Wanting wife to do more

[Shroppfly]

I’m probably going to get shot down here and that’s okay becAuse I want honesty.

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years and we have two children. 6 and 3.

I work as a director of a medium sized company and work a lot of hours.

My wife Is a part time student 2 days a week

Kids are at nursery and school full time.

My wife makes dinner in the week and does the laundry. Since she started college she no longer irons.

We have a largish house and two dogs as well as the sprogs.

The house has been hard to keep on top of and it’s been stressing me out.

I know it doesn't bother my wife as much as me so I’ve been taking Saturday morning to totally blitz the house, because I just don’t get time in the week, out at about 7am after walking dogs and usually back just in time for bed time for the kids.

By the time the weekend comes I’m usually filling a bin bag of rubbish before I start cleaning and just tidying the mess takes a couple of hours.

The idea of doing this would be it would be easier to keep on top of. However it’s just meant my wife is leaving everything until the Saturday for me.

I really don’t want to be chauvinist pig, but the simple matter is that I don’t like living in crap and if I was at home more and she was working the hours I am m, then I’d have no problem doing more housework.

I’ve spoken to her about it but she just shuts down on me.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I feel frustrated by the situation as I don’t feel we ever get beyond just about coping with the house, so it’s disorganised and nothing gets improved - silly things like sorting out draws, putting up pictures etc

I’m bloody exhausted and just want to relax at home. I don’t mind doing the housework at the weekend, but I want the house not be a stressful shit pit in the week as well.

She’s not depressed, she just doesn’t want to do it. When she was doing more (before I started the big cleans) she’d do a job a day so that in reality the house was never in good order all at once.

I Love her very deeply and believe me I’ve got a lot of faults but this one thing is really getting to me.
So there you go, rip me to shreds mumsnetters, tell me I’m being a jerk and how I should handle this. Ta.

I was directly responding to this statement:
This! Or "all household admin". Wtf even is that? Paying bills?

I was simply pointing out that no, for many people for many reasons, it is not just paying bills.

Get a cleaner she sounds like a lazy bint. I work 30 hours and I'm doing an MA and I still do plenty of cleaning.

18 hours a week seems totally fair for a part time degree.

It does (actually the OU suggest 16-18 hours a week for a part time degree).
However the OP spends 2 days a week at college, so should be able to use that to cover a large proportion of it. If she is spending 18 hours a week studying at home on top of 2 days at college I'd suggest she is seriously struggling or doing way more than is needed. Either of which would probably warrant a discussion with her tutor.

Nobody else seems to have picked up on the description of the wife as a "wonderful creative mother" Is she spending time doing crafts or baking with the kids after school / nursery? Growing stuff? Making amazing Book Day costumes? Because that can both use up time and create mess. To my mind "wonderful creative mother" and "houseproud" rarely go together.

@BoggiesBonnieBelle I did but I picked my battles😂

Tell her to pull her finger put her arse!

I work 4 days a week, my day 'off ' is spent doing housework and food shopping. Each night I put a load of washing on and once a week I iron.

My DH works longer hours than me, si for us that's how it works. I'd say its equal as he does all the other stuff like wash the windows, sort the garden, do the DIY

YANBU
Sounds lazy to me,even more so now that you're doing it all on a Saturday morning. Totally unfair.
I work full time,my husband doesn't work due to health reasons.
He does all the housework- cleaning,shopping, cooking,washing,ironing- because he's at home and I'm not. My weekends are free then to relax!

If she’s looking after two small children, doing school runs, all the organising, shopping, food, bath times and studying two days a week, I can see why she’s not interested in keeping up showhome standards.

And you do sound quite judgemental to be honest.

However I do not understand her refusing the offer of a cleaner. I’d just book one to do an hour per afternoon. That way the house is tidy when you get home.

"I’m a also definitely getting a fucking cleaner. Cheers."
Good!

I am massively concerned by the number of people who consider anything above what OP described a showhome or too high standard

Get a cleaner. She can hardly turn the cleaner away at the door. It's your house too so if you don't have time in the week to clean, then get someone to do it for you.

Try being a full time working single mum of a pre-teen boy and you’ll understand.

her DH really seems to enjoy advertising her shortcomings.

@Commonwasher, virtually the entirety of mumsnet is women advertising the shortcomings of the men in their lives!
Yet a bloke does the same and it's suddenly a horrible thing to do?

Get a cleaner. My husband's a nightmare, and my house is a bombsite. If I could afford a cleaner I would.

We live in a big house, have a large dog and I work 3 days a week and about 3 evenings from home, I keep the house spotless do all the cooking from scratch, iron everything and do all childcare stuff. Because of that our weekends are enjoyable doing stuff with the children, eating out and socialising. Your wife sounds disorganised and lazy. My husband would be totally stressed out if we lived like this I feel your pain.

So all you do is a few hours cleaning on a Saturday morning? And share putting the kids to bed?

Who does the meal plan, food shopping, gets the kids up and ready for school and nursery, makes breakfast and does the breakfast dishes, does lunches, make dinner, dinner dishes, washes and dries the clothes, puts away all the clothes, baths the kids, deals with the school and nursery, nursery and school runs, takes kids to clubs and organises that, deals with doctors and dentist for kids, keeps them entertained after school and nursery, does home work, plans and shops for birthdays and Christmas, takes the dogs to the vet?

Maybe she could do more along with the things she does from the list above and her college 2 days a week plus her study outside of that, but your posts read like you are having a hard time as you have to clean for a bit on a Saturday morning. That’s a bit crap. Sounds like you also get all the fun bits with the kids, reading bedtime stories and being with them at the weekend.

I want to go back to the posters who think a woman who goes back to work two weeks after giving birth is “a shit mum”.

Paternity leave is typically two weeks. It is therefore very common for men to return to work two weeks after the birth. Where is your vitriol for them?

My sister in law had to go back to work after three weeks. She’s a god damn superhero.

@saraclara I do take that point. A lot of mumsnet is bitching about other halves.

However... If you love somone why would you hang them out to the mumsnet lynchmob? And that’s without the ‘disgusting’, ‘lazy’ comments from sooooo many women. I’d hate to think he presented it to his wife, all triumphant, saying ‘look, even the women who are on your side say you lazy and disgusting.’ We know nothing at all about this woman other than her husband expects the house to be kept at a tidier standard than she is able to maintain.

As the poster says below, there is a great long list of stuff that he has not factored in his list of things she doesn’t do, ie, those things that DO get done, presumably by her, like packed lunches, homework, putting clothes away, tidying toys, school runs, childcare, trips to the vet, sorting school trips and after school clubs, household bills and admin, the supermarket shop.... etc etc etc

And above all, everyone is different. Maybe some mumsnet women can work two jobs, do a college course, raise 2 kids, walk two dogs and make every meal from scratch all whilst keeping on top of the cleaning, tidying and ironing, good for them but not everyone can, and stay sane. They are not ‘disgusting’ or ‘lazy’ they are just human.

I actually think the people who are siding with the OP’s wife are in the right eg pointing out that they don’t know her side of the story or that anything could be going on with her etc.

I just wish more people were willing to make these views when the person being complained of is a man. Because they are no less true.

That's a very good point iMoan7

@RedskyAtnight but I am presuming that the days she is at college, she is also doing pick up and drop off at school/nursery, then has to travel to uni, and also has lectures/tutorials. Factor in going between classes, tracking down library books etc and I doubt she gets much study done on those days. Say she gets a couple of hours done each on those days- that still leaves her with maybe 14 hrs study to do on her ‘days off’. So she has perhaps another 2 or 3 hours free (excluding lunch breaks which presumably she is allowed) for housework on those days. Yep I still doubt she is luxuriating in hours of freedom.

Also @RedskyAtnight even if she were ‘struggling’ I’m not sure that would mean she should just throw her hands up and concentrate on keeping house just like her big important husband wants.

I’ve suggested getting a cleaner but she won’t entertain it.

I was on the fence until I read this. She's being ridiculous.

I don't usually armchair diagnose but could she be asd or adhd (or both). When you said she is creative and also shuts down when you try to talk it rang a few bells. If this was the case criticism may likely have the opposite effect - praise for things however small may help.

Good work on deciding to get the cleaner!
And on buying the extra hampers and storage.
Hopefully this will make everyone's life a little better at home now.