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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that DH has done nothing for Mother’s Day?

130 replies

YakkityYakYakYak · 22/03/2020 12:04

DD is 9 months old so this is my first Mother’s Day. I know we all have bigger things to worry about at the moment but I can’t help feeling hurt that DH has made zero effort; he hasn’t even wished me happy mothers day.

I understand him not being able to get out to the shops and wouldn’t want him to go out especially. I don’t want extravagant gifts or anything but just hoped for any kind of gesture to show me I’m appreciated. There are loads of things you can do without leaving the house - order flowers to be delivered, make a card, breakfast in bed, etc.

This year, I’ve organised a card and flowers to be sent to DM but won’t be seeing her for obvious reasons. And last year at 40 weeks pregnant I managed to organise a card and gift for DH. It’s not impossible!

I’ve just told him that in lieu of a gift, he can clean the house and look after DD for the day, and I’ll be lying in the bath relaxing for the next few hours.

OP posts:
JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 22/03/2020 12:28

How's long were you pregnant for if you were 40 weeks on mother's Day last year and your child is nine months old?

Original poster
YakkityYakYakYak · 22/03/2020 12:30

I mean I got him a gift for Father’s Day last year, just before DD was born.

OP posts:
MoonBlood · 22/03/2020 12:30

How's long were you pregnant for if you were 40 weeks on mother's Day last year and your child is nine months old?

I’m assuming OP is referencing being 40 weeks on Father’s Day last year which is roughly 9 months ago 🙄

GinDrinker00 · 22/03/2020 12:33

YANBU. He could of let you have a lie in. Mine did and he’s cooking Sunday dinner for me and the kids. Grin Tell him to sort himself out and cook you a nice dinner!

goolish · 22/03/2020 12:39

Hi OP. It's my first Mother's Day too, my little one is a similar age. When dh asked a few weeks ago I said I'd like something I could keep and look back on, not a particularly hard request and he got me a box of chocs. I got a bit upset and I think emotions are amplified by things being so out of the ordinary. It's ok to be disappointed. Men don't think about things as much as we do in a lot of cases (not an excuse)

Dishwashersaurous · 22/03/2020 12:41

Why did you get him a card before the baby was born? That’s odd

Twizzled · 22/03/2020 12:44

I got a £1 chocolate orange. I’m really quite hurt. I can understand why you feel this way

JasonBrun · 22/03/2020 12:46

I'm with you. My DH did me a lovely day last year for my first one but this year not even a card. He's sulking upstairs while I look after the baby because I'm not being nice enough to him apparently. I think they forget that they're not actually the only people affected by things. I'm getting him fuck all for father's Day though, I'll tell you that.

limpbizkit · 22/03/2020 12:47

To be fair I think you need to lower your expectations. I'm guessing your DH isn't 'the type' to do gestures of this kind and you probably already know that and have possibly talked yourself into a pity party over it. Sorry to sound so harsh. But lower your expectations. Your daughter isn't old enough to know the meaning. My DH is currently sanding down a skirting board as we speak. My son picked me a card that I bought because he especially wanted that one for me (he's 4 daughter is 3) because it had flowers on it for me (quote) how personal. Thsts all I need for mothers day. Don't look at all the grand gestures on Facebook. They're for show. Your time will come

Original poster
YakkityYakYakYak · 22/03/2020 12:47

@dishwasher I just thought it was a nice gesture, and because she was due the day after Father’s Day so didn’t know whether she would be with us by then or not. Wish I hadn’t bothered now.

OP posts:
Twizzled · 22/03/2020 12:47

Ditto re: Father’s Day. Oh I forgot, I got made a cup of tea also

timeisnotaline · 22/03/2020 12:52

I don’t think you need to lower your expectations. Stick to your guns with disappearing to the bath, tell him you are disappointed, point out the things you do for baby and as baby’s father and your husband he should appreciate the days and nights you have devoted to caring for your baby together. Say next year if you can’t do something thoughtful, I will think of a clearer set of standards closer to the day, then im fucking off on a long weekend/weeks holiday and you can be main parent. If no one else in this marriage is going to value me then I bloody well have to don’t I?
Spend some of your bath time thinking of your fuck off mini holiday plan. Mine was a trip to Paris solo (dh did fuck all for first Mother’s Day and ive not forgiven him) but he did improve significantly for my 2nd Mother’s Day so I didn’t get to go then Grin

Iwalkinmyclothing · 22/03/2020 12:52

It doesn't matter, but that's not the point. If it matters to you and you tell him so and he still doesnt make an effort, that's just shit.

limpbizkit · 22/03/2020 12:52

@JasonBrun punishing your DH for not going OTT for mothers day. Thsts passive aggressive. I'm sure our mother's and grandmother's weren't bothered when they're kids were months old. A kiss and an 'I love you this whole world mummy' and a daisy picked from a grass verge for me just moments ago has topped off my day. Can't stop smiling. My DH doesn't need to add to that with cheap or sentimentalised tat that didn't originate from the kids.

limpbizkit · 22/03/2020 12:54

What a bunch of diva's
. So glad my marriage problems don't start and end with this kind of melodrama

Poptart4 · 22/03/2020 12:57

YANBU, you can get a 2 quid bunch of flowers from lidl or aldi. Or he could have made you breakfast in bed. He doesn't have to spend a fortune to show he cares or appreciates you.

I'd tell him how disappointed you are and next year let him know in advance you expect a little something. Some men need it spelling out to them.

And yes I know your not his mother but its standard practice that the adults organise something when the kids are too small to do it themselves.

Herpesfreesince03 · 22/03/2020 12:57

Are you his mother? Mother’s Day is to show appreciation to mothers. Not for partners to buy their partners presents

Spiderandmay · 22/03/2020 12:58

I think it’s reasonable to be upset. It’s not just about the day! It’s the feeling of being grateful for your little family. This year should have been my first Mother’s Day. It isn’t. Instead I’ve had to contend with knowing my friend had her baby on my due date, not having my mum here or even being able to take flowers to her grave and my husband prancing around with flowers and grand plans for his mum. Instead I have decided to bake. Tell your husband you are disappointed and in future if he has any plans for you for future Mother’s Day. If not then make no plans for Father’s Day and next year plan something lovely for yourself. Or this week! Just hand him the baby and say I’m going to have an hour to myself. Happy Mother’s Day to you all 😊

pocketem · 22/03/2020 12:59

You're not his mum. Why should he get you a mother's Day card? Pretending it's from your 9 month old baby is pretty weird tbh

JasonBrun · 22/03/2020 13:01

I don't want him to go 'OTT' @limpbizkit I want him to fold a fucking piece of card and write our kids names on it. We have all the craft stuff, he's had plenty of time.

But I'm glad your life is so perfect.

Spiderandmay · 22/03/2020 13:03

This is really harsh. Some of us have had to try really hard to become mothers and still try. It’s nice to be appreciated. Just because you don’t need it in your relationship you shouldn’t judge others who do!

Longtalljosie · 22/03/2020 13:03

We get this sort of thread every year but “a daisy picked from a grass verge for me just moments ago has topped off my day” is an absolute classic of the genre.

OP - YANBU. New mothers absolutely should be spoiled their first Mother’s Day. It’s among the hardest yards of parenting, and relentless, and it should be recognised. Sadly this is very common.
Mine was less than ideal as well, but my reaction to that meant it was where it should be the following year. Now my kids are old enough to do their own hand-drawn cards, of course that is now what it’s about - but if we can’t appreciate a new mum on Mother’s Day what’s the whole day about??

limpbizkit · 22/03/2020 13:05

One of the things the 12 step therapy is so successful at resulting in feelings of peace and serenity is accepting you cannot control or change people. They are not responsible for how you feel. You've created this feeling by having an expectation of your DH (that you obviously know he won't deliver on) if he was into sentimental gestures (which getting a card on behalf of a 9month old is by the way) before and has suddenly stopped that's questionable. But I'm guessing it's not been in his previous character? I just don't get it. You're setting yourself up for feeling glum all day. What a waste of a day.

limpbizkit · 22/03/2020 13:08

@JasonBrun you entirely missed the point of my post. It's the utter imperfection of my dear children's daisy from the verge that makes it perfect. I bought my own mother's day card if you read properly. Should I get in a mood over that?

SueEllenMishke · 22/03/2020 13:09

There really is no reason not to make an effort. My DH explained that he couldn't get me what he'd planned to get me but I still got breakfast in bed and he's doing Sunday lunch. I also go flowers left on the doorstep as some local florists are doing non contact delivery.
I don't blame you for being upset.