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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting wife to do more

349 replies

Shroppfly · 14/03/2020 12:06

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/03/2020 16:10

She's not lazy

If this OP was by a woman about her husband, would you still say "he's not lazy"?

Robin233 · 14/03/2020 16:12

Though we both work full time dh works much longer hours and sat morning at the moment.
He's very hands on but now the kids have all flown the nest I do all few house hold stuff.

We do shop together and dh will hoover but if he didn't get some down time it would not do him any good.

Op you need to relax at the weekends or you will become ill. And your dw needs to step up to the mark.

If this is real as op still hasn't said what she does in her spare time.

Sackofspuds · 14/03/2020 16:16

Just get a cleaner.

BeijingBikini · 14/03/2020 16:17

*“Your wife is disgusting and lazy.”

What a vile comment to make about a woman you only know about because you’ve read her husband’s version of events. I suspect that there is more to this but let’s all assume he is 100% right and she’s ‘disgusting and lazy’...hmm*

But all the comments about husbands on here like "he is an abusive fuckwit" are fine?

probablysue · 14/03/2020 16:18

I’m not massively house proud but this morning I’ve stuck the hoover round, put washing on, put the bins out, cleaned the kitchen and later I’ll clean the toilet and do some ironing. All in all it’s taken about an hour. If your wife isn’t at least doing this on a Saturday morning then you need a few words. It’s a bit crap if you’re working full time and she’s a SAHM

Hoggleludo · 14/03/2020 16:19

This was happening in our house. I'm not well. Been in and out of hospital for the last year.

We got w cleaner. She comes 4 hrs a week. Not kidding. But she's amazing. She's changed everything.

LilQueenie · 14/03/2020 16:21

I wouldn't want a cleaner either to be honest. I feel like its an invasion of privacy even though its not. Just having someone do stuff with my items. I dunno. I'm kind of a private person.

Does your wife do any home study as part of her course?

Jux · 14/03/2020 16:23

Doing my BSc I ate and slept it. If she wants to stand out and get a good job after, then she needs to study more, as she is only doing it pt and is therefore not often around everyone else who is eating and sleeping it.

ime one of the things about being at Uni is that your are surrounded by people who are into the same thing as you so you can talk about your subject as much as you need to.

Doing it pt, with constant interruption to your thoughts via husband, children and other domestic duties is the worst possible way to do it,s o when you get the chance to study uninterrupted you really do need to use it.

SinkGirl · 14/03/2020 16:30

If she’s just lazy, surely she’d be happily agreeing to a cleaner? There’s more to this I’m sure.

SunshineAvenue · 14/03/2020 16:35

What jobs (other than ironing) are you doing on a Saturday morning?

Dusting, hoovering, mopping floors, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, general tidying, emptying bins, food shopping? If all of this then you YANBU. If you're running the Hoover round and doing the ironing then YABU because someone's taking care of the rest.

Hopoindown31 · 14/03/2020 16:42

@Tessabelle74

A masters is a masters, it's a certain standard and as such the work load is roughly the same regardless of subject

Yeah, that is just wrong and also doesn't track to undergraduate degrees either. Many types of masters one would do part time while working are likely to be similar as they are designed to fold around a full-time job (such as an MBA or master's in project management) but you can't just make that a blanket statement about all subjects. During my undergraduate studies I was averaging about 30 hours of labs and lectures with 2-3 hours a day study on top of that. Any masters in my area would be very different to an MBA for example.

Eckhart · 14/03/2020 16:46

And no one knows what is really going on for the OP’s wife, or the reality of the situation

If this were gender-reversed, nobody would be saying 'Oh, but we haven't heard from OP's husband..'

He'd just be lampooned.

Does she have form for blanking your feelings and disrespecting your time, OP? You're telling her this problem is stressing you and she's shutting you down. That's not a healthy dynamic.

Dozer · 14/03/2020 16:49

Insist on a cleaner.

Nanalisa60 · 14/03/2020 16:49

I think the reason she might not want a cleaner is because she knows the house is just so unorganised, and maybe mortified about the state of it.

So I would look up a Professional declutterer and organiser in your area. They should be able to sort and organise your house so there is a place for everything and everything in its place.

Then once it’s all in order then you can get in a cleaner once a week.

Just but the words declutter and organiser and were you live in the search engine and you should be able to find someone to get the house in order.

Sometimes family’s just need a bit of help, and this is what a organiser will do.

RB68 · 14/03/2020 16:50

its not 3 days to herself though is it. The kids are out of the house 9 till 3.30 and she is "on call" for all school and nursery stuff. Who is doing all the household paperwork - insurances, car MOT and services, shopping, washing and drying and daily clean ups after food. You get in from school on the am and you have breakfast to clean up after before starting everything.

If all you are doing is a sat blitz on tidy and clean then you are getting away lightly - student has homework to do etc. If you need things ironing like shirts send them out, leave everything else - likelihood it doesn't need doing - I haven't ironed for 15 yrs bar the odd shirt when required.

Your blitz takes you how long - normal house clean through is 3 hrs.

Look at what else she is doing stripping beds and washing, towels, kids clothes, kids activities after school, cooking and clean up after dinner, breakfast and getting kids to school. I suspect she thinks your 3 hour contribution is about right

Elmoliveshere · 14/03/2020 16:50

Get a cleaner

Coyoacan · 14/03/2020 16:52

Sounds like your wife does a lot, but I don't understand why she doesn't want a cleaner

whatashower · 14/03/2020 16:55

OP you sound the least 'jerk' ever. I was in a similar situation where the state of the house was breaking me, plus coming home late from work to no dinner and no sign of any domestic activity despite my dh being home. There were reasons and we got through it but I will never understand why I didnt just go ahead and get a cleaner, which is absolutely my advice to you.

Obviously you both need to address why this is so difficult to discuss and sort out any bigger underlying issues, but you will be in a better place to do so if you are not stressed out by all the crap and current resentment.

Pebbles574 · 14/03/2020 16:58

At 6 and 3, your kids have only just got to the point where they stop needing you EVERY minute of the day. Was the 3 year old at home with your wife until very recently. If so, then I expect she is just enjoying having a tiny bit of breathing space again after being a full time mum at home?
Housework is drudgery - repetitive and boring - and will fill the time available if you let it. With school runs, laundry, dinner and her coursework, maybe it just isn't a priority to spend her remaining hours on more cleaning, if she doesn't see the need?

Everyone has different minimum standards about different things. I can't abide leaving dirty dishes in a sink overnight, but it doesn't bother DH. Meanwhile he is obsessed with having a clean car, but I think "why bother?"

Just sounds like you have different standards.
Get a cleaner though.

MagnoliaJustice · 14/03/2020 17:12

Just get a cleaner and free up your weekends so you can spend some family time together with your wife and children. Maybe you need to reconnect as a couple and deal with your domestic issues as a team.

LH1987 · 14/03/2020 17:13

Maybe getting a cleaner makes her feel a bit of a failure as a Mom, could you try to put her mind at rest that you appreciate she is doing a degree now and that is making her busy but you just want to support her by getting a cleaner. I think people need to appreciate that if you have been out of education for a while it is difficult to go back and she may be struggling with that a bit. Even a once a week cleaner would make a big difference and they could come on her Uni days so she doesn't need to see them.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 14/03/2020 17:24

You get in from school on the am and you have breakfast to clean up after before starting everything. Why do posters insist on making mountains out of molehills when it comes to housework? It takes about 5 minutes to wash up after breakfast! And she isn't "starting everything" cos she isn't doing any housework. The school day is usually 7hrs. So she probs has 5hrs minimum to herself with no husband or kids in the house. I bet the OP doesn't get that!

Pinkyxx · 14/03/2020 17:38

You are not being unreasonable.. She sounds lazy and unreasonable - I mean why veto a cleaner??

I'm divorced now, however when married I worked full time longer hours than my ex albeit he also had a full time job but more a clock out on the dot type, he did nothing in the house. I cooked, cleaned, managed all the bills, cared for our child etc. My entire weekend was spent cleaning, ironing his shirts, washing, cooking, tidying, going to the dump, food shopping etc. I was exhausted. I'd have bitten his hand off for a cleaner lol.

I accept everyone has a different view of what a pigsty is but its YOUR home too... Tell her you won't live in a way that feels like a pig to you and get a cleaner.

RB68 · 14/03/2020 17:39

it doesn't say she isn't doing anything just that its not to his standard - with two kids I imagine with studing that is needed outside of the course that there is plenty of other stuff to keep her busy. 6 and 3 are difficult to get out the door they both still need help so its not like you can do the dishwasher whilst they get their coats and bags is it. It doesn't matter if it takes 5 minutes (err time yourself) or 30 with a wipe round and put away of things out, putting washing or drying on and getting a cuppa to sit down and do some work for class or go and get the shopping or talk to a parent home alone or sort thir issues - its amazing when people thing you are a SAHM with nothing lse on what you get lumbered with by family an friends

WaterOffADucksCrack · 14/03/2020 17:42

its not like you can do the dishwasher whilst they get their coats and bags is it. why not? My 5 and 3yo dress themselves and get their bags and can zip their costs up. Shows are velcro so no laces. Main thing I do is wash their faces and brush their teeth to ensure it's done properly.