Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

Just get a cleaner once a week. Frees up your time and prevents you being stressed.

Just tell her you’re getting w cleaner. She can’t refuse to have one and refuse to do the work and basically ensure you have to do it. If you’re willing to get a cleaner and can afford it, then get one. She’s not the boss. Relationships are supposed to be equal

My OH was a bit obsessional about cleanliness/tidiness - my filth threshold was far higher than his. So he just got on with it.

I have 2 under 3, at home full time & I clean/tidy every day, you have to - to keep on top of it. Weekends when DH is here is for the big jobs like sorting cupboards, etc.

She has 3 friggin days a week!! What is she doing just sitting on her arse? Then happy for you to do it all on a Saturday after being at work all week? Unbelievable!

Get a cleaner. She’s not the one actually doing the cleaning so why is it her choice?

What are the 3 year olds actual nursery hours and is the nursery attached to the school?

I know some mums with a nursery and school child and it can be a hectic day! Ie take both out for about 9am start then go home for 2 hours before having to go back at 11.45 to collect youngest from nursery, take them home and give them lunch before entertaining then before school run at 3 then keeping them occupied while making dinner.

Unless the dcs are naturally quiet or have a lot of screen time not much serious housework is going to get done in that day.

Does she have a car because that will make a big difference. If she has to walk everywhere and can’t stock up regular tasks like shopping become very time consuming.

it doesn't say she isn't doing anything just that its not to his standard
I don't think below should be anyone's standard.
By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

yeah shes lazy.

i never have child free times (single mum), bu weirdly my house is clean and tidy! it is possible!

3 child free days and my house would be a show home!!

You get in from school on the am and you have breakfast to clean up after before starting everything.

For those of use who head to work after school drop off we manage to tidy the breakfast things before leaving for the school run. It’s not laborious! And certainly no reason not to do a big of basic house maintenance during the 3 hours DC is at nursery.

This thread is making me laugh so much.

I'm not sure it's as simple as getting a cleaner.

The OP says he's spending a couple of hours just tidying the place before he can start cleaning.

That's going to need doing before a cleaner comes in - most cleaners won't expect to have to tidy your house before they can clean it (nor will most put up with it).

She's got plenty of time and tbh I think it's pretty selfish to let the house get into a state during the week irrespective of the cleaning.

Just keeping things tidy as you go along isn't hard. She just sounds lazy.

It would drive me mad. I'm not a total neat freak but I can't relax if the house is a state.

OP I think you need to sit down and talk about it. You need to explain how miserable this is making you and don't let her shut you down.

It's ridiculous you're out all week only to spend a quarter or more of your weekend tidying/cleaning.

Tell her you're going to hire a cleaner. If she doesn't want to clean then she's unreasonable to make that mean you have to live in an untidy and unclean house.

Explain that means the house needs to be tidy before the cleaner comes and she needs to respect that (and hopefully having someone else in the house might make her pull her finger out and keep it presentable).

You're being more than reasonable regarding your contribution to the household as is and she needs to start lifting her share of the load and as lovely as I'm sure she may be in other respects she's taking the piss on this issue.

YANBU it's not fair on you. That would drive me insane. Presumably you're paying for youngest to go to nursery and she gets three days at home with no children. She should keep on top of daily cleaning so the Saturday morning blitz doesn't take so long. She's being lazy.

Lazy my arse - lazy people don't sign up to fit a part-time degree around full-time child rearing. This degree is going to cost her over half a decade. Believe me I know some lazy women, I'm related to one, and she wouldn't expend the energy to advance herself if it took a half an hour.

OP, your wife is not being unreasonable by being overwhelmed, but she is being unreasonable by refusing to allow you to resolve the situation with a cleaner. Put your foot down on that point.

Child rearing isn’t FT when the DC are in nursery/school all week.

its not like you can do the dishwasher whilst they get their coats and bags is it.

why on earth not???? She also knew how to tidy up after playing at 3..

Sorry just to add I can't believe some posters are suggesting the OP might be being unreasonable.

• She's not depressed.

• doing the laundry and weekday cooking is at most (and I'm being generous here) an hour a day.

• she looks after the children after school until the OP comes home, so another couple of hours during which she presumably does the cooking.

• let's say she also does a couple of hours of study a day.

So I'm up to 5 hours absolute tops.

Besides that she does nothing - no ironing, no basic tidying and the OP does the shopping. What does she do apart from watch the mess accumulate for her DH to spend a quarter of his weekend sorting?

I can't understand why she's not embarrassed by that.

It's not an issue of sex here - my feelings would be the same if the male/female protagonists were reversed.

Yanbu.
My dh is much tidier than I am but I still pull my weight and wouldn’t expect him to do everything while I sat on my arse .
I work full time now too but was a sahm and did a distance learning course with a young baby and still managed to do the laundry, ironing and general tidying up.
It’s not difficult and our house isn’t exactly small.
It’s not that hard if you do a bit at a time

I don’t have kids so I can’t comment on that but I work full time 9-5, I’m doing my Masters via distance learning (about 25 hours of study/research/writing a week on top of my job), I’m still building flatpacks and clearing boxes as we moved house last month, and the house is kept clean and tidy.

Unless there is some underlying health issue - either mental or physical - I’m not sure how she she’s struggling so much.

Husband and I in similar position. Couldn’t get in top of things. Friend randomly sent us the book below. Soooo helpful.

books.google.co.uk/books/about/Real_Life_Organizing.html?id=kS1zDgAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y

Hoping the link works. I’m not convinced of my technical ability. Book is called Real Life Organising. It’s helped us to make tidying up quick and easy and there were a few ideas that have been transformative.

Also you could do two identical lists of all household tasks. Cut them up into individual tasks - a pile each. Then put frequencies from daily to every two years and ‘never’ and then both of you individually place each item where you think it should be in terms of how often it needs doing. The go through each time scale from daily tasks to never tasks and see where you agree and where you don’t. Where you don’t meet half way. So if you think the windows need cleaning monthly and she thinks yearly, go for six monthly. Then agree together who will take responsibility for each task. Try to go with what you enjoy most or dislike least so you play to your strengths. You also can agree to delicate or ask for help if needed. Then track what you are managing to do with an app like TODY.

These two things have helped us get a handle on things. Not perfectly but good enough.

Good luck!

Delegate not delicate!

Also if she is in her 40s or 50s she may have perimenopausal exhaustion. It’s like pregnancy exhaustion. It’s not something you can push through.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/menopause/3566874-Talk-to-me-about-the-bone-crushing-tiredness-of-menopause?pg=1&order=

Organise the cleaner yourself if you are unhappy with the state of the house. Maybe she feels that if she agrees she will have to organise a cleaner, wo you do it instead. Studying for a degree even part time required reading, research and writing assignments on top of everything else she has to do, I can appreciate cleaning to your standard might not be a priority.

If I was her I would be looking at how best to organise myself so that I could make my life easier whilst doing all the tasks I need to. I make cleaning a priority because with young toddlers I find it easier to do little but often to keep on top of things.

If you want her to make cleaning a priority have a chat again and look at what you can do to ease her load. Marriage is about supporting and understanding each other with a huge dose of compromise.

Can people stop saying "to your standard"?

Again this should not be considered someone's standard I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

Also. Let's be honest here. Even full time student parents manage to clean their house a bit, let alone part time ones who have free time 3x a week.
30 min a day.

1. get a cleaner
2. take responsibility for clothes buying - NOTHING that needs ironing!

She being totally unreasonable and lazy. I work full time, have a serious chronic condition which causes constant pain but my house isn’t a tip. Not a palace either, but it certainly doesn’t sound like the OP is just being extra fussy, sounds like the house is filthy. Even if there’s only 2hrs or something between nursery and school what about all the hours after school. They aren’t babies, they can sit whilst mum cleans the kitchen as she’s making dinner. No excuses for it . I’d just get the cleaner and tell her you don’t want to spend your weekend cleaning

She's not depressed.

@DeRigueurMortis How would you know? Are you a psychic with a PHD in psychiatry?

No - the OP said so and I think he's in a better position to know than anyone here.

Nearly every post where a woman is behaving poorly gets a swell of posts re: mental health etc.

She's obviously fine when it comes to her hobbies and priorities from what the OP said.

There is nothing here to suggest that it's anything other than a case of IdontGiveAShitLazyFuckerItist.