Just say THANK YOU ffs

[MadameBee]

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

My family say Thank You when the food is put in front of them (because I'm giving them something and that's when you say Thank You) and they say Thank You afterwards because I've stood and cooked them a meal.

We do the same to DH when he cooks or to them if they cook.

What's the hardship in showing appreciation? Why is it such a chore?

I am horrible and pathetic

Don't be ridiculous.

As my mother used to say 'Manners cost nothing'

All of you who say you would never expect it - was it expected of you?

I understand the argument from other posters that the “thanks” may be insincere. But realistically if you think they’re being nasty towards you, your husband needs to have a word.

I’m in my early 20s, at 15 I would have been happy to sort myself out for dinner on some days. Maybe he can get them to make themselves some basic pasta or something if they’re fussy about what you cook or are purposely smirking and being rude etc.

I always thank my mum if we go to DP's for lunch, as does DH. DH also says thanks for cooking when he clears the plates, I would hope DS will when he's older. I don't think YABU at all op. It's just manners.

My family always say thanks to whoever made a good meal. It'ds not an enforcement, it's an appreciation of the effort someone went to to make something nice.

Beans on toast, not so much, but dinners with effort? Always. Especially since they've been old enough to prepare food themselves, that (and DH and I) say thank you to the one doing the cooking.

I can't believe how many people don't expect a thank you after cooking dinner! We always thanked my mum and still do. It's really, REALLY basic manners IMO.

I would be very annoyed too OP as their rudeness seems to be deliberate, what with the smirking etc. Their dad is going to have to keep trying to drill it in to them but I imagine if they haven't grasped basic "thank yous" at their age it's probably a lost cause...

Yes, nice for children to say thank you. Your DSC don't say it naturally, perhaps better for all if you lower your expectations in this area. My DSC used to always say thank you if they’d really enjoyed something. It was charming because they didn’t feel they HAD to thank me. She generally did though. My DC say thank you when I put meals on the table. The end of the meal is reserved for “just eat 3 more bits of pasta!” Etc

I think you were a bit harsh to the person with a similar username. She was pretty friendly with you and you were slightly acerbic in return.

I disagree that teaching children to say thank you for their meal is a pointless exercise. It teaches them to think about another person’s effort, and not to take that for granted. Sometimes that has to be taught, because we don’t always naturally think about it. There are a lot of things my parents taught me to appreciate, and I’m glad that they did. I remember my dad teaching me to say thank you when being served in a restaurant, and always do this. I have lovely friends who never say thank you to staff in a restaurant. It comes across as rude, yet I know they are just oblivious. I don’t want my kids to grow up being the rude ones, unintended or not.

Anyway, the fact that OP’s DSDs were smirking says it all

Oh and just because I think the op is being u, doesn't mean we don't say thank you for meals because we do.
The way you've spoken to other posters and the way you speak about your step children makes you v u.

It's usually just DH and I these days and he always thanks me for dinner. When DS still lived at home he would thank me too, usually with compliments.
When DS cooked we'd both thank him. DH made a cooked breakfast this morning for which i was very grateful (feeling a bit below par) and said so.
It's just normal politeness to show your appreciation to the cook for their efforts.

Some odd posters on this thread 😳
It’s basic toddler level manners to say thank you. Your DsDs sound sullen and snarky. I can see why you’re pissed off!

Yanbu. It's basic courtesy.

I'm pretty certain that my kids said/ say thank you when I pass them their plate or a serving dish, and they made/make lots of complimentary sounds and may well say thank you at occasional points during or at the end of the meal. I can't say exactly what they do, because I never 'trained' them with a meaningless end of a meal phrase.

You seem to have a routine in your family where everyone has to say thank you at a particular point in the meal, OP. The DSDs didn't grow up with that, and so they feel self conscious and embarrassed at having to go through the motions of something that feels unnatural to them.

I felt a bit that way when I first joined my in-law family. They said grace before a meal, which I'd never dealt with before. Fortunately I was an adult and managed to hide my awkwardness. Your DSDs haven't learned to do that yet.

'Smirking' is such a loaded and pejorative term. That face teenagers do is normally embarrassment, it just gets interpreted as smirking by people that don't like them or empathise.

It sounds like thanking isn't the norm in many homes for this. It isn't in mine. DD (9) will often say, "this is delicious, thanks Mum" halfway through but it's not expected and never forced. Same if I make something she loves that I don't.

If it's not the norm in their mum's house, or their family house before the split, now it's embarrassing. Not mean, or unkind, or deliberate, just embarrassing.

Thing is, I don’t actually have to do it anyway as my own DS is not often here so I could just make myself some cheese on toast and fuck everyone else. So you don't feel you should have to feed them or treat them in the same way as your DS but you expect the same thanks in return?

If they won’t say thank you then don’t cook for them. They aren’t your kids and it’s not your responsibility to take care of them - it’s your partner’s

I said thanks to my mum and dad every night for cooking my dinner. They’re old enough to do it themselves so they should be thanking you

YANBU

My kids don’t get their food if they don’t say thank you when we bring it in.

My kids don’t get their food if they don’t say thank you when we bring it in.

I'd rather have the heartfelt thanks less frequently than the coerced ones every time.

I always say thanks to my husband if he cooks, and vice versa. Our teenagers often do. I always say thank you for the jobs that the others in the house do too, the kids doing the dishwasher, or laying the table or my husband doing the washing up. I even thank my Google Assistant

Even if it's a habit it isn't thoughtless, it recognises that it's not one person's job to do these things and that housework and cooking are jobs we do to help each other out and they are an effort.

Funny how it's things that were (are) traditionally women's work that aren't worth a thank you.

If someone has cooked a meal for you, no matter if it’s a parent or not, everyone should say thank you. Even teens.

Are all the people expecting ritual thanks handing plates full of food to people?

Maybe that's the divide?

I don't hand my children ready served plates; someone lays the table while I cook, I put the food in the middle and we all help ourselves and have a conversation.

Nobody washes up either - everyone puts their own things in the dishwasher and automatically clears a servong dish or sauces.

Its natural to thank fairly meaninglessly if someone hands you something, but thats not thanking for cooking, its a reflex on being passed an item.

Not everyone hands out ready filled plates.

My kids and dh thank me sometimes as part of saying they particularly enjoyed the meal, and its spontaneous and genuine. Having a ritual set of comments to make like the poster who always says the food is "yummy" at a set point is devoid of all meaning and removes the pleasure of genuine positive feedback and thanks.

My kids unpack the dishwasher on a rota and are not thanked for that and don't expect to be, but occasionally dh or I do it for them (or they swap among themselves) for some reason and they thank us for that.

It strikes me that lots of people who demand ritualised/ scripted type of performance of manners are actually quite rude in unscripted situations.

Of course you should say thank you to whoever has cooked your dinner (e.g. “thanks for cooking tea, mum” or “this is lovely, thank you”) - where are everyone’s basic manners?!

I’d rather have polite kids.
We’re all different.

my 2.5 y o thanks whoever's cooked the meal it's common curtesy!

If someone - whoever it maybe - has taken the time and effort to cook for you the least you do is thank them. good manners