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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another child with my husband I’m separated from

171 replies

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 07:55

So My hubby and I met 9 years ago and had got married and had a daughter. Said child is now 8 and desperately wants a sibling.

To be honest, I’ve wanted another since she was 2 years old, but my marriage was not in the best state. Lots of fights and eventually we just started managing each other. I tried for a baby 4 years into the marriage but I had a miscarriage and the same month he resigned from his job, so I shelved the Idea.

Anyways I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

Now we hardly communicate but he sends maintenance for our daughter monthly. I have a good job too so I’m not reliant.

However, My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent. I have only half siblings and it kind of feels like I am an only child sometimes/most times. So I get where she is coming from. I have never really wanted kids from different men so I am leaning into the idea a little bit I think it’s selfish. DD is 8 btw and her dad lives in another country and has been unable to get a visa to come here so I would really be going it alone. I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc...

OP posts:
argueifnecessary · 14/03/2020 10:51

The idea is alien to me despite also only having half siblings and feeling that blood is thicker than water in an upturned meaning. My two DDs have the same father and I admit, it is extra exciting to me because I never had a sibling that was very similar to me the way my daughters are similar to one another. Funny why we crave that.
I do know more than one person that has done this but they had an agreement beforehand. Also recently heard this about someone else I know. She left her partner but they co-parent and the man is asking if it would be possible for them to have another child together and keep co-parenting. So men get that idea too.
IDK, if your current situation is working for you and you get your husband on board then maybe not such a bad idea after all.

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:52

@ginghamstarfish I want the child just as much, if not MORE than she does. 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:56

@argueifnecessary thank you for your contribution, you get it.

It’s not an ideal situation but it leaves me time to love and nurture the child until I meet someone to share the rest of my life with without being in such a hurry thinking about my biological clock.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/03/2020 10:57

l am a responsible adult

Nope. You wouldn't be giving this daft idea headspace if you were.

Savingshoes · 14/03/2020 11:03

If you had said that you wanted to put it to your ex that you ttc and open to ways and means on how you both become parents again, I would say that you were braver than me but yes that is reasonable after your feelings of not wanting step but wanting to be a parent again.
Seducing sounds cruel and unkind to both your ex and DD considering he said he never wanted to divorce.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 14/03/2020 11:07

You don't sound like a responsible ADULT at all you sound like a selfish child - want want want - you want a baby so of course you must have one. Doesn't matter the child will deliberately grow up in a broken home without a father.

Christ on a bike some people have stupid ideas

Delbelleber · 14/03/2020 11:11

I think if you want another child with him you would have to explain your thinking and he would have to agree he wanted the same. Going over and seducing him is not the way to do it.

Winnipegdreamer · 14/03/2020 11:12

Is this real? I can’t believe someone would take the time to write this down and think it has the beginning of a good idea 😂😂🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Winnipegdreamer · 14/03/2020 11:13

Adopt if you seriously want and can afford another child.

DrierThanANunsNasty · 14/03/2020 11:13

You’ve said yourself that this might make him think that your “sham” of a marriage is fixable if you continue with this plan. Do you not care AT ALL what this might do to him emotionally? It’s absolutely disgusting that you’re thinking solely of yourself and not anyone else’s feelings in all of this. I’m ashamed for you.

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:14

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted when you have safely disembarked your high horse take a few moments to read my previous posts to enable you contribute your ideas constructively. Brew

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 14/03/2020 11:14
Hmm
Rhubarbpeony · 14/03/2020 11:16

Utterly bonkers and also not particularly fair on your ex - if he didn’t want to divorce then using him a sperm bank when you have no interest in getting back together is really immoral.

Cocobean30 · 14/03/2020 11:19

Bizarre. I have 4 half siblings and they are NO LESS my sibling because we only share one parent. That’s ridiculous And harmful thinking. Why would you put a poor baby in such a toxic situation . Wait until you are in a stable new long term relationship or don’t have another child.

GulliBelle · 14/03/2020 11:20

I think what with c19 and everything, monthly travel might be difficult and logistically complicated.

Who will look after your dd when you are abroad, or do you intend to pull her out of school to take her with you when your fertile period falls mid week - and what excuse will you give her school?. Is your aunt happy to step in to the breach (or is it breech, I am never sure).?

Could you possibly get your hubby on board, and get him to send over some baby juice in a refrigerated container? You could even pop over to collect it yourself to ensure freshness!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/03/2020 11:22

So, you're planning to have sex with a man you know you don't get on with and hardly communicate with to make a baby?

I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

But oh dear, you didn't get to move on and have kids with someone else so you think you'll try having another child with him. Now you want his child and a divorce. You are being very cold and calculating - but so far your calculations didn't work out the way you expect. Is this silly plan really going to work out any better?

You do have sensible choices. Either get back together with him or move on unconditionally. Don't play games.

Bluetrews25 · 14/03/2020 11:24

And what if he's had a sneaky vasectomy but wouldn't object to pretending to TTC with you? Ugh.

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:27

@GullieBelle there are such things as live in full time nannies and loved ones who can step in while I am away also. Basically Childcare is not a problem. As for the rest of your post here, 🍬 have sweet, you sound bitter Confused

OP posts:
TiredMum10 · 14/03/2020 11:30

Yes because your aunt says so go do it. Or use your own brain and realise what a selfish and horrible idea this is.

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:33

@Bluetrews25 Confused he wouldn’t have had a vasectomy cos he’s really not that kind of person.

and @AmaryllisNightAndDay Yes you are right, it all comes across as very cold and that’s not who I am by any means. I agree I would probably be better off walking away. My aunt thought I wasn’t exploring all my options and given the number of women who do this I just thought I would get opinions from my fellow mumsneers.

OP posts:
DingleberryRose · 14/03/2020 11:33

Wow!! I have no words!! Confused

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/03/2020 11:35

She left her partner but they co-parent and the man is asking if it would be possible for them to have another child together and keep co-parenting.

Except, OP isn't and has no intention of co-parenting. The father already lives in another country. She wants a baby but wants nothing to do with him, except for him lodging more money to her bank account every month.

If you are intent on going ahead with this, then you have to tell him. Especially if you expect him to contribute financially for at least the next 18 years. Would you like someone to make a financial decision for you that would affect your future life, and any future family you may have, without your consent?

Imagine if your husband left you and asked for a divorce you didn't want. You moved away and limited contact to allow you to come to terms with the separation. Then he turns up on your doorstep wanting to have another baby with you but wanting you to not be a part of the "family" just handover cash every month.

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:35

@DingleberryRose unfortunately this is more common than you might think Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:39

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre his financial contributions are voluntary I don’t beg, cajole or even remind him. Who says they will increase if I have another child? I never said I would expect more... Stop being so hung up about the money. Money is not the issue here this is about a sibling for DD as my monicker implies.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 14/03/2020 11:39

Madness.

So he’s not good enough for you to stay with, but you’re happy to have another child tied to him for their life?

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