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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's girlfriend staying for quarantine

144 replies

sickofcoronavirus · 24/03/2020 12:22

NC for this because I think she knows I come on here...

My DS (27) moved back into the family home in January with the intention of saving the deposit for a house. We've not been charging him rent so he can dedicate as much as he can of his income to saving for said deposit not actually sure how much of it he's been saving but I digress

His girlfriend has been on and off the scene for about 2 years now. Being honest, I've never taken to her - there's been cheating going on on her part, various MH dramas (which are not her fault but haven't made for easy living)...she's just generally quite immature. I've never explained my feelings to this to DS but DH and I have discussed it previously and I know my other DS, who doesn't live with us full-time, feels similarly.

At this point I'd like to point out I am nothing but lovely to her, because at the end of the day, she is my son's girlfriend. Over the course of her various (re)appearances in our lives, we have previously fed, watered and even taken her on holiday at our own expense. Do I think they'll last? No. But that isn't really my business. For a bit of further context, Girlfriend lives on her own in a different, but commutable, area. Her own home life isn't great - never met the family but gather they're a bit of a handful.

Girlfriend came to stay with us on Sunday night which, if I'm being honest, I think was either cynical or stupid on her and DS' part. It was widely discussed a complete lockdown would be put in place in the coming days, so turning up at our house at all with just a couple of changes of clothes was silly of her. It doesn't help that DS2 is also currently staying at the moment, having ditched his houseshare for mum's cooking! So there are currently 5 of us under one roof, and we are slowly but surely running out of food. I think I'll have to venture out again on Thursday, which doesn't exactly fill me with joy.

AIBU to suggest that Girlfriend return home? We can afford to feed five people, but tbh, it will be a lot of money, which I would rather invest elsewhere. She is an adult woman who is well capable of looking after herself in her own home. And being brutal, I just don't like her. If I'm going to be stuck at home for 3 weeks, I could think of people I'd rather be with!

Oof, sorry that was a bit of a ramble..

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofcoronavirus · 24/03/2020 14:56

Really she shouldn't have come over this weekend anyway. Lots of people seem to think coronavirus affects everyone but them!

OP posts:
Sunshinedelight1287 · 24/03/2020 15:26

OP you need to put your foot down. DS is an adult and should damn well know better. This is a classic example of a boy wanting Mummy to do everything yet what's to be independent when it suits them.

He should realise as a responsible adult that it's not right to have his girlfriend staying over, especially in the current circumstances and not even paying any rent.

diddl · 24/03/2020 15:29

"Are they aware there can't be flitting back and forward? "

That's perhaps why she's still there.

Hoping to try "oh but I can't go home now..."

Well yes, she can & she must!

Theresnobslikeshowb · 24/03/2020 15:31

You probably give her stability that she doesn’t or hasn’t had in her life. The unit that she wants. Hence she like to be around you all.

Theresnobslikeshowb · 24/03/2020 15:31

*family unit

Mix56 · 24/03/2020 15:36

I would ask her in a simple convo over dinner, how long she anticipated staying, depending on the reply
I would say really ? That's a lot of freebies. I don't think i remember any conversation of you asking to some & visit.

savethewales · 24/03/2020 15:38

27 isn't exactly young and irresponsible; I'm 27, married and a home owner. Even when living at home and saving to move out, I always contributed to the cost of living at home!

billy1966 · 24/03/2020 15:40

Definitely send her home.

Both she and your son are CF's with sod all concern for you OP.

Of course they would prefer to stay in mum's hotel while you cook and clean.

I would be seriously unimpressed with my son thinking he could take the piss like that...

But OP, it sounds as if he's been doing that, rent free, for a while...

You are doing him absolutely no favours, allowing him to think he can enjoy a free ride, or yourself.....as you have now found out, as he tries to move his girlfriend in on your tab....Hmm

Value yourself more OPFlowers

diddl · 24/03/2020 15:41

"I would ask her in a simple convo over dinner, how long she anticipated staying,"

Nope-it's not her decision.

Op needs to tell her that she must go home as she isn't part of the household.

Notnownotneverever · 24/03/2020 15:42

Is it completely her own home and she feels safe and secure there - no issues with neighbours, etc? And she lives alone....then yes. Ask her and DS to go and stay there together. It makes sense to not be completely alone in case you are ill alone and need assistance. Maybe give them a couple of days food if you can.

Ragwort · 24/03/2020 15:44

Of course she should go home, don’t be so soft. Both your DS and his GF are taking advantage of your easy going nature.

I’ve got a 19 year old DS, I would be very disappointed if he behaved like that.

Justmuddlingalong · 24/03/2020 15:44

Don't negotiate dig money. You dislike her and spending more time than you have to will grate on your nerves. She's overstayed somewhere she was never invited to stay. I would also be having a word to your DS about overstepping boundaries in your home. The "you treat this place like a hotel" conversation isn't usually still happening when the child is 27 years old.

notalwaysalondoner · 24/03/2020 15:45

I’d probably send her home and tell DS to go with her, as asking anyone to spend three weeks completely alone is pretty hard. I know lots of people who’ve moved in with friends, siblings, parents temporarily for the company.

If it’s mainly the money that bothers you, why on Earth can’t you have an open conversation about it? “Hey DS’s Gf, as you’ll be staying more than the odd night we expect you’ll be paying your share of food for the duration which we expect to be roughly £xx-xx per week, but I’ll keep the receipts and do a tally at the end, plus your share of the bills for these three weeks” or something? We have a friend staying for the duration in our flat as we’ve moved back with our parents and that’s exactly what we said to her about bills. It’s not a difficult conversation and if she makes it difficult, she leaves.

InFiveMins · 24/03/2020 15:46

I haven't read your responses OP but I think YABU. She's your son's girlfriend, she means a lot to him even if she doesn't mean very much to you. I'd just let her stay and plod on as normal, maybe set some ground rules. You've said you can afford the extra food etc so really can't see the issue here. If you don't think their relationship will last then great, but that's surely for your son to find out in his own time.

SpillTheTea · 24/03/2020 15:51

Why are you letting her swan in and stay at your house uninvited for days anyway? They're not teenagers. I'd tell her she needs to go.

JRUIN · 24/03/2020 15:58

Oh dear you really are a soft touch aren't you OP. Seems to me you are being taken advantage of by three adults not just her. Tell the one you are not related to do one, and if DS1 objects send him packing and all.

NameChangeNugget · 24/03/2020 16:01

Kick her out

sewingsinger · 24/03/2020 16:10

OP this is very easy. This afternoon you ask her what time is she leaving as you are planning dinner. This will be met with surprise but you breezily say that after the PM's message last night she needs to return to her house. If she and your son ask why she can't stay there you need to make it clear that she can't because she doesn't live there and this could go on for months. You don't have to give any other reason - do not get into a discussion. Your son will potentially try and call your bluff by saying he will go to. Just let him, for gods sake he's 27 years old not a child anymore. Also make it clear that she cannot keep coming over, this is a lockdown! I would also be telling your son that neither can he flit back and forwards - this is how the virus is spread.

IdblowJonSnow · 24/03/2020 16:17

Yanbu. Get rid!
My parents would never have tolerated that and I like to think I wouldn't either - it's a while away tho so may be deluded!

wibdib · 24/03/2020 16:17

If she has been at your house then chances are that she won't have any/much food in so will have to stop at a shop to pick up supplies anyway - the fact that her start and end points are different is immaterial - she is still shopping then going home.

Another vote for sending her to her own home - along with an I'm surprised that you thought it suitable to come at all what with social distancing and all... If she stays she is going to irritate you more and more and that will become harder and harder to hide...

shawarmasue · 24/03/2020 16:22

Home 100% for your own mental health and also relationship with your son. It will be all be fine and then it might blow up meaning jeapordise your relationship with him

iolaus · 24/03/2020 16:33

The choice is up to you
My daughter is currently at her boyfriend's and staying there (with his family) for the foreseeable - his mother did offer before the lockdown actually happened.

Mix56 · 24/03/2020 16:35

re my post, It was a means of breaking this to her.... Op saying she doesn't like confrontation

Totalfangoolie · 24/03/2020 16:39

As if!! Tell her to go home. What a CF

CeibaTree · 24/03/2020 16:39

Fingers crossed for her key worker status! If that doesn't come through, you need to get your son to break the news to her - after all she is his uninvited guest..