Just say THANK YOU ffs

[MadameBee]

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

I’d rather have polite kids.

I have a polite child. Rather than a cowed automaton.

We are all different.

All 5 of mine say thank you for food and may I leave the table. It's called being polite. OP I feel for you.

I wouldn't be happy if I cooked and nobody said thank you.

@lazylinguist we're the most informal family you can get. We just appreciate each other.

So do we. We just don't automatically say thank you specifically for dinner every single time. We say thank you for plenty of stuff, but not always for things that are part of daily routine.

There's also some wilful misunderstanding on this thread, by people who claim to think that kids who don't necessarily say thank you for every plate of food have not been taught to say thank you at all. Or that kids are refusing to say thank you. Nope, it's just not a formal expectation for every single thing every single time!

Oh. I really wasn’t calling your kids impolite, merely stating I prefer what I assume you would call automatic manners in my own children.

If they went about being as naturally grateful as they wished they’d be extremely unlike me IMO.

*unlikeable!

There is a big difference between saying thank-you when something is passed to you at the table and formally thanking your parents for the meal at the end of it. In our house everyone has usually chipped in- cooking isn't a mother only thing.

I have a polite child. Rather than a cowed automaton.

Exactly. Or a trained parrot.

I wonder if this is a class thing? (I know that mumsnet loves a good class distinction thread)

But we are talking about teenagers that should know basic manners not an 8yo still learning

My DM never forced us to say thank you and thinking back I'm not sure where it came from but we all naturally did. More of a "ta mum" or "that was lovely" etc. I also say thank you to DP if he brings me a cup of tea up etc. I would feel rude not doing so.

I find the difference is if we didn't, or forgot to there wouldn't be a big drama about being disrespectful etc. Sounds like they are deliberately doing it which is a whole different matter.

Gosh, my life would be easier if my kids were 'cowed automatons' as you’ve so hyperbolically decided!

I am pretty hot on manners but wouldn't necessarily expect "thanks" after a meal...some appreciation is essential however, whether that's a simple enquiry about what is for tea "sounds nice" or a "looks lovely" "smells delicious" as it's dished up, it all goes a long way to making people who have made an effort feel good

I have gone to the effort of making something tasty and saved someone else the chore of cooking so to get not a single positive acknowledgement is a slap in the face and it is rude

I would always please or thank-you if anyone makes/offers or gives me a tea or coffee

Could be, tinybluerose. I suspect that suggestion will be unpopular though!

I don't expect thanks but it's nice to have.
If one person at the table says thank you , then everyone follows.
If your step children are deliberately ignoring that social cue then they are doing it to make a point and that means there are wider issues that need addressing.

I genuinely think coerced thanks make children less grateful.

Sorry to be snippy @ThursdayLastWeek I get really peeved about people implying DD's manners aren't up to snuff. She has ADHD and I work extremely hard on her manners. But oppositional forcing doesn't work with her and was suggested repeatedly by everyone through her earlier years. Now she HAS god manners in spite of my never forcing her no one has apologised for their comments. Oddly. Bad manners on their part.

Fuck that, OP! Your DH can get them McDonalds or whatever on the way and explain to them why he is doing so.
They know what they are doing and it's hurtful. Cooking is a caring act and you are not their mother. My unruly teenager and adolescent always thank me or exclaim how love;y it is when I've made them something nice.
Emotionally, you need to step away and let their father deal, stop making yourself available to them. Teenagers need to develop empathy and carrying on as normal without looking after yourself emotionally is not going to help that process.
I think you e had an unfair bashing on here.

No probs MrsTerryPratchett.

My children are still young and are still learning, they still need guidance IMO

You do know they think they are winning by not say thank you.
So take their game away.
Stop expecting it.
But maybe get their dad a nice gift, for pudding, and get him to thank you, then let them watch him eat it.

Sadly OP if you said it was your own DC then everyone would be on your side but sadly you're the evil step mum so we get no sympathy.

I also would expect a thank you. It's basic common manners.

I'd speak with your DH and explain he needs to be stricter with them. Especially if they're aware of what they're doing and smirking.

I’ve always thanked my mum or anybody when they have cooked for me, it’s not bowing and scraping it’s good manners, they dish up and you say thank you when your food is placed on the table or you collect it yourself from the kitchen, is that not normal?
My dc has learning difficulties, is non verbal and signs thank you when I place his dinner in front of him!

Absolutely agree with you OP. I said ‘thanks mum / dad’ at the end of every meal as a kid and say thank you to whoever cooks for me now. Always. It’s basic manners. As the PP said, it was drilled into me at home in order that it became a reflex - serves one well in the wider world.

I always thank anyone who has provided me with food/a meal - why wouldn't you?

You cooked dinner. They're kids. That's what adults do. I have never thanked someone for cooking. I've given compliments about the food, but Jesus, who the hell thanks the 'chef' for every meal. Is it an American thing?

But maybe get their dad a nice gift, for pudding, and get him to thank you, then let them watch him eat it.

Are you two?