Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

What is disgusting is the full bin bag worth of rubbish, left lying around, that the op needs to pick up on a Sat morning, before he can begin to clean.

Has his wife suddenly forgotten what a bin is for?

So that is disgusting and lazy. That is not an insult but a fact, made on the information given.

What is she doing whilst you spend the morning cleaning?

@Xenia everyone has heard about your earnings by now....don't let that stop you posting it on every thread tho 😂

I'd call leaving a baby at 2 weeks of age being a shit mother. That's just me.
Different strokes for different folks--the baby has a father who, by the stands of it, is the primary caregiver. Judge less.

"I'd love to hear her side"

@rebecca102 - will you say that if the genders were reversed ?
Or is that just because it's a man posting about his wife.

I don't understand why she won't have a cleaner.

Is it because she leaves the place in such a shit tip that she would be embarrassed if a cleaner came?

People do have different standards of cleanliness but leaving so much rubbish around all week that it fills a bin bag is extremely messy and I would hate having to live like that.
I think you should tell her that having a cleaner is non-negotiable and just go ahead and hire one. They can come on a day when she is at college if she doesn't want to have to deal with them herself.

I wouldn't be expecting her to do all of the cleaning work as she is studying and she will need to do work on her days off BUT some people manage full time jobs and part time study and a family so I do think she could be doing more.

I think it's time to sit down and have a serious conversation with her as it can't go on lie this.

I'd call leaving a baby at 2 weeks of age being a shit mother. That's just me.

I'd call people who say judgemental shit like this bitchy bastards who should go back into their judgemental cave. That's just me.

Get a cleaner. You don’t need her permission. If she doesn’t want to do it then that’s what has to happen. Tell her it’s tough. Don’t blame you for not wanting to do it at the weekend.

She sounds bone idle.

I'm rubbish at housework, I really struggle with it but I sort out a room a day / have a one in one out system so clutter doesn't build up and clean as I go so the house whilst it might not always be immaculate is presentable.

If you're working to support the family and supporting her education so she can do something with her life in the future then she should be supporting you too and pulling her weight where she can.

I don't think she's lazy actually. Housework just doesn't appear high on her list of priorities and she's OK with things being in a bit of a mess. You obviously love your wife so I wouldn't sweat the small stuff tbh and I'd accept the way she is but just insist on a cleaner and say it's because you no longer want to do it. If she won't accept a cleaner then I'd like one please 😊😊😊

Think in terms of interests. Lay them all out together and find something that works for both of you.

Your interests are in keeping the house to a higher standard than your wife prefers, in having basic tidiness every day, and in not using your Saturday mornings to blitz the house.

Your wife's interests are in saving money (I presume? not sure why she doesn't want a house cleaner) and in not using her time for cleaning beyond what she thinks is necessary.

The tough thing is that you two don't have the same standard of cleaning. It's not a man vs. woman issue; a woman could just as easily be in your position. More often, I think, they are. Your wife needs to be willing to sit down with you and talk about a standard you can agree on. You would give up some of the things that you prefer to have done, but can live without, and she would agree to participate in a system in which the remaining, agreed-upon things were done.

Then, you two need to come up with a system in which you have about the same amount of free time, preferably when you each prefer to have it. She may be having her free time on her weekday(s) off, and if so, then yes, you deserve some free weekend time. However, if you've agreed that her studies are something your family is going to support, she may be using her weekday time for writing papers and preparing for tests. I presume she is also actually in class for some of this time, and it may be that she is using the remainder for laundry and preliminary dinner prep, so she can concentrate on the kids after they get home.

If there is truly no weekday time left, you'll have to split it on the weekend, or, as you suggest, hire someone. I don't think she's reasonable to say "no" to both, but do seek compromise. Often, couples can fall into a rhythm in which the one who prefers doing things with the kids, does that while the other cleans. You can split it 50/50 if neither of you prefers cleaning.

In addition to this, would she agree to a monthly deep clean by a hired person if you "found" the money somewhere -- getting rid of a similar expense somewhere else?

She does need to be doing some basic straightening up while she is the only adult home, just as you do when you are home. Some people have a lot of trouble keeping on top of kids' mess, and teaching the kids to clean up after themselves should be a shared priority. It's not easy, and she may need a lot of support and shared planning.

Posts like this make me so glad I'm not married.

I'm always tidying, the house is still always a mess, but at least there's nobody insinuating that that mess is MY fault and also MY responsiblity.

Awful.

It's not just me really...In the spirit of honesty, I think we should all realise here that society will consider you a very poor mother if you leave your baby at 2 weeks old. Even if you leave them with their father. And in my view, that view is correct. Xenia thinks she's some kind of exceptional creature, in actuality, she's an aberration.

I find this thread very unpleasant.
If I was the op and it was about my dh - I’d ask for it to be deleted.

OP I've not read all the comments so I am basically going on your opening post. I think counselling could help you both and then, if necessary, a cleaner.

Hope you work things out.

society will consider you a very poor mother if you leave your baby at 2 weeks old.

Nope.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable op. I am a sahm, my husband is a director and works long hours. I have a pre school not in nursery, dogs and a school aged child. I aim to get everything done by the weekend including the gardening. I see it as my full time job and I am busy. I try to do as much life admin for dh as well. He is very hands on at home. With a big house, kids and pets there is so much to do and it is important to have family time at the weekends without mountains of stuff to do.

And it’s not leaving your baby. It’s returning to work.

Leaving your baby is putting it on someone’s doorstep and never seeing it again.

I think the reason she doesn't want a cleaner is because it will show you with how little effort and time it would take to clean the house.

I used to work 2 1/2 days but Ds's nursery only did full days so on the half day he went to nursery and before I went into work, I cleaned the house top to bottom. It is very easy to do if you have no children at home.

The Organised Mum Method shows you if you just keep on top of it you don't end up having to do hours of cleaning on the weekend.

Get a cleaner.
Use an ironing service.
Get rid of the dogs in order to save the work they create.
Learn how you & your wife can become a team.

I would do the washing for a week or two OP - it is endless nowadays imv, where everyone wears everything once and then there's towels, bedding. The ironings not so bad. I doubt you realise what a bind it is.
My advice would be to have one clean room so lounge probably. No toys stored here, no dogs, or if they are in there they have beds at one corner.
Then there is somewhere to relax.

Hmm daily jobs

Make bed - dh does it when I'm in shower
Empty dishy - me
Laundry - me (daily)
Bins (DH) when necessary - all rubbish goes in bins.
Squirt of bleach in bog - whoever is using that bog
Wipe round basin and rub over taps - all - every time
Same in kitchen
Shopping and cooking -me
Load dishy - me but empties go in there immediately so all responsible for mugs etc
Paying bills - DH
All other hoysehold admin - me
Organising tradesmen - me

My jobs take about 45 mins to an hour a day. When DC were little, probably 2 5 to 3 hrs but I worked less then.
Cushions and curtains (me)

Cleaning and ironing - the cleaner
Fortunately we are both tidy.

DH leaves house at 7.05am, back between 8pm and 9pm
I leave house at 7.30am, back between 7pm and 8pm usually.
Our contributions equal out. If DH was home by 5pm and I worked harder I'd expect him to pick up the jobs.

I''m with the posters saying that you need to have a deeper discussion with her about the cleaner - tell her that either she lets a cleaner come, or she does more herself.

If she's embarrassed to have a cleaner come to the house, then she needs to sort it herself. Yes she needs study time but she has got time to do more, in all honesty. She shouldn't be leaving it all to you to do at the weekend.

She's not lazy but it's really difficult when two people have very different views of what's an acceptable way to live. My DH comes from a family who don't have particularly high standards around the home and so he really doesn't notice or care very much if the house is in a mess. Whereas I'm quite fussy. However we have always had a cleaner right from day 1 when we moved in together so, bar the odd dispute, it's never really been an issue. To be fair, my DH also tries very hard to tidy up now too. Can you not insist on getting a cleaner? It seems like a no-brainer and I can't imagine why your dw would be so anti this.

really...In the spirit of honesty, I think we should all realise here that society will consider you a very poor mother if you leave your baby at 2 weeks old.

And you are not helping. Why couldn't mother leave a baby with the other parent?