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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

completely unfair?

79 replies

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 07:18

hi all,

so I have a 16 week old baby with my partner. she is great except like most baby doesnt like to sleep when I do lol!

I stay at home with her during the week. my partner works, which is fair enough. however because he works I don't wake him up at all during the night so he is always sleeping at least 10 - 6. the only time I would like help in regards to sleep is on the weekends so I can try and catch up a bit even if it's only an extra hour or two in the mornings

except this is rarely happening. friday he went to bed just gone 9 and I then woke him at 7 (after being woken myself at 2am, 4am and then again at 5am and baby not wanting to be put down after that) and he grumbled about it. did eventually get up but "I'm going to have to go back to bed for a few hours a bit later" he then started an argument with me half an hour later so I never got any extra then anyway.

now today - similar bed time for him and similar wake up time for my baby and he just wont get up even though he knows I've been awake since 5am.

I feel like I am very fair to him with not waking him for help at all during the night but should he not have to help at all with mornings either because he works :S

that is how I'm being made to feel right now.

I actually think (although love spending time with my baby) that I would prefer sometimes to do an 8/9 hour sleep and work, then getting 6 hours very broken sleep and try look after bubs all day.

shes also a pretty bad day sleeper, it's like she knows this is the fun time so very hard to catch up when she sleeps during the day too otherwise I would take full advantage of this.

:(

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 15/03/2020 09:06

Yes I am. Re-read my post, it's a first person suggested response for the OP to use on her 'D'H.

HTH.

Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:07

I think the frustrating thing for me is the way it's implied that he doesnt have equal share in responsibility, like hes given baby back already Hmm

"baby not settling, prefers you, I'll take her back if you can get her to sleep"

even that feels like a cop out, saying bubs prefers me and again its that use of words

"I'll take her back IF you can get her to sleep"

so in other words if she has a fussy day and is a bit grizzly thats going to be on me but if shes asleep and he doesnt have to do anything then he will take her

have to admit I did just get a bit shirty and say your child too, what are you going to do when I have to go back to work and I can use that excuse too

and yes, he went abroad recently to watch a show for a week

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 15/03/2020 09:07

OK, it was not clear, I wondered if you were OPs husband.

pinkstar01 · 15/03/2020 09:11

I have a 12 week old and my husband does both of the night feeds and then gets up at 7 for work Blush
He did the same for DC1 too. He knows I have a long day with the baby at home, more physically demanding so he lets me sleep 11-6 most times. He's a keeper Star

Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:12

he doesn't particularly excel other than he does actually go to work and gives me some money every month. but this is to contribute to baby things we need such as nappies, baby clothes and such.

I do all house work (and I mean all, he barely washes a plate up after himself) which again generally I wouldnt mind if he was helping me get the blooming sleep

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2020 09:12

I suspect that this is standard behaviour for him - he slugs a like a shirker.

My DH was desperate to get home to us. He shared nighttimes all through the week without being asked and always took equal responsibility.

It sounds mine you’ve had a baby with an idiot I’m afraid.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/03/2020 09:12

What was he like before you decided to have a baby? What did you discuss prior to the arrival? Why doesn’t he want to spend time with the baby?

To address the immediate issue of your exhaustion t- give him the baby and go to bed. Then tell him not to wake you for two hours. Feed in bed. Hand back and do same for rest of the day. It’s not as good as a full night sleep but it is resting and will allow you to cope better in the week

billy1966 · 15/03/2020 09:13

OP, lots of men do their share and support their partner and their child.

Clearly you have had a child with a right selfish prick, whose priority is himself.

He's showing you exactly who he is.

Has it not been clear what he was like before this?

Best advice is sort your contraception and don't get caught again.

He's a waster and probably always will be.

Please get support from friends and family and let them all know what a selfish twat he is.

Don't protect his reputation....tell everyone what a selfish little man your child's father is.

Wishing you strength Flowers

Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:13

blimey @pinkstar01 I wouldn't expect him to do every night and both feeds then work (not saying you do and its nice he does that for you) but an extra bit on the weekends would be nice lol!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2020 09:13

Crossed with your last post.

You’d be happier alone that with this idiot.

Why people have babies with men like this I’ll never know.

Shinygreenelephant · 15/03/2020 09:14

My ex was like this. I just stopped doing anything for him - washed mine and the babys clothes and left his, made myself dinner and not him etc then when he got home I would hand the baby straight to him and go to bed for a few hrs. He improved in the end and became more hands on as she got older and interacted more and he felt more confident / less like he might break her (not that thats any excuse).

Maybe sit down and talk about it later when youre both less tired - be very firm and tell him what you've told us, and if hes not a complete arsehole he should see you're right. Or I can also vouch for (safe) cosleeping - you dont have to fully wake up to breastfeed and theres the added bonus that if she wakes you, she wakes him too!

NoSauce · 15/03/2020 09:15

OP you need to rethink things here.

He’s not going to miraculously change into even a half decent partner/father. He’s a selfish twat of a man that will always put himself first.

Leaving him is the right thing to do I’m afraid.

Ragwort · 15/03/2020 09:16

I hope to goodness those of you with useless DPs do not have another child with men like that.

Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:21

@Merryoldgoat I dont really want to go into the debate of why do women have kids with blokes like this because there is a broad amount of ways people end up in this situation

mine unfortunately talked a very good talk before and even during the pregnancy was very good. it seems to me that some guys think they've "got you" once you've had the baby and settle into dickish ways

a friend of mine was seriously abused by her partner and had 3 kids by him due to this so please be mindful when making such sweeping statements - you dont know others lives.

it is getting to the point where I'm thinking of living alone, I keep imagining being in a nice 2 bed flat just me and baby where I dont have to worry about him.

not sure if it's where I'm getting tired but I dont feel a sexual attraction particularly anymore either and can never be bothered to do anything like that. it irritates me when he trys now actually which is hardly surprising considering when I get into bed all I think about is sleep.

think it's a classic case of someone loving the idea but seriously underestimating what it is to be a parent

OP posts:
Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:23

shares things on social media all the time of baby with captions like "my world" and I'm like Hmm

OP posts:
MaybeNew · 15/03/2020 09:25

You need to give him a shock. Stop doing anything for him at all. If he queries it, say that you are too tired to cook, wash etc for him and definitely far too tired for sex as you are having to concentrate on your own needs and those if your baby just as he is prioritising his need for sleep and social life.

If you can, go and stay with family who will help.

If he has any brain cells, he should work it out.

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2020 09:28

He talked the talk you say.

What was he LIKE?

Was he fair with money? Was he kind? Was he thoughtful? Did he fully participate with the housework?

Your prior posts sound like he doesn’t.

We aren’t talking about an abusive man here, we’re talking about a lazy slacker.

SueEllenMishke · 15/03/2020 09:28

He's incredibly selfish.
He either needs to change or you need to leave. I would not want to bring a child up in a household where women are expected to work as unpaid housekeepers and the men do fuck all.
Think about the messages that sends and the type of behaviour that will be learnt.

SueEllenMishke · 15/03/2020 09:29

Oh and for a start I'd stop doing anything for him. No cooking or washing.

Darbs76 · 15/03/2020 09:33

Sounds like most men. Why not ask him to have her for a few hours in the afternoon on weekend days so you can go to bed and get a good 2-3hrs

Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:33

he was fine - for a man in a relationship with no responsibilities other than himself and me and he wasnt particularly mean. I didnt really have particular reason to worry, we got on great infact.

i know the point you are trying to push, i really do but I am not responsible for how he has turned out as a father, that is up to an individual.

I wonder how many times guys get it put on them "why did you have kids with this woman!??"

oh no wait they dont, they get praise and how wonderful it is they're a single dad bringing up the children. see it all the time

no in my case not abusive - but you wouldn't of 100 percent known that and your comments partly put blame on the woman for how the man is - like that makes a difference now anyway

and no def no more! happy with the one lol!

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 15/03/2020 09:38

If you are so selfish and incompetent that you cannot look after your own child and cannot see a reason why my sleep is also important, then I suggest you pack your stuff and get out now because I don't have time to pander to your nonsense.*
*
THIS!!

Do not put up with this. Do not worry about the fallout. It's fucking terrible behaviour and is unlikely to get any better.

Give him one last loud warning then don't waste any more time with this loser.

Your sentence about him giving you money for baby things eg nappies is also a huge red flag

Ragwort · 15/03/2020 09:40

Sounds like most men ..... it really doesn't to me, maybe I am incredibly lucky, but comments like that just help to 'normalise' selfish behaviour.

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2020 09:42

I’m not pushing the point, but every single woman I know who has a partner or husband like this (ie not abusive, just lazy and I know a lot) ignored all of the very obvious signs.

My husband is fantastic. Do you know why? Because I had an utterly miserable childhood with a downtrodden mother and extremely lazy stepfather and I swore I’d never end up like that.

But loads of women normalise lazy shorty behaviour from men so the crappy patterns just continue.

It’s unpopular but yes, I do blame women for having children with useless men when there is no abuse involved.

Original poster
cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:48

@Merryoldgoat that's not my situation. he was fine before

do you also blame men who have children with useless women? or do you see childcare as predominantly womens work?

seems you have some anger towards your mum for her allowing that situation and are projecting somewhat on to others who have found themselves in similar scenarios

OP posts:
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