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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have another child with my husband I’m separated from

171 replies

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 07:55

So My hubby and I met 9 years ago and had got married and had a daughter. Said child is now 8 and desperately wants a sibling.

To be honest, I’ve wanted another since she was 2 years old, but my marriage was not in the best state. Lots of fights and eventually we just started managing each other. I tried for a baby 4 years into the marriage but I had a miscarriage and the same month he resigned from his job, so I shelved the Idea.

Anyways I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

Now we hardly communicate but he sends maintenance for our daughter monthly. I have a good job too so I’m not reliant.

However, My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent. I have only half siblings and it kind of feels like I am an only child sometimes/most times. So I get where she is coming from. I have never really wanted kids from different men so I am leaning into the idea a little bit I think it’s selfish. DD is 8 btw and her dad lives in another country and has been unable to get a visa to come here so I would really be going it alone. I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc...

OP posts:

EatCakeBeMerry · 14/03/2020 10:02

Because that won’t be confusing for your 8 year old! They claim they want a sibling but most kids also claim they want a puppy or a horse until they have to pick up s#!t and go for walks or a ride in the rain and cold.

ArabSprings · 14/03/2020 10:03

Ummm no.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/03/2020 10:04

Is your aunt living with you and going to substantially contribute both in financial terms and in terms of practical help when you are a single parent to two children at very different life stages? A 13/14 year old girl is unlikely to want to hang around at a 4 year old's birthday party. And if she is expected to be there, by her mother, she will not be there to play on the bouncy castle. She'll be there to supervise, mediate, and host the party. Are you assuming 'sibling' = 'sister'? What if it's a brother and then have little in common? What if it's a sister and they have a personality clash? What if the precious 8 year old (who seems to get what she wants, including having extended family getting involved in making sure she gets what she wants) is jealous of the time and attention the new sibling needs and resents sibling because of this?

Choosing to become a single parent is one thing. Choosing to make a man a father of a baby he will never be a proper dad to is another entirely.

How do you explain to child2 why they don't really know who their dad is, or why he never sees them? Not even once a fortnight like most uninterested dads.

You claim that you don't want your daughter to feel different or separate. But you are happy to set child2 up with being completely different from the moment they are conceived.

I think you need to attend some parenting talks. You cannot submit to the whims of an 8 year old to the detriment of everyone else, (you, your ex, child2).

Cop on and buy her a pony if you want to make a grand gesture.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/03/2020 10:08

Did your husband even know you were trying for a second child 4 years into the marriage? You only say YOU were trying for a baby.

bookworm14 · 14/03/2020 10:08

Christ alive. Is being an only child really so bad that you would consider this insane scheme?

GulliBelle · 14/03/2020 10:09

Yeah, why not? Go for it! And don't forget to report back.

CuppaZa · 14/03/2020 10:13

You’re crazy, self-centred and up your own arse OP

JoeySpecial · 14/03/2020 10:18

Yes, you do that.

Original poster

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:19

Well you’re fucked when your little darling asks for a tiger! This is the best comment so far

Anyway, l am a responsible adult who has a desire for a child and I am worried about the stigma (culture wise where I come from for me and DD).

Honestly, I always thought my aunt’s idea was crazy but I thought perhaps she was being more pragmatic. I didn’t want to throw away the baby and the bathwater that’s why I posted here.

I tend to romanticise things. I stopped at the one because I thought it would be unfair to bring a child into what seemed like a marriage that wasn’t working.

As some people have mentioned further up, this is something many people do. They won’t tell you but you’d be surprised at the number of people who do it. Of course that does not make it right.

To all those saying I should just get a sperm donor... So it’s better that a child comes into the world without any father to speak of ? 😳

Btw finding a new man as a single mum is t a piece of cake either. It could take years, by which time fertility might be an issue. Unless I rush it, which would leave me open to another failed relationship....sigh

I’m simply trying to turn my lemons into lemonade, my hubby loves kids and so do I. The child will be loved and we would co parent (long distance) I am simply painting a scenario I have not decided to do this.

OP posts:

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 14/03/2020 10:23

Wow, just Wow. And you say you have a good job. How can you think of what you have written is right? Flying abroad to seduce a man to have a baby that you will raise alone. I simply dont get the logic. You aunt is cray btw, please dont go to her for advice.

listsandbudgets · 14/03/2020 10:26

I actually know someone who did this - right down to flying to another country.

She is now 7 months pregnant and regretting it. He's showing no further interest except to send ludicrous quantities of toys for their sons birthday When she's asked for money towards upkeep of children he's point blank refused or just ignored her.

Don't do it OP the outcome may well not be pretty and its so unfair on the prospective baby to have a known father who wishes they didn't exist :(

MintyMabel · 14/03/2020 10:26

I’d like to think this was a ridiculous plan, but a work colleague of mine did exactly this. Said she wanted a third child and that it had to be before she was thirty because otherwise her Nan had told her the body doesn’t recover having babies after 30. She didn’t want her children to have different fathers so she “reconciled” with her husband, stayed with him for about two years, had her baby then left him for the guy she had been seeing for years. When she complained after that about having three small kids and being a single mum, I reminded her it was all her choice and she just had to get on with it. What a shitty thing to do to your ex.

andannabegins · 14/03/2020 10:27

I know someone who did this. She trapped him into paying for a second child he had had no say in because he was a responsible parent to his first. Absolutely fucked up, sorry. How are you going to explain it to the baby when it grows up?

Original poster

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:27

Yes my husband did know we were trying for a second child, I told him what my dates were as we were still living together patching things and playing happy families at the time. I miscarried a mo or so after and he resigned from his job that same month or a few weeks after.

I cried and tried to persuade him not to resign just yet as we were trying for a baby but obviously we were not on the same page. It hurt me real bad, as he didn’t have any money saved and was planning to start a business. I asked him to work a few more months but he wasn’t interested and resigned anyways. That put the burden financially more on my shoulders. I relocated here and changed my career to one which pays quite well and am able to cater for me and DD whether the business works or not. The business took a while to pick up but I guess it’s ok now. Starting early last year he began sending us btw 400-300 GBP as support. We is it him every summer but have not had sex for the last 4 years.

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 14/03/2020 10:29

Well if your hubbie loves kids and would be happy to co-parent another child, why would you need to dupe him into conceiving one?

Throughabushbackwards · 14/03/2020 10:29

I also know someone who did this, although the children are close in age and the relationships remain closer than what yours seems to be. The marriage broke down when the first child was about 18m and they decided to have a second so the children would have each other in the future. It's worked out fine for them, they are happily separated and the children are now teenagers living with their mother but seeing the father often.

Veru · 14/03/2020 10:31

So it’s better that a child comes into the world without any father to speak of ? 😳
Yes probably far more mentally healthy for all involved than the child being born to a father she won't see very often because of being abroad and you barely speak to and who you admit at the time together wasn't on the same page with wanting another child.

Your plan is bonkers.

ClassicallyConditioned · 14/03/2020 10:33

It's not a great plan but you wouldn't be the first to do this. I know someone who intentionally got pregnant knowing she was going to divorce him, just so her children would have the same father.

LaCherriesJubilee · 14/03/2020 10:34

So it’s better that a child comes into the world without any father to speak of ?

Yes, it's better. You and your DD get the new baby you both want. The new baby gets to come into the world without a horrified/furious birth father in the background.

And it's just not as simple as "fly to the country he's in and seduce him". What if you don't get pregnant the first trip? What if he produces a condom? And he doesn't want a divorce so flying over just to fuck him is just going to mess with his head.

JonnyPocketRocket · 14/03/2020 10:34

we would co parent (long distance)

Oh? How's that working out for you at the moment? Living in different countries, "hardly communicating" but sending/receiving monthly maintenance isn't co-parenting; it's conducting a financial transaction. Maybe you could save the airfare and have a baby with your local bank manager or greengrocer 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:39

@listsandbudgets she is sad NOW but in 20 years time she MIGHT realise she made the right decision based on the prevailing circumstances.

I am all for being open about it though ie telling him I am doing this simply for a baby I am not scared of that. I could literally call him this morning and be there tomorrow night hypothetically speaking. I don’t think he would decline, he would probably agree, thinking it would preserve the sham of a marriage. Unfortunately some men tend to not think that deeply I’m sorry to say.

OP posts:

listsandbudgets · 14/03/2020 10:43

If you're going to tell him that's another matter. She just waited until she knew she was at her most productive point and seduced him

I hope you're right we're worried about her at the moment :(

Original poster

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:46

@JonnyPocketRocket it’s NOTHING to do with money read my previous posts I make enough money on my own. Money is not the issue here. He calls DD EVERYDAY and follows up on schoolwork, events etc. Buys flight tickets for holidays etc.

OP posts:

ginghamstarfish · 14/03/2020 10:47

Not sure you should even have the child you have, if you think that 8 year olds can tell adults what to do. Perhaps you need to grow up a bit yourself.

Original poster

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 10:49

It’s a tough one but I really don’t mind telling him. I’m not keen on deception at all but I wonder if it’s worth the trouble just to have kids from the same man within a “reasonable amount of time”

It’s a tough one.

OP posts:

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