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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's girlfriend staying for quarantine

144 replies

sickofcoronavirus · 24/03/2020 12:22

NC for this because I think she knows I come on here...

My DS (27) moved back into the family home in January with the intention of saving the deposit for a house. We've not been charging him rent so he can dedicate as much as he can of his income to saving for said deposit not actually sure how much of it he's been saving but I digress

His girlfriend has been on and off the scene for about 2 years now. Being honest, I've never taken to her - there's been cheating going on on her part, various MH dramas (which are not her fault but haven't made for easy living)...she's just generally quite immature. I've never explained my feelings to this to DS but DH and I have discussed it previously and I know my other DS, who doesn't live with us full-time, feels similarly.

At this point I'd like to point out I am nothing but lovely to her, because at the end of the day, she is my son's girlfriend. Over the course of her various (re)appearances in our lives, we have previously fed, watered and even taken her on holiday at our own expense. Do I think they'll last? No. But that isn't really my business. For a bit of further context, Girlfriend lives on her own in a different, but commutable, area. Her own home life isn't great - never met the family but gather they're a bit of a handful.

Girlfriend came to stay with us on Sunday night which, if I'm being honest, I think was either cynical or stupid on her and DS' part. It was widely discussed a complete lockdown would be put in place in the coming days, so turning up at our house at all with just a couple of changes of clothes was silly of her. It doesn't help that DS2 is also currently staying at the moment, having ditched his houseshare for mum's cooking! So there are currently 5 of us under one roof, and we are slowly but surely running out of food. I think I'll have to venture out again on Thursday, which doesn't exactly fill me with joy.

AIBU to suggest that Girlfriend return home? We can afford to feed five people, but tbh, it will be a lot of money, which I would rather invest elsewhere. She is an adult woman who is well capable of looking after herself in her own home. And being brutal, I just don't like her. If I'm going to be stuck at home for 3 weeks, I could think of people I'd rather be with!

Oof, sorry that was a bit of a ramble..

OP posts:
adaline · 24/03/2020 13:13

We could be on lockdown for several months.

She needs to go home. Now.

Notredamn · 24/03/2020 13:13

There's no need for confrontation. Just tell her there's a lockdown been announced at half 8 last night and everyone needs to be at home, give her some biscuits or something to take with her.

Ughmaybenot · 24/03/2020 13:14

She needs to go home, this could go on for a very long time yet.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 24/03/2020 13:15

I don't think anybody does enjoy confrontation, OP. What I would do is have the conversation with son on his own - as he has instigated this. I'd give him 2 options and let him choose:

Option 1 - GF goes back home. This is what is intended under the government guidance and there has never been a plan for her to move in. Nobody knows how long this will go on for and for that reason, home is for family only. If when restrictions are lifted then she'd be welcome to visit for dinner or whatever.

Option 2 - if son can't live without her then he's free to go with her. You'd be sorry, of course, but you'd understand and you'd see him when this is all over.

That's what I'd do. Give him two options that you don't mind the outcome of either way, and let him decide which he likes best (or least). Over to sonny boy...

BusyProcrastinator · 24/03/2020 13:18

Your house sounds like a hotel. Make a cooking, shopping and cleaning rota and see if it becomes less attractive. Including paying for groceries.

I wouldn’t kick her out as then you’ll be the bad guy (even though it’s reasonable)and you’ll push them together. Or he will miss her. Keep her there and he’ll probably want rid. But use the deterrents above.

Purpleartichoke · 24/03/2020 13:19

Send her home today.

He can always go with her for the duration if they don’t want to be separated

okiedokieme · 24/03/2020 13:21

She goes home or pays her way - I have extra in my house, we didn't expect it to happen yesterday, we thought the weekend. My extra pays - and is doing the gardening. I'm stuck elsewhere

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 24/03/2020 13:21

Busy but it's now or never. Once lockdown happens (today?) then nobody is going anywhere.

JasonBrun · 24/03/2020 13:24

Do they stay mostly in his room? Or communal space also? If she paid her way would that make a difference?

Have you spoken to your son about it at all?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/03/2020 13:24

Suggest they both go back to hers so they have more space

SebastienCrabSauce · 24/03/2020 13:25

Why are you doing the shopping if you have a house full of young adults?

I wouldn’t consider 27 that young to be honest!

Redlocks30 · 24/03/2020 13:26

Busy but it's now or never. Once lockdown happens (today?) then nobody is going anywhere.

That isn’t true though, is it?

Even if there’s a lockdown, schools will still be open as they are now-I will still be going to work.

Nurses/doctors/police etc will still be going to work, I’m sure people will be allowed to leave a house to go home.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 24/03/2020 13:27

Why are you doing the shopping if you have a house full of young adults?

Off home where she lives alone? I wouldn’t do that to anyone. I’d let her stay, but find ways to keep my own space. And find ways to get along with her. But I accept it’s easy for me to say that when I’m not having to do that.

Both of these (above) comments. There is no reason why your sons, and the girlfriend shouldn't have a shopping rota (and at least occasionally pay for what they bring back - I speak as a woman whose Mother's Day present was a multipack of dog food and a bag of onions Grin).

I wouldn't send her where she would be on her own. She may be a lot more frightened than you realise about what is happening around her. I know that I am scared stiff when I wake up in the early hours - if it wasn't fr the fact that I have DH and DD to help me get things in proportion I'd be in an awful state.

If you really can't bear the thought of her living with you (and I would find it hard - I love my DIL, but I wouldn't find it easy to live with her), you could suggest that she and your sone BOTH go to live in her flat.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/03/2020 13:28

IDK if I'd directly 'kick her out' (likely your DS's feelings about it), but I'd make sure she understands that it's not a 'jolly holiday'. I'd make it as 'unappetizing' as I could. I'd them them (DSs and her) that the 'young people' will carry the responsibility of doing ALL (necessary) outside errands and more than their fair share of the household chores. AND that I'd expect a financial contribution towards food from her for the duration of the lockdown.

Chances are she'll decamp hastily.

babynewt · 24/03/2020 13:30

Don't do it.

There are already serious red flags with boundary issues, what will it be like if your all in your home, in full lockdown, bet you won't get any contributions either, even if it's agreed at the outset. Her mental health issues are not yours. Get rid. ASAP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/03/2020 13:31

God no. She needs to go and today!

Justmuddlingalong · 24/03/2020 13:32

D'you think perhaps your DS is waiting on you making the decision of her going home, instead of him? To make you the baddie so to speak.

diddl · 24/03/2020 13:32

Op wouldn't be kicking her out.

She would be telling her to go to her own home-where she should have already gone!

Herpesfreesince03 · 24/03/2020 13:43

I know we’re technically on lockdown, but we can still leave the house. Has she actually asked if she can stay?? I’d send her home immediately op

Herpesfreesince03 · 24/03/2020 13:43

Get your son to tell her if you don’t want to

Secretmum41 · 24/03/2020 13:55

I have the same but in reverse.

I’ve told my 22 year old dd that she must return home. It’s not right for her boyfriend’s family to be responsible for her. She currently spends about half the week at their house. They love her but that’s not the point. This is lockdown, it’s serious, she should be here with her own family.

KnickersandGnomes · 24/03/2020 13:55

She has to go.

It sounds like they have quite a volatile relationship and I can imagine that sooner or later (probably sooner) they will have an almighty falling out and the last thing you need is two grown ass adults sulking and storming about while you are all trapped in the same house with them.

Lucked · 24/03/2020 13:58

Just say
As much as it has not been a problem for her to visit in the past staying for the duration of the lockdown is not feasible as it is too many in your house and she needs to be going home.

It is up to you if you tell your son to tell her or you tell them both together.

Do it today.

Fruitsaladjelly · 24/03/2020 14:00

Omg! People are taking this lock down very seriously! Of course she is allowed to travel home, she can travel to work, she can travel to the supermarket. Please don’t put up with this cf

AlexaT · 24/03/2020 14:03

I think it’s ridiculous that you don’t charge your son rent when he’s 27yo and has a job. Anyone saving can and should be able to at least put forward £100 a month for food when living with parents/relatives - especially if no rent is being paid. At the very least ask him to pick up (pay) for the groceries whilst here, especially if GF is staying around too. Not sure how old you are but given that older people are generally at risk, you’re better off staying home and getting the shopping done via your son (of who is also consuming the food at home).

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