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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another child with my husband I’m separated from

171 replies

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 07:55

So My hubby and I met 9 years ago and had got married and had a daughter. Said child is now 8 and desperately wants a sibling.

To be honest, I’ve wanted another since she was 2 years old, but my marriage was not in the best state. Lots of fights and eventually we just started managing each other. I tried for a baby 4 years into the marriage but I had a miscarriage and the same month he resigned from his job, so I shelved the Idea.

Anyways I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

Now we hardly communicate but he sends maintenance for our daughter monthly. I have a good job too so I’m not reliant.

However, My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent. I have only half siblings and it kind of feels like I am an only child sometimes/most times. So I get where she is coming from. I have never really wanted kids from different men so I am leaning into the idea a little bit I think it’s selfish. DD is 8 btw and her dad lives in another country and has been unable to get a visa to come here so I would really be going it alone. I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc...

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/03/2020 07:57

Your aunt is bonkers. Your dd doesn’t need a sibling. If you want a baby as a single parent look at sperm donation.

user1497207191 · 14/03/2020 07:59

This must be a wind-up- what a stupid idea.

LEELULUMPKIN · 14/03/2020 07:59

You are joking, right?

I don't even know where to start with this one.........

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 14/03/2020 08:00

That is quite literally one of the worst ideas I’ve ever read on MN, and that’s saying something.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 14/03/2020 08:00

This idea is selfish and batshit crazy.
Use a sperm donor.

Candyfloss99 · 14/03/2020 08:01

You were being so unreasonable I can't believe what I just read.

c3pu · 14/03/2020 08:01

Are you on glue?

ThanosSavedMe · 14/03/2020 08:01

Ffs. Do you give in and get everything your 8 year old wants?

ShagMeRiggins · 14/03/2020 08:04

Ffs.

Yes, YABU. Don’t do it, even if you could, because it sounds pretty far-fetched.

Please stop projecting your feelings about your childhood into your daughter.

End your marriage, read your child, and be happy.

I’m sorry you’re feeling such desperation about this but following your aunt’s advice would create nothing but drama and mayhem, which is not the stable environment I’m sure you want for your child. Flowers

urinetroubleagain · 14/03/2020 08:05

This can’t be real? Ffs you sound like a novelist or a nutter.

Freshnewus · 14/03/2020 08:05

Whaaat? This is so strange.
If your ex-husband is happy and likes the idea then, I guess go for it.
But I don't think it's fair to seduce him to get pregnant- particularly as he was the one wanting to stay together in the first place and you were the one wanting to separate.

ShagMeRiggins · 14/03/2020 08:06

*onto your daughter

*rear your child

And seriously, think about what you’ve just proposed.

RitmoRatmo · 14/03/2020 08:06
Biscuit
Isthistrueor · 14/03/2020 08:07

So you’d rather shag your ex who you currently have ‘limited contact’ with purely to have another child than potentially find someone you actually love to have another child with? Ludicrous and I doubt your ex would want that either fwiw.

Scbchl · 14/03/2020 08:08

Dont be so ridiculous. Also what makes you think youd successfully seduce him "at the right time" the first time. Absolute nonsense.

DrierThanANunsNasty · 14/03/2020 08:08

You’d have to fly abroad to try and seduce him just to have another child...? What if he suddenly wants to play a bigger part in all your lives if you have another one? Sounds like you’ve already decided the marriage doesn’t work, but you can’t just have another baby by seducing someone and then hoping they’ll just go
“Oh okay, cool, thanks for using me as a sperm donor, here’s some more maintenance”
This is actually crazy!

LJenn · 14/03/2020 08:10

Why would you assume he'd sleep with you anyway? Maybe he's with someone else.

Bluewater1 · 14/03/2020 08:10

This is ridiculous. It cannot be true Confused
Or if it is, absolutely do not do this. Your DD does not need a sibling. Seducing someone simply in the hope of getting pregnant is appalling and deliberately getting pregnant with someone you know you are leaving is batshit

Jeezoh · 14/03/2020 08:11

There’s a lot of “I” in your first post, does your ex not get a say in this? Pretty disgusting post to be honest, to be considering tricking someone into having a baby.

wildcherries · 14/03/2020 08:13

This is so appalling that I hope it isn't real. Besides, like PP says: what if he doesn't want to sleep with you?

Murraygoldberg · 14/03/2020 08:17

Madness, does your 8 year old get everything they want? Their idea of a sibling may not match the reality of a baby then toddler who will be at least 9 years younger than them.

catwithnohat · 14/03/2020 08:17

Absolutely ridiculous, are you completely off your trolley thinking of bringing another life into what sounds like a shambles of a life.

Your sense of responsibility, or lack of it, beggars belief.

Horsefeather · 14/03/2020 08:20

That is close to the stupidest idea I have ever heard. You rightly stopped TTC when your marriage turned bad, so keep to that resolution.

LittleLittleLittle · 14/03/2020 08:21

Don't be stupid.

Get divorced - you can under 5 years separation without his consent - then find someone else or use a sperm donor. If you have a kid with another guy/sperm donor your children will be close because they live in the same household.

Yes there will be a bigger age gap, but oddly a bigger age gap may work better than the one you have would have now.

Babybel90 · 14/03/2020 08:22

Bonkers and cruel.

Also your daughter would be 9 by the time this child was born so she’d practically be an only child anyway.