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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

completely unfair?

79 replies

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 07:18

hi all,

so I have a 16 week old baby with my partner. she is great except like most baby doesnt like to sleep when I do lol!

I stay at home with her during the week. my partner works, which is fair enough. however because he works I don't wake him up at all during the night so he is always sleeping at least 10 - 6. the only time I would like help in regards to sleep is on the weekends so I can try and catch up a bit even if it's only an extra hour or two in the mornings

except this is rarely happening. friday he went to bed just gone 9 and I then woke him at 7 (after being woken myself at 2am, 4am and then again at 5am and baby not wanting to be put down after that) and he grumbled about it. did eventually get up but "I'm going to have to go back to bed for a few hours a bit later" he then started an argument with me half an hour later so I never got any extra then anyway.

now today - similar bed time for him and similar wake up time for my baby and he just wont get up even though he knows I've been awake since 5am.

I feel like I am very fair to him with not waking him for help at all during the night but should he not have to help at all with mornings either because he works :S

that is how I'm being made to feel right now.

I actually think (although love spending time with my baby) that I would prefer sometimes to do an 8/9 hour sleep and work, then getting 6 hours very broken sleep and try look after bubs all day.

shes also a pretty bad day sleeper, it's like she knows this is the fun time so very hard to catch up when she sleeps during the day too otherwise I would take full advantage of this.

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 15/03/2020 07:25

He should do some (if not all) the weekend nights, or let you have a lie in on at least one of the days. Could you go for a nap later and leave him looking after baby?

Sicario · 15/03/2020 07:26

Generally speaking, men would rather gnaw their own arm off than help with childcare and baby-rearing.

They will make any excuse, cause distraction arguments, claim that work comes first, or moan their tits off and expect a medal if they step up for ten minutes.

You have to decide if it's worth having it out with him and causing ructions. If he still refuses to help, then you need to change your routine with baby in order to get more rest for yourself.

Babies can be shattering with their sleep habits. Can you bring baby into bed with you after the small hours feed (4am onwards) and doze off together for a while? Then maybe take a nap with baby later in the day to give yourself another couple of hours or so?

If your OH is refusing to step up by getting up, then it's up to you to make your own routine and he can lump it if he gets disturbed.

ColdCottage · 15/03/2020 07:28

I do the nights then after the circa 7am feed my husband takes the baby until she needs her next feed so I can have some sleep. Always a lay in time for me at the weekends. He did the same with my son.

Tell him to pull his weight. He is not being fair to you at all.

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 07:31

hes shit even with things like that now - might take baby for half an hour but somehow always needs to "pop" out or he gives them straight back if they are fussing always saying "baby is hungry" (i breastfeed) even when I know baby definitley isnt (has had a full feed both sides just before being given to him) because it's easier then him figuring out why baby might be fussing (wants a cuddle, diaper change, is starting to get tired etc.)

still in bed now....

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 15/03/2020 07:33

You could start making sure baby wakes him, too, in the night on weeknights, or cut back in the daytime on some stuff he'll be relying on (laundry? shopping?) to get a few hours.

Start prioritising your sleep over his convenience.

Weenurse · 15/03/2020 07:33

You should share sleep ins on weekends.
This did not happen with us , I was a shift worker who coped on less sleep, DH had mental health issues if he did not get his.
I ended up going to bed when he got home at 6pm.
He would put baby to bed a do up to midnight.
I would do from midnight.
At least this way I got 6 hours sleep and he got bonding time.

lunar1 · 15/03/2020 07:39

My husband works long hours in a job when he needs to be fully alert and was raised in a country where typical men don't do anything in the home. He did way more than your partner!

During the newborn months he would have our boys with him from after we had dinner until he went to bed or they wanted a feed so I could sleep, 8.30-11ish. He'd wake me to feed them and then put them to bed. I would then do the rest of the night. We also had one lie in each on the occasion he didn't have weekend on-calls. Mine were breastfed so he did as much as was practical.

Your partner needs to pull his socks up!

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 07:40

just woke him up then because I am really exhausted and said can we try sort the sleeping stuff out because I feel like I'm hardly getting any and "dont get shitty" was the response lol.

OP posts:

lookrain · 15/03/2020 07:48

Do. Not. Accept. It

Go and get him up. Poke him. Say flat out "I am beyond exhausted. When was the last time I had a full nights sleep? Can you tell me? Now do the decent thing and get up and support your wife and look after your own child".

Then you need to sit down with him and have a very frank conversation where your tone and manner are clear that this is not going away until he steps up. Make it clear that you need sleep, that if he doesn't pull his weight you will become unwell, and the resentment will destroy your relationship. Search through Mumsnet for the many similar posts or ones where the children are older and this selfish crap has gone on for years.

You know where I am now? In bed. I woke up earlier than hoped but DH and I take turns for a lie in. He sipped out of bed at six careful not to disturb me and right now he is getting in perfectly well looking after our two DC (5 & 2), when I emerge he will have washed, dressed and fed them, unloaded the dishwasher, fed and cleaned up the pets and tidied up all the breakfast stuff. He'll make sure I get a coffee and have a shower before the children pounce on me. This isn't a brag - I think this is normal. I did the same for him yesterday and no one would think it was noteworthy. I don't buy that most men won't help with childcare, I know plenty who pull their weight . FWIW I do know of some men who used feeding the baby as an excuse to hand it back - but you need to tell him he's a dad and its a bit sad if he can't even soothe his own baby and it's a great time to learn!

I am very serious. Sort it out now. This child will be demanding of your time and energy for many years. You need support, you need to be a team and if he gives the smallest of shits about you then he would want you not to be driven to the brink by exhaustion.

userabcname · 15/03/2020 07:48

You need to explain to him that just because you've birthed a child, you are now not magically able to live with no sleep. Point out that every night for you is disturbed whereas he gets a full night every night. He needs to pull his weight at weekends - you need at least one lie-in (my husband always gives me both) and a nap each day. It is actually easier working and sleeping, you're right. If he says it's not, point out he struggles for half an hour with the baby and you have to do that all day. There's loads more he should be doing; he's a selfish prick.

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 08:01

it bothers me that he seems rank his own sleep above mine when I'm responsible for the wellbeing of our child all day. he acts like hes done such a big thing as well and will be like "I let you have 2 hours the other weekend didnt i"

such weird terminology like hes doing me a favour looking after OUR child

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 15/03/2020 08:04

He needs to grow up

Roundtoedshoes · 15/03/2020 08:05

He’s being very selfish. Everyone needs to sleep, but 9-7 when you have a baby is not realistic. You need a decent sleep as well. Wake him up every time she wakes so he can understand what you are coping with. He’s clearly not ready to be a parent

ThankfullyAlive · 15/03/2020 08:10

My partner is like this. Thankfully my baby (nearly 16 weeks) sleeps a bit better but is awake in the night around 2 then awake around 6.30/7.

I feel like a single parent and have accepted it because I can't deal with the fallout. I really hope you get your situation sorted but I just wanted to say that you're not the only one who has a shit partner.

lookrain · 15/03/2020 08:18

Thankfully your post made me sad. You shouldn't have to accept it because of a "fallout", you deserve decency, respect and kindness. Your partner should be just that. It's still such early days, are you really going to put up with years of being a second class citizen in you're relationship? The resentment will build. If the dreaded four month sleep regression hits, please don't accept you deserve less sleep and support, you'll need it.

FallonSwift · 15/03/2020 08:22

If you are so selfish and incompetent that you cannot look after your own child and cannot see a reason why my sleep is also important, then I suggest you pack your stuff and get out now because I don't have time to pander to your nonsense.

wineandroses1 · 15/03/2020 08:23

What a selfish arse! Op do you have any family that you could stay with who will help you, as your so called partner clearly thinks it’s all your job? Maybe a few days at your parents may give you time to recharge your batteries. Then you lay down the law with him - he’s currently no use to you or your child and I’d tell him he either steps up or fucks off. I’d also go back to work ASAP so that you’re not financially dependent on him, because if he can be this selfish now, I’d be very wary of letting him be the only earner. Sorry Op, your not so dear partner is showing you who he really is.

kim1856 · 15/03/2020 08:24

I hope you are ok.

Things like this absolutely infuriate me. I have a 2 year old and was fortunate enough to have a partner who would let me sleep 10-2 every night in the early days while he looked after my Daughter and then every weekend I will have a lie in until 9 on the Saturday, and he will have his lie in on the Sunday.

I thought this was normal until all my friends had children too, and the amount of men who basically refuse to help out in the nights is absolutely disgusting. A lot of them also Swan off on holidays left, right and centre leaving the mum to do everything in the day time too.

I would seriously reconsider being with a man that was treating me this way and not realising that my own sleep and mental state is important too.

Might seem a bit OTT, but why do these men think their own time and sleep is more important than their partners?

Haven't got any helpful advice apart from really putting your foot down and hoping that things will change x

TreeTopTim · 15/03/2020 08:24

My dp works 6 days a week in a physical job yet he is very hands on with our child.

Your dp is a selfish twat who needs to step up and be a dad.

LovingLola · 15/03/2020 08:28

Make sure you don’t have another baby with him. He is shaping up to be a crap father to this baby.
What is your financial set up?

ThanosSavedMe · 15/03/2020 08:40

@Sicario I disagree. Obviously there are many men like that but not all. That’s really unfair to all the men who do their fair share and more. Who are incredibly supportive and insist on doing as much as the can.

I’m sorry to all those of you who have and had shit partners / husbands but they’re the ones who are shit. Not all men

@cherrylovex3 you definitely need to speak to him, maybe later in the day and explain that this cannot continue, he needs to take responsibility. You do not have to accept this. If you are worried about his reaction or find yourself tiptoeing around him then you need to think about the future

Hollywhiskey · 15/03/2020 08:50

It gets easier. I have two that wake in the night, I just put one either side of me in the bed and feed or cuddle them back to sleep. That way I can do it without waking up properly or getting up. It must be so hard if you get up to go to a cot or another room.

Devon1987 · 15/03/2020 08:57

He is a selfish twat. My DP did all weekends while I was on mat leave and now I'm back at work full time we share it. He needs to step up an actually be parent and decent partner. I would be having a serious conversation with him about your future because it will only get worse.

itgetsthehoseagain · 15/03/2020 08:58

My DH came in for a fair amount of abuse from Mumsnetters because his organisation is appalling, and so he forgets birthdays, my hospital appointments etc. I set the bar far too low for him, apparently. However, he worked throughout both our DC's first months, and yet we alternated our getting up in the night - night on, night off etc - and he was beyond brilliant. Your DH is being a bit cheeky, I think - but if, like mine, he excels in other areas, it might not be worth having the battle. Encourage self-settling with your baby and at some point it will be like a switch is flicked and baby will go through the night! But the self-settling is vital. Good luck!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 15/03/2020 09:02

Is FallonSwift for real?!

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