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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's girlfriend staying for quarantine

144 replies

sickofcoronavirus · 24/03/2020 12:22

NC for this because I think she knows I come on here...

My DS (27) moved back into the family home in January with the intention of saving the deposit for a house. We've not been charging him rent so he can dedicate as much as he can of his income to saving for said deposit not actually sure how much of it he's been saving but I digress

His girlfriend has been on and off the scene for about 2 years now. Being honest, I've never taken to her - there's been cheating going on on her part, various MH dramas (which are not her fault but haven't made for easy living)...she's just generally quite immature. I've never explained my feelings to this to DS but DH and I have discussed it previously and I know my other DS, who doesn't live with us full-time, feels similarly.

At this point I'd like to point out I am nothing but lovely to her, because at the end of the day, she is my son's girlfriend. Over the course of her various (re)appearances in our lives, we have previously fed, watered and even taken her on holiday at our own expense. Do I think they'll last? No. But that isn't really my business. For a bit of further context, Girlfriend lives on her own in a different, but commutable, area. Her own home life isn't great - never met the family but gather they're a bit of a handful.

Girlfriend came to stay with us on Sunday night which, if I'm being honest, I think was either cynical or stupid on her and DS' part. It was widely discussed a complete lockdown would be put in place in the coming days, so turning up at our house at all with just a couple of changes of clothes was silly of her. It doesn't help that DS2 is also currently staying at the moment, having ditched his houseshare for mum's cooking! So there are currently 5 of us under one roof, and we are slowly but surely running out of food. I think I'll have to venture out again on Thursday, which doesn't exactly fill me with joy.

AIBU to suggest that Girlfriend return home? We can afford to feed five people, but tbh, it will be a lot of money, which I would rather invest elsewhere. She is an adult woman who is well capable of looking after herself in her own home. And being brutal, I just don't like her. If I'm going to be stuck at home for 3 weeks, I could think of people I'd rather be with!

Oof, sorry that was a bit of a ramble..

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 24/03/2020 12:24

Absolutely tell her to go home. Why on earth does she think it’s ok to stay? I’m pretty sure essential journeys eg returning home are allowed.

Original poster
sickofcoronavirus · 24/03/2020 12:24

For a bit of context, both DSons are with my ex so DH is not their father, if that bears any relation.

OP posts:
Saturdaysnotforexercise · 24/03/2020 12:25

They clearly did it intentionally. That alone shows neither can be trusted to do open and honest communication, which aside from all the other issues you mention is a deal breaker for anyone wanting to doss under my roof.

If she’s staying more than a week I’d be up front about wanting a contribution to household expenses too.

FortunesFave · 24/03/2020 12:25

I'd pack her off home.

MrsSpenserGregson · 24/03/2020 12:26

That's a real dilemma. Is your DS likely to "blame" you if you ask the GF to leave and he isn't able to see her for the 3 weeks of the lockdown (or, let's face it, more than 3 weeks as this is going to go on for much longer than that....)?

Notredamn · 24/03/2020 12:26

Why wouldn't you send her home? Everyone is supposed to be at home. Does she have anywhere to live?

tegucigalpa13 · 24/03/2020 12:27

Why are you doing the shopping if you have a house full of young adults? Unless they have underlying health problems they should be shopping for you as if they get it they are more likely to be able to fight it off.

The girlfriend sounds a bit of a nightmare. I would give your DS the choice between asking her to leave and leaving with her. Make sure they do not come and go.

I think you are optimistic to be thinking in terms of three weeks. Three months is more likely.

AnneJeanne · 24/03/2020 12:27

She’s a cheeky one to impose on you that way. Maybe it was pre-arranged between her and your DS so they could be locked down together with free meals. Of course if she goes he will probably go with her.

Notredamn · 24/03/2020 12:28

I'm having to explain to my three year old why we can't go to the park. Being three, he doesn't really understand. But I'd expect adults to understand why they can't see their casual partners whom they don't live with.

Qgardens · 24/03/2020 12:29

Will you be ok if ds chooses to go with her?

BaronessBomburst · 24/03/2020 12:29

Send her home, and DS with her. With a bit of luck 3 weeks in close confinement will finish the relationship off. Grin

pasturesgreen · 24/03/2020 12:30

The girlfriend needs to go back to her own home. Your DS is an adult and can decide whether or not to go with her, if they really can't be apart for a few weeks.

CuppaZa · 24/03/2020 12:30

She’s a CF! Send her home.

ScorpionQueen · 24/03/2020 12:30

Dds boyfriend has just gone home. He lives with his mum and stepdad. They are both very upset but made the sensible and mature decision to be with their families. They are 18 and 19.
The more people in your house, the harder it is to manage if anyone gets ill. These are hard times and sacrifices have to be made on many levels.

BemidjiMinnesota · 24/03/2020 12:30

YANBU at all

If she lives alone then your DS can go and stay with her. Maybe they'll be 'off' again after spending some extended time together.

Original poster
sickofcoronavirus · 24/03/2020 12:32

@Qgardens completely fine. I love my DS but I'm at the stage in my life where I don't need my kids hanging around all the time! For the record, I don't think he will go. If I forced him to drop her off home (she doesn't drive) then I'm sure he'd come straight back.

OP posts:
ArialAnna · 24/03/2020 12:32

Two minds here - it's not unreasonable of you to suggest it, but it's also not the kindest thing to do. She sounds like a girl who's had a tough start in life and has mental health issues - living on her own on lockdown might send her into a downwards spiral. Could you not ask all of them (your two sons included) to contribute to the food and take turns to do the shopping?

Sn0tnose · 24/03/2020 12:32

I’d be prepared for either claims that the family can’t accept her back or attempts by your DS to claim that if she goes, he goes.

PinkiOcelot · 24/03/2020 12:33

I’d be sending her packing.

managinged · 24/03/2020 12:33

Rather than "suggest" it, I would calmly but firmly tell her that she is going back to her own place. You've put up with enough already. If your son strops and goes with her, then let him go. They are both adults.

Justmuddlingalong · 24/03/2020 12:33

Sit them both down and explain that as she has a home, she should be in it. If DS wants to join her, that's fine and their decision. Do it today, don't feel guilty and tell them it's non negotiable.

annamie · 24/03/2020 12:34

Oh my God get her out. Your responsibility is to your family, not this woman.

herbie01 · 24/03/2020 12:37

As they are all adults, why aren't you asking for $$ contribution to the food bill at the very least??
Particularly the girlfriend, you don't owe her a free food ride in life just because she's dating your son. Big difference between joining you for the odd meal now and then, and her being there for every meal.

I don't get why you paid for her to go on holiday with you either....

BlueVeins · 24/03/2020 12:37

Off home where she lives alone? I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I’d let her stay, but find ways to keep my own space. And find ways to get along with her. But I accept it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not having to do that.

OhhhPeee · 24/03/2020 12:39

Send your son with her if he doesn’t want her to be alone. They’re not young adults starting out, they’re nearly 30!