Just say THANK YOU ffs

[MadameBee]

I need a rant.

I have two DSDs 15 and 13. I have been around for 10 years (was not OW). Have fairly good relationship with them.

I have two grown up kids who have left home and one about to go to Uni.

DSDs always have to be reminded to say please and thank you, which irritates me.

Worse is that that I put a lot of thought and effort into coking a nice meal (even if I didn’t and I just cooked a frozen pizza this would piss me off).

They refuse today thank you.

Everyone else, at the end of the meal says “thank you” and they sit there looking down in fucking silence, smirking, then DH tells them and it’s just shit and embarrassing and awkward.

WHY?!

saraclara posted exactly what I wanted to say. A chorus of compulsory thank yous is utterly meaningless and a little ridiculous. Its exactly the same as forcing children or teens to apologise when theyre genuinely not sorry and believe themselves to have done nothing wrong or in fact to be the inhurwd party. It achieves absolutely nothing, teaches nothing, and is purely and simply a power play, nothing else.

Genuine thanks offered spontaneously and generously are lovely, an obligation to thank your parent for feeding you when you are a dependant. minor is something far less pleasant.

DH always says thank you after eating anything I’ve made. As does DS, just picking up from DH. And I do the same if DH or DS has cooked.

I’m not sure if I did as a child, but I do think it is good modelling from DH.

I’d tell your h to pick up some food for the family on his 5 hour round trip, ideally with them in tow... perhaps then they would understand that you DO make an effort for them that they don’t seem to appreciate...

Injured not inhurwd

I was going to say YANBU but the way you have spoken to people on here I think you're very rude yourself.

I think it’s just basic manners, same as you would if anyone did anything for you.

My dd and dh thank me after I've cooked a meal and I thank dh when he cooks. Perhaps we're weird. And we thank each other when we make each other drinks. I'd do it if a friend made me a meal so why not family?

But someone taking the time to cook for you should be appreciated and the Thank you at 13 and 15 should be genuine.

My kids and husband always say ‘thank you for tea’ if I’ve cooked, it’s just normal.

I feel a bit sad for people whose families can't summon up a "thanks mum" for dinner. I'm totally with you OP- and I speak as a mum and step mum. It's just manners.

I always say thank you to my DP when he cooks dinner, he does the same with me.

I am horrible and pathetic ..

Do people generally thank each other at the end of meals? DD does if I give her a plate of food in the living room (treat) but not at dinner. I think if I dishes up and served people it might be more natural but not if people are serving themselves.

Yes. I say thank you to whoever gives me a plate, be it my mum, my dh (for cooking it) or serving staff in a restaurant etc (for giving it to me).

YANBU.

Ours are 17 and 21 and without fail, say thank you for every single thing that is cooked for them. They will also say, 'that was lovely' or whatever after they have eaten. And when they cook, we say thank you.

Really basic manners. Some parents are rubbish at teaching this.

I’ve always thanked my mum for every meal she’s worked hard and fed me I’m grateful. If people can thank god for food you can thank the chef.

DH always says thank you to me ;for cooking too. And to his mum. I suppose its just how you were brought up innit as opposed to being dragged up.

I always say thanks at the start say it’s yummmy in the middle and do the dishes at the end.

We always thank whoever cooks, makes a packed lunch, snack or even a coffee, it’s not meaningless, it’s manners. Our DGC say thank you too.

Going by the posts on here many children don’t so might feel it unusual, but you would think after 10 years they would have got used to it. Are they generally well mannered?

I do agree with the pp who said choose your battles though.

In my family it wasn’t the norm to thank whoever made dinner - everything was very friendly, we said please and thank you when people passed us plates or condiments, but we didn’t say grace or anything, and there wasn’t a heartfelt expression of gratitude at the end of the meal. If my dad gone on to marry someone who insisted on my thanking them every mealtime, when I had never asked to be in their house in the first place, let alone eat their food, and I was a teenager and irritated by everything anyway, I might also sit there saying nothing and enjoy watching them implode with rage and resentment. I mean, it’s an easy win.

My dd usually thanks me for the food. I didn’t really teach her. She has lots of play dates with friends and I have instilled in her to thank her friends’ parents. She also sees her friends thanking me and worked out it would be nice to thank me. Otoh, I never thanked my mother. But I wasn’t really taught very much by her tbh. It just never occurred to me to thank her until I was an adult.

All that to say it sounds as though they don’t do gratitude in their mother’s house. Perhaps the smirking is awkwardness and cognitive dissonance. They don’t thank their mother, so why would they thank you. Therefore if you do get your dh to address this, I’d get him to go at it from the angle of thanking their mum or you so as it’s not seen as them thinking they have to do it because you’ve decided they’re guests rather than live there iyswim.

Without fail my children say thank you for my dinner at each lunch and teak and when they they were small they'd say please may I get down as well. It is not too much to ask.

Are you this - angry - is all aspects of your life, OP? You'll give yourself a heart attack!

My children always said thank you at the end of a meal no matter who cooked for them. My DGC say thank you as does my DH. Why wouldnt you say thank you. To many parents allow their children to be rude and ill mannered.

so do some of you not expect please and thank you when you give your kids something, on the grounds that it is meaningless and routine and not heartfelt and genuine?

Because, in the real world, an awful lot of people really value basic good manners and not having them will adversely affect your child’s life chances. Thinking of a friend of mine who had a new young junior who was fairly mediocre at his job. Her attitude to him was very much hardened because he never ever said please or thank you. She had him down as arrogant and rude when he possibly simply hadn’t been brought up to observe the niceties.