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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

completely unfair?

79 replies

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 07:18

hi all,

so I have a 16 week old baby with my partner. she is great except like most baby doesnt like to sleep when I do lol!

I stay at home with her during the week. my partner works, which is fair enough. however because he works I don't wake him up at all during the night so he is always sleeping at least 10 - 6. the only time I would like help in regards to sleep is on the weekends so I can try and catch up a bit even if it's only an extra hour or two in the mornings

except this is rarely happening. friday he went to bed just gone 9 and I then woke him at 7 (after being woken myself at 2am, 4am and then again at 5am and baby not wanting to be put down after that) and he grumbled about it. did eventually get up but "I'm going to have to go back to bed for a few hours a bit later" he then started an argument with me half an hour later so I never got any extra then anyway.

now today - similar bed time for him and similar wake up time for my baby and he just wont get up even though he knows I've been awake since 5am.

I feel like I am very fair to him with not waking him for help at all during the night but should he not have to help at all with mornings either because he works :S

that is how I'm being made to feel right now.

I actually think (although love spending time with my baby) that I would prefer sometimes to do an 8/9 hour sleep and work, then getting 6 hours very broken sleep and try look after bubs all day.

shes also a pretty bad day sleeper, it's like she knows this is the fun time so very hard to catch up when she sleeps during the day too otherwise I would take full advantage of this.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 15/03/2020 09:49

You have zero to lose by getting very, very angry. Write it down if you can’t get the words out but it’s time to tell him absolutely straight that he has to change and change a lot.

I’m angry for you.

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:51

again, bit of a cop out isnt it. almost excusing the fact some fathers end up being lazy because the woman is responsible for it as surely, I mean surely, they knew this would happen.

no, doesnt matter what you were like before. I used to drink every weekend and once during the week, I used to spend my money on superficial crap like extensions and clothes on myself, used to be a smoker, you name it I did it for myself - now I've got my baby I do none of those things or make myself the center of anything.

you step the fuck up and be a parent. doesnt matter what they were like before

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:53

and all this crap about oh you cant then complain cos you must of known they'd be a terrible parent - fuck that. like I just said you change when you come a parent and you need to be. noone elses fault if someone is a shit parent - they're failure to step up noone elses

OP posts:

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 09:53

@MatildaTheCat thank you x

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2020 09:54

do you also blame men who have children with useless women? or do you see childcare as predominantly womens work?

Of course I think the same about the reverse.

seems you have some anger towards your mum for her allowing that situation and are projecting somewhat on to others who have found themselves in similar scenarios

Yes I do. It was entirely avoidable, she could’ve stopped having children with an obviously useless man.

Unfortunately I can’t talk to her about it as she dropped dead and left us with the useless twat.

LannieDuck · 15/03/2020 09:55

Do you exclusively breastfeed, or are you also expressing / bottle feeding?

I would start suggesting he does a full overnight at the weekend to give you some time to sleep, if he won't give you the lie-in you need. That way he'll start to appreciate how hard it is and how much sleep he's been getting compared to you..

This is a classic case of him having no idea what you're doing. All he sees is that you've had a baby and started complaining he's not doing enough even tho he's still doing what he's always done.

He's apparently not bright enough to work it out for himself, so he needs to be shown. Leave him with the baby a few times and go out for an hour or two - hairdressers, friends' house etc. He needs to start learning to deal.

This is why parental leave is so important - why isn't he taking any?

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 10:02

maybe your mum should of stopped having kids with him but it's not her fault he was lazy. it's his fault and some of your anger if not most of it should be at him for taking advantage of your mum who didnt feel able to leave him for whatever reason.

shit for you but seems like your mum is getting a disproportionate amount of the blame

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 15/03/2020 10:04

Those early days are hard and call for huge adjustments in relationships and priorities. He’s not being fair. He may be frightened of the baby but the best way over that is more practice.

If he needs to ‘pop’ out, he can take the baby with him. That gives you more sleep time. Tell him in advance that he’s got the baby between 8am and midday whilst you sleep undisturbed. Feed the baby well at 7am. Change the baby to make it nice and easy then pass the infant over. A nice walk push the pram will do them both good.

Sleep when the baby sleeps during the week. Nap instead of making supper. He can cook if he isn’t looking after the baby.

Then book a babysitter one evening a fortnight and go out as a couple. Be partners as well as parents. Babies survive but not all relationships do without effort and nice times.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 15/03/2020 10:05

DD was premature and for the first few weeks of her life needed feeding every 2 hours. By the time I'd got milk into her (her falling asleep during it, burping her etc etc), it was time to feed again. I'm surprised I didn't go mad through lack of sleep.

BUT, whilst I did that Mon-Fri, my DH took over every Friday and Saturday night. I used to live for those days when I knew I could put the radio static on and not have to listen out for DD. I then made sure that he could have a nap during the weekend days if needed.

Parenting is a partnership - it has to be, given you've both had a hand in bringing this little life into the world. DD always used to settle better on me than with DH (continued until she was about 3), but DH always, and I mean always, persevered. Now she's older they have a lovely relationship.

I don't know what the answer is, but sleep deprivation is absolutely awful and I hugely sympathise.

Merryoldgoat · 15/03/2020 10:25

Well we’ll agree to disagree.

You can’t change another person, only yourself. So expecting someone to improve when they have no inclination... it might not be your fault they’re lazy but it sure as hell is your fault for not leaving when you could.

I genuinely hope he’s not the twit he sounds like.

His laziness is his fault entirely but we are culpable if we ignore it and make excuses for it in my opinion.

Beefcurtains79 · 15/03/2020 10:27

Where did he go away for a week abroad to? Why on earth did you agree to that?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/03/2020 10:27

I hate the whole 'most men don't want to help with babies' thing

My husband used to take my breastfed babies for walks or drives in the middle of the night when they weren't sleeping, to give me a few hours sleep. This was when I was on mat leave and he was working. He would also get up with them in the morning so I could have a few more hours in bed. My second in particular was an awful sleeper and I literally couldn't have coped with 7 wake ups a night on my own. My dad used to do the same for me when I was a baby. As did my grandad, who in other ways was traditionally 'macho'.

But you're right, people have no real idea what kind of parent their partner is going to be, because most people don't even know what kind of parent they are going to be themselves. We never had any particular discussion around how we would split night wakings etc, it just worked out well for me.

Your husband isn't seeing you both as a partnership. Why is it fair that you're knackered and he isn't? Its accepted in most workplaces that if you've got a newborn or baby at home, you're going to be knackered. Its life. Why does he get off Scott free just because he works outside the home and meanwhile you're supposed to be grateful for a couple of hours at the weekend? Not sleeping can eventually severely affect your physical and mental health and he clearly doeant give a shit about this as long as he is fine.

He also sounds like a shit dad to be honest. Not wanting to spend any time with his child, passing her back as soon as she cries.....you get out what you put in with kids and if he is giving her back because he thinks she prefers you, it's going to become a self fulfilling prophecy, as she will grow up realising he doesnt put in any effort.

I'm not sure what the answer is as it sounds like when you try to talk to him about it instead of listening to what you're saying he is accusing you of nagging etc which is really dismissive and shows he is not prepared to look at his part in it. You could try talking to him again with 'I feel' statements such as when you don't take the baby in the morning I feel like you don't care about our welfare' but to be honest I think you'll have to give him an ultimatum of leaving him, and be prepared to follow through, and give him specific things you need from him and actually leave when he doesnt improve

tara66 · 15/03/2020 10:27

Have you not seen in all the papers this week - the new theory is to let babies cry (if nothing really wrong with them) as it gives them self discipline?!

Candyfloss99 · 15/03/2020 10:35

Go away for a weekend and leave him to it.

Nanny0gg · 15/03/2020 10:43

You said you have no real idea how someone will be as a parent, but I don't wholly believe that.

However, you do know how they are as a person. Do they do their fair share? Do they treat you well? Are they kind, thoughtful? How do they treat people they know? Complete strangers? Are they generous with money (as far as possible) or tight?

So many times on here, it's not just that they leave the child care to the woman, they leave everything to the woman.
I absolutely knew what kind of parent and partner my DH would be before we had children. And I wasn't wrong.

And considering it's 2020 and not 1950 I'm still staggered by the number of threads like this there are.

Don't put up with him. One serious talk and one chance and then do it on your own. You'll be much better off.

rwalker · 15/03/2020 10:55

I think you should put it down on paper sometimes it takes something visual to get you point across.
sound strange but write it down use different colour line for how much sleep have and him then ask him how can we even this up.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 15/03/2020 11:28

I have a newborn. My DP is not her father. Yet he'll get up during the night if needed. He sat with her from 3 to 6 one morning as she'd not settle, and only went to bed then as I got up.

Now he's back at work I won't let him do the night shift during the week, but he gets her up for a formula feed in the morning and lets me sleep.

dottiedodah · 15/03/2020 11:35

I think some men are good at hiding their true selves .Once Baby arrives its hard work ,their partners are taken up with baby ,they start to get resentful and dont help out because their job is SO important . They may be naturally selfish, but when just a couple, its easy in comparison to being a parent ! Early nights for Sex,( not lack of sleep ),lots of cosy chats /meals out and so on, and and our societies outdated ideas of Mothers "looking after baby" Yeah but not 24/7 mate! make some of them completely useless (About time for parenting classes in Schools?)Why not show him some of these responses ,together with the Calendar and point out its 2020 not 1950 FFS. He needs to get with it !

Original poster

cherrylovex3 · 15/03/2020 12:04

I just think as some have pointed out I may as well be on my own and have one less person to worry about and clear up after

might begin with that when we talk later

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 15/03/2020 12:19

I really hope you're seriously thinking about it and not just threatening him to see if he'll change.

If you mean what you're sayin to him, perhaps it might be enough to shock him and give him a wake up call but I wouldn't be going into it hoping that's the case iyswim.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP you do not deserve it at all.

You're practically doing everything by yourself now anyway, without the added stress of him to deal with, life probably would be easier with just you and baby.

Snaketime · 15/03/2020 12:26

I was going to say that you would be better off on your own OP. You are doing it all anyway, he is just creating more problems, but I see you have pretty much decided that anyway.
I remember having two tell my DH that as seen as I was living as a single parent, i might as well be one as i would get more money and more support, I was really lucky as he stepped up after that conversation and has been a fab dad ever since.

SueEllenMishke · 15/03/2020 12:40

darbs it is not most men and excusing those that like that with sweeping generalisations doesn't help the situation.

billy1966 · 15/03/2020 13:01

OP, unfortunately we do teach people how they can treat us.

Is it right?
Is it fair?
No to both.

But by tolerating it, you have allowed him to think he can get away with it.

You should read him the riot act.

Tell him he is a useless twat whom clearly cares nothing for you or his child.

Tell him to get out.

Tell family and friends EXACTLY what he's like.

Thats how you deal with useless men.

Show him and tell him, life would be better and easier with a waste of space like him around.

Mean it.

LovingLola · 15/03/2020 13:06

So what’s your financial set up ? Are you on paid maternity leave? Do you own or rent?

NearlyGranny · 15/03/2020 13:12

Go straight for the jugular and tell him exhaustion and resentment are complete passion killers.

Follow up with a reminder that the child who is 'his world' could use a cuddle and some care from DF while you sleep and recharge your batteries.

He makes sure to recharge his phone alright doesn't he?

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