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Original poster

To be upset that DH has done nothing for Mother’s Day?

130 replies

YakkityYakYakYak · 22/03/2020 12:04

DD is 9 months old so this is my first Mother’s Day. I know we all have bigger things to worry about at the moment but I can’t help feeling hurt that DH has made zero effort; he hasn’t even wished me happy mothers day.

I understand him not being able to get out to the shops and wouldn’t want him to go out especially. I don’t want extravagant gifts or anything but just hoped for any kind of gesture to show me I’m appreciated. There are loads of things you can do without leaving the house - order flowers to be delivered, make a card, breakfast in bed, etc.

This year, I’ve organised a card and flowers to be sent to DM but won’t be seeing her for obvious reasons. And last year at 40 weeks pregnant I managed to organise a card and gift for DH. It’s not impossible!

I’ve just told him that in lieu of a gift, he can clean the house and look after DD for the day, and I’ll be lying in the bath relaxing for the next few hours.

OP posts:
Themountainsarecalling · 22/03/2020 18:48

@MagpieWife

Gosh, I'm sorry, your issues are a bit deeper than just today. If you'd mentioned any of that in your first post, there's no way I would have thought you were being precious.

I understand the ambivalence, I was originally a trailing spouse and I had to give up my job, friends, family, life really to move here and now there's no prospect of moving back for a long time.

Take care Thanks

westenddweller · 22/03/2020 18:50

SueEllen - ita not up to husbands, father-in-law's etc. to sort Mother's Day, sorry, but it really isn't. Like I said, if child does something in school then that's lovely and that's what schools etc. do but I would never expect it. I'd appreciate a heartfelt thought on the day once my kid was old enough to appreciate the day, me, and the sentiment.
Just have to agree to disagree I guess.

westenddweller · 22/03/2020 18:51

*it's
*laws

Outtedagain · 22/03/2020 18:54

For Mother’s Day, after carrying 6 children here is what I got

Yes that’s it. Nowt, it’s not wife’s day.

DC10 · 22/03/2020 18:55

Men are pretty rubbish at this sort of thing generally. But in a few years time (not long!) your child will be happily making you the loveliest card at nursery/school and these, with their handmade gifts are the things to treasure as a mum. Try not to let it bother you.

SueEllenMishke · 22/03/2020 19:02

Well I guess we do west. I really do feel it is your husband's responsibility to facilitate mother's day on behalf of his children until they are old enough to do this themselves. My fil put message on the family WhatsApp group wishing is daughters and me a happy mother's day. It was nice.

My 5 year old has just told me he's had a lovely mother's day....he's really enjoyed planning nice things with his dad. We do the same for father's Day. It's not been anything ostentatious and it doesn't need to be.

SueEllenMishke · 22/03/2020 19:08

DC10
No not all men are rubbish at this. Just the lazy, selfish ones.
All the men I know have managed to make an effort

MagpieWife · 22/03/2020 19:09

@themountainsarecalling

Not at all! I'm just putting some of this stuff together in my head as I post. I appreciate your thoughts.

I think Mother's Day can be an opportunity for husbands to recognise just how much motherhood costs - because in our patriarchal society, it does cost more than fatherhood (though maybe the rewards are greater). My husband and OP's husband (and many others it seems) missed that opportunity today. My husband does recognise me in other ways. I hope the other husbands on here do too.

Winterwoollies · 22/03/2020 19:11

@limpbizkit it wasn’t ridicule so much as shock you were calling me ignorant for trying to be diligent.

In all peaceful seriousness, what is the right advice if my sibling is giving out the wrong advice-facts? They’ve been intubating patients all week so there’s a chance they’re being over-zealous...

slimecentury · 22/03/2020 19:20

I got a magazine and cards that kids had made from school. Yeah I was a bit upset too to have nothing else in the day different. I don't want gifts I want to feel appreciated. But I'm not really sure where the line is. My issue goes deeper than Mother's Day. Perhaps yours does too and that's why it hurts so much?

rbmilliner · 22/03/2020 19:23

I feel your pain op. My husband didn't do anything either.
It's not the fact that I didn't get anything, it's what my nearly three to dd has missed out on. She's at the age where she's starting to get excited about giving people stuff and has missed out on the excitement of doing that. All would have taken is a picture and she and I'd have been happy. She doesn't even know it's mother's Day really apart from the fact that she scribbled in one of the two cards he managed to get for his own mother (even though she's never really shown much of an interest in her).

DeeCeeCherry · 22/03/2020 19:38

I got cards flowers from DCs. They ordered a lovely takeaway. I am their Mum - your DH isn't your Mum! He can give Mothers Day card to his Mum, not to you. I suppose you'll listen to the drama llamas on here who are cranking you up so you can go all passive aggressive on your DH over silliness.

Your DC will grow up then you'll have the Mothers Day cards etc. What's wrong with that?

I'm sure social media has started all this precious me me me style over so many occasions.

SueEllenMishke · 22/03/2020 19:41

'drama llama's' and social media hype🙄.....no just kind, considerate partners.

DeeCeeCherry · 22/03/2020 20:09

SueEllen I have a very kind and considerate partner thanks, he'll do. But Mothers Day isnt about him, I'm neither a limpet nor his Mother, and appreciation from DCs makes me feel good. He was at his Mum's 1/2 the day. I had a nice day with DCs. That's it. I can't believe women play or encourage other women to play passive aggressive games over this. Then when Valentines Day comes around the boards are full of women deriding it.. As if you don't want a day dedicated to love relationships but you want to latch on to Mothers Day as a day for you and your man🙄.
Or maybe it's about competing with Mother-In-laws? Strange, whatever it is. I have never heard anyone in real-life complaining about no Mothers Day card from their man Confused

SueEllenMishke · 22/03/2020 20:25

We celebrate Valentine's Day. What does that have to with mother's day?

My DH facilitates mother's day for our 5 year old - ya know cos he doesn't have his own money yet on the account of being 5!
My DH isn't getting me a card from him it's from our child... surely that's easy to understand?
I don't know a single dad who doesn't do this.

SueEllenMishke · 22/03/2020 20:28

Oh and I'm not competing with my mil. She's bloody amazing and we usually all go out for a meal together. She would seriously bollock my DH if he didn't acknowledge mother's Day on behalf of DS

RandomAmanda · 22/03/2020 21:15

Every year the same song with its well worn 'you're not his mum' chorus... 🎶

Whereas lots of people see the day as being an opportunity or a reminder to celebrate mothers - mums-to-be, stepmums, mothers-in-law, grandmothers 🎉 I wish a Happy Mother's Day to friends who are mothers (but who aren't my mother Shock and (some of you might want to sit down for this one) my brother wished me a Happy Mother's Day this morning Shock Shock Shock

limpbizkit · 22/03/2020 23:40

@DeeCeeCherry well said Smile

SueEllenMishke · 23/03/2020 06:49

Same here random
The only place I've ever heard the 'you aren't his mother' is on MN where it appears you're spoilt/manipulative/drama queen for wanting to celebrate ANYTHING. It's really quite sad.

My DH managed to organise cards and flowers for me, his mum and his sister.....his sister's partner has just left her and is being a complete dick so he didn't want to to not be acknowledged and the kids are too young. She's not his mother either but I was a kind thing to do. It took hardly any time at all.

For me mother's day is bittersweet. I lost my mum a few years ago in a very sudden and traumatic way. Usually a group of us get together for a drink ( as we do most Sunday's but we generally make more effort on special occasions) but for obvious reasons we couldn't yesterday but they all arranged to video call me so we could do a toast. My DH facilitated it which was lovely - it helped cheer up what can be a sad day.

AvonBarksdale99 · 23/03/2020 07:15

I wonder if the same mothers who get annoyed when their partners don’t get them something for Mother’s Day are also upset when their children don’t get them something for Valentine’s Day?

SueEllenMishke · 23/03/2020 07:23

Again for the hard of hearing......the mother's Day card/present isn't from your husband/partner. It's from your child. You husband is facilitating this when the children are too young to do it themselves. It's teaching them to show appreciation.

The same applies for birthdays and Christmas.

Comparing it to children buying parents valentine's presents is just being deliberately obtuse ( or twatish - you decide)

AvonBarksdale99 · 23/03/2020 07:28

Given some are complaining about it when the child is still in the womb I’m not sure how much it’s teaching them exactly 🤔 Or how much a one year old learns? Nice try though.

SueEllenMishke · 23/03/2020 07:35

I agree with the unborn babies - there is no need for that but each to their own. I wouldn't judge.

So when do we start appreciating each other and teaching our children it's the right thing to do? Surely it's family ethos and way of being? Not a 'we'll wait until he's 5 and understands' or until he has a job and can pay for it himself? Or even - it's the schools job to do it!!

It's just laziness and selfishness - you can dress up however you like that that's what it is.

I'm assuming you don't buy babies birthday and Christmas presents then?

Needhelp101 · 23/03/2020 07:44

What @SueEllenMishke said.

My EX husband organised flowers and a card to be given to me by my children.

Original poster
YakkityYakYakYak · 23/03/2020 09:36

Thanks everyone. Thinking of those of you who found yesterday particularly difficult for various reasons, I hope the day was not too tough.

I know DH isn’t my child (although he sometimes acts like it), but I am the mother of his child and it’s a day to celebrate mums so I was hurt to not feel acknowledged.

I have generally been feeling quite unsupported and unappreciated recently and have been finding things difficult since DD was born. He knows this so I guess I was upset he didn’t take the opportunity to show his appreciation. I’m also just feeling pretty stressed and worried about family at the moment (as I’m sure we all are) so it tipped me over the edge a bit.

I didn’t want to argue about it, it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of everything else that’s going on, so allowed myself an hour to sulk in the bath then dropped it. He did apologise later on in the day and said it’s not how he had wanted the day to go.

OP posts: