Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

I would get a cleaner.
As an aside, I find it hilarious on these threads when someone lists "sorting insurance" as an arduous household admin task that fills their days. Something that probably takes a maximum of an hour once a year.

Your wife just doesn't care much if the house is messy. No sin in that.

Get a cleaner. (Organizing a cleaner is actually a lot harder said than done... good luck.)

Are people forgetting that studying takes up time and energy?

Completely agree with the PPs about internalised misogyny on here. Cooking/cleaning up after meals, washing, school/nursery run, 100% of wraparound childcare plus college 2 days a week (and no doubt assignments and studying on top of that) - this sounds like an awful lot of work to me. I really doubt she is spending much/any time painting her nails and reading magazines. And one morning of housework at the weekend sounds fine to me? I’m a working parent and I do about that. Get a cleaner if you like, but calling your wife lazy and your house a shit tip is just awful.

I agree with 5leafclover. OK if your wife is unable/unwilling to clean the house to your satisfaction, get a cleaner, and organise it yourself.

She's a lazy arse. Unfortunately you'll have to suck it up though because if she divorces you she'll take everything. So be a good boy and get back to work

Completely agree with the PPs about internalised misogyny on here.

Other posters have made the point that if a woman had posted this about her DH, there would have been a large number of "LTB" and worse comments than "lazy".

So I don't see any misogyny. I do see posters determined to prove that the woman is always right.

Let's take the MN rule of thumb about extra leisure time.

OP is occupied from about 6.30 (I'm allocating him time to walk the dogs) till (say) 6pm when he gets home in time for bed time.

Let's say DW gets up at the same time. 2 days a week she splits this time between college and childcaring i.e. no spare time.
The other 3 days she has about 5-6 hours time to herself while the children are at school/nursery. Even allowing for a couple of hours studying every day and an hour washing and cooking that still gives her a couple of hours to herself 3 days a week.

Then OP says she goes out to do hobbies 2 evenings a week while he sorts the DC. So again, that's free time she has when the OP is working.

I'm counting Saturday cleaning time as both working as presumably DW amuses the DC while the cleaning is going on (and as a suggestion, why not alternate this and/or get the children involved?).

On balance (accepting we don't know the whole picture) DW has way more leisure time than her DH. I wouldn't go so far as to call her lazy (she clearly does a lot) but do think it is unequal. Particularly since she's refusing to either get a cleaner or pull her weight.

Tell her either she starts pulling weight or you get the cleaner but you won't live in a pigsty.

I didn't realise wanting woman to do her fair share is internalised misogyny

Max 30 freaking minutes a day. That's all it takes to out rubbish in a bin and quick tidy through.

@Nachtheex you couldn't be more wrong. Clearly you're just another man hater who is determined to prove the woman can never be in the wrong, even when they are. Do you not seem to care about all the awful things men get called on this site?

As an aside, I find it hilarious on these threads when someone lists "sorting insurance" as an arduous household admin task that fills their days. Something that probably takes a maximum of an hour once a year This! Or "all household admin". Wtf even is that? Paying bills? Surely they're all direct debit anyway!

I am on house admin staff with you. I get organising children's stuff but bills? Once a year you check prices, sort it and then you just check every month if the DD went out🤷 Takes 5 min a month to check. May take an hour to find and sort new deal once a year or so.

@redskyatnighyt is spot on.
All this 'women are always right' helps no one - not even women.

This! Or "all household admin". Wtf even is that? Paying bills? Surely they're all direct debit anyway!

Your level of household admin and mine are very different.

For me, it’s all admin related to everyone in the house more than for the house.

In our case, that’s two children with disabilities:

• six different consultants
• four different therapists
• nursery admin (remarkable amount when there’s two kids with additional needs)
• medical tests (right now it’s overnight o2 tests for DT1 and trying to get a urine sample for DT2 that’s not too dilute)
• tons of appointments
• rescheduling clashing appointments
• prescriptions
• DLA admin (need to start thinking about renewal)
• Tax credits changes (mainly due to shifting childcare costs and varying income)
• EHCP process x 2, which has consumed my life for the past 8 months
• Appealing to tribunal for above (have spent the last week solidly doing paperwork, sending emails, gathering evidence)
• Training courses (currently portage, up next PECS and Attention Autism)

Every time people scoff at “household admin” I get very pissed off at the idea it’s just a few bills. If it is that for you then I envy you. Just appreciate it’s not like that for everyone.

Obviously your house admin is different to people with no children or children without disabilities. Do these things really have to be said?

SinkGirl your situation is clearly different.

I do work and have 3 kids under 5 plus caring for 4 elderly grandparents including all their hospital treatments but I still don't call it household admin. It's just part of my role!

@SinkGirl, that all sounds time-consuming and stressful. But the OP's DW's life isn't yours. Unless OP is going to come back with the biggest drip feed of all time, your day has no relevance at all to what he's trying to deal with.

Thanks for all the feedback some stuff to think about for sure. I cant really directly answer all the questions because there are so many posts, however there was some suggesting I’d come on here to get my Point validated in an underhanded way to use against my wife. That’s just nonsensical. If I wanted to do that I’d have posted on piston heads or something. I posted on here to get feedback from a demographic that was likely to see my wife’s point of view. The angry lady with misogynist angle that dismantled my post like an armchair academic is just plain wrong in her analysis and assumptions. To suggest my marriage is in trouble and that she has a better insight into that than I understand is crazy. Thanks though again everyone who has given their views
Some of the yabu stuff has made me think about accepting the differences and putting a more positive approach and dialogue in place. Also some of the more practical advice Like more bins and laundry baskets might be simple but actually has already informed an Amazon purchase! I’m a also definitely getting a fucking cleaner. Cheers.

She should help out more.

It should be a joint effort but if you are working and funding your family including her, you shouldnt have to pay for a cleaner especially when she has so much free time.

The woman is child free for three days, presumably from around 9.30 to 3.30 (assuming nursery 9 to 4). Even assuming she’s doing no housework at all in this time, that’s only 18 hours. Not at all unreasonable to spend that on degree work imo. When I was at uni we were told to treat it as a full time job and I easily spent 40+ hours a week studying/writing essays. 18 hours a week seems totally fair for a part time degree. This couple should get a cleaner but I don’t agree that the wife is lazy.

@Beerincomechampagnetastes

Thank you. I could not agree more. We know nothing about this woman, other than her DH really seems to enjoy advertising her shortcomings.

😂 Kind of funny to see "we don't know whole story" and "advertising DW shortcomings" and more from ppl who don't do the same on threads where women are talking about their male partners. You NEVER know full story on sites like this, people. You either judge anyone, or no one, but standing up for someone and apologising their behaviour JUST because they are woman is frankly actually not helping women.

I’m also definitely getting a fucking cleaner

Fab update, OP! Nice one!

@SinkGirl, that all sounds time-consuming and stressful. But the OP's DW's life isn't yours. Unless OP is going to come back with the biggest drip feed of all time, your day has no relevance at all to what he's trying to deal with.

I never said it did. I was responding to the mocking way that people discuss “household admin”, as if it’s a constant across the board and everyone has the same amount to do when that’s not the case.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing is ever same across the board. But people usually talk about the most common. How many households has it like you?5%? 10%? Meanwhile in majority of households the admin is simple.
Do we need a disclaimer on every post talking about the general stuff that it does obviously not include extreme cases? How could you even think that people mean your tasks when talking about it?