts again tonight, which he absolutely will, as he doesn't like being told what he can and cannot do?

OP posts:

Noodlenosefraggle · 27/03/2020 09:03

Why is there no end in sight? It doesn't sound like you are well suited and it doesn't sound like you want to spend time with him. I am an introvert and the thought of being alone doesn't phase me (sounds blissful) so it cant be that.
We're not going to be locked down forever. Life is too short. If you haven't got children, why spend it with a sulker who doesn't respect your needs?

Original poster

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 11:22

There is no end in sight in terms of how long we will end up being on lockdown for. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Well I got home last night and he had gone out for his bike ride before I got in so I had an hour on my own and it was lovely. So when he came in and wanted to chat I didn't feel wound up and we had a nice evening. He is planning on doing the same today as well so fingers crossed it continues.

OP posts:

Krisskrosskiss · 27/03/2020 11:29

I'm introverted... I do get a break because my husband is the one going to work so hes gone some of the time... but I do have two kids all the time now who constantly want my attention.. on one of my husbands day off I just plainly say to him that I need alone time and go and hang out in the bedroom by myself for a few hours whilst he has the kids downstairs... I've always been like this and he knows me. I think you just need to be firm and clear and accept the initial sulking. He will get used to it over time... just say you need a couple of hours alone time.. you dont need to apologise or explain. It's a perfectly normal thing to need... and even sometimes extroverts might need it... tbh I think he is the one that is a bit unusual wanting to interact constantly every second that you are there

Pentium85 · 27/03/2020 11:35

Ahhh what a bundle of fun you sound.

I have no doubt you will very soon be contributing to the ever increasing amount of couples who are splitting up.

TwilightPeace · 27/03/2020 11:55

Wow Pentium, that’s helpful!
If they do split up it will be because he doesn’t give a shit about her feelings or needs.

Pentium85 · 27/03/2020 11:57

@TwilightPeace

I can guess he might have a different side to the story. But yes....always the mans fault, never the woman's.

mbosnz · 27/03/2020 12:01

I don't think a person is necessarily no fun to live with because they'd like a bit of peace and quiet and not to have to constantly be on tap for their partner.

TwilightPeace · 27/03/2020 12:03

Pentium what are you talking about?
Are you an angry bitter man by any chance?

Pentium85 · 27/03/2020 12:04

@TwilightPeace

Haha no, definitely not!
I'm simply saying that the man may view the situation differently and have a differing opinion.

TwilightPeace · 27/03/2020 12:14

Of course his opinion would be different. But he isn’t on here, is he?
Unless....are you the OP’s ‘D’P?

LefttoherownDevizes · 27/03/2020 12:20

DH does this and when I go somewhere else in our (small and full) house he follows me. Or decides to fine and sort the washing out on the bed next to me etc

We have been in isolation due to being ill and I can leave the house tomorrow, I am going to put headphones in with no actual sound and walk without taking to our listening to anyone.

Funny as I find DH harder to manage than three DCs, I think cos he seems to need a lot of validation/company and I can sense that need, literally feels like I'm being sucked dry

jcurve · 27/03/2020 12:21

I have no words of advice but every bit of sympathy. I’m grateful my husband is perhaps even more introverted than I am so we are peacefully co-existing at the moment. He is being very, very unreasonable and your feelings don’t seem to matter to him.

Unless you are introverted you genuinely can’t understand what it’s like. It is a physical pain in my shoulders that I get - a couple of times a year I have to do offsites that run 8am to 6pm, dinner and drinks 7pm - midnight and I find them emotionally exhausting. I’m chatty, not shy and have plenty of friends but I recharge alone, not in company.

IntrovertBnReady4Lockdown4Ages · 27/03/2020 12:37

I was just going to say you've clearly married someone with an incompatible personality - He's an extrovert and you're an introvert. Nothing wrong with the both of you, you just have to find a way to work out your differences and boundaries by speaking to each other about it and being clear about your needs....... but you saying he does some of these things deliberately makes me wonder if he's missed some psychological development somewhere or he just wants to push you away.

That puts a different spin on things.

CeibaTree · 27/03/2020 12:47

Gosh I really feel for you OP - your DH does sound very annoying - but he is only being himself and none of what you describe in your OP sounds that bad. I think people up and down the country are finding out that they are not as compatible with their spouses as they thought they were!

Original poster

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 12:47

Pentium85 - No I suppose I don't sound very much fun. I am not there however to provide anyone with constant entertainment and to act as a clown to amuse other people.

All I am asking for is a tiny amount of time for myself. Clearly this is too much to ask for some people.

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 27/03/2020 12:59

Let’s hope he keeps timing his exercise in a way that gives you space. Please also start sleeping in the spare room if you want, and take turns choosing what to watch on tv. You wants are just as important as his. The more you subsume yourself to him, the more he’ll come to expect it.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/03/2020 13:07

Seems to me you have the perfect (short term) solution - let him sulk.

More co-operatively, he could go for his bike ride while you're at home.

I never understand why people aren't willing to speak up and state their case calmly, rather than all this passive 'sitting waiting and wishing'. It sounds though, as though your DH views any expression of your needs as an incursion upon his wants - and that he values his wants more highly than your needs.

That speaks badly of the chances of your relationship, at any time. It's not a situation-specific issue.

Noodlenosefraggle · 27/03/2020 13:42

@Pentium85 yes her DP may well come on and say 'I've been on my own all day and she wants me to stop talking to her' but the information we have is from OP's point of view and she doesnt seem happy in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to respect her wishes. What's the point in staying there if that is the case?

NameofTheWind · 27/03/2020 13:45

thank God I'm not the only one.
It's been a month since I've had more than an hour to myself. I'm climbing the walls; the only time I get is walking the dog during my state-allocated exercise time and it doesn't count because I have to be constantly switched on to keep doggo safe and the outside is full of other people with whom its obviously polite to at least say hello to (live in a village).

URGH for the good old days when I could be by myself for weeks on end

FinallyHere · 27/03/2020 13:52

he is going for a bike ride every day after I go to work

Could he go when you get home, so you get the house to yourself for the duration of his tide?

A close friend is very strongly introverted, so I have some idea from her experience how debilitating it can be, to have no alone time.

Serious conversation required from him. Saying 'that's different' is not acceptable.

Try having him read this thread ?

t just feels that I can never express anything without a huge sulk on his part.

I'm sorry, this is just not a good basis for a relationship.

2020newme · 27/03/2020 13:59

I think if I put noise cancelling headphones on he would sulk for a month.

So what? Let him sulk. It will be quieter. He doesn't appear to have a lot of respect for you OP.

userxx · 27/03/2020 14:10

It sounds like you dont like him very much to be honest.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 27/03/2020 14:13

Massively unreasonable for him to sag that different. You have told him your needs and he’s dismissing them, because he see his need to talk more important than your need for quiet. Very rude of him.

probablysue · 27/03/2020 14:17

At some point OP he is going to retire. You realise this right? And this will be your life constantly. You don’t sound compatible. I feel for you because I am the same. I can’t stand people being around all the time! It’s fine to be who you are

Original poster

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 27/03/2020 14:18

I do like him actually. He is funny and clever and can be very kind. The issue is that he has a problem with, what he sees as, any criticism of him. He gets very, very defensive over minor issues and this makes me wary of raising things, even small things, because he can get a bit....funny about it.

So when I ask him to let me have a small amount of time alone he takes it personally. I have told him on many occasions that it absolutely is not personal. I just cannot cope with constant noise or endless chit chat. It's just who I am. I give him what he wants 99% of the time. I would just like him to consider my feelings occasionally. That's all.

OP posts:

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