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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another child with my husband I’m separated from

171 replies

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 07:55

So My hubby and I met 9 years ago and had got married and had a daughter. Said child is now 8 and desperately wants a sibling.

To be honest, I’ve wanted another since she was 2 years old, but my marriage was not in the best state. Lots of fights and eventually we just started managing each other. I tried for a baby 4 years into the marriage but I had a miscarriage and the same month he resigned from his job, so I shelved the Idea.

Anyways I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

Now we hardly communicate but he sends maintenance for our daughter monthly. I have a good job too so I’m not reliant.

However, My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent. I have only half siblings and it kind of feels like I am an only child sometimes/most times. So I get where she is coming from. I have never really wanted kids from different men so I am leaning into the idea a little bit I think it’s selfish. DD is 8 btw and her dad lives in another country and has been unable to get a visa to come here so I would really be going it alone. I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc...

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/03/2020 11:47

It's not about the money?! Maybe not now, but when you realise how expensive kids get as they get older.

Or will your first child be limited in her choices because you have a second child (and no contributing partner) to share the financial burden with. Or is the plan to have a child with your ex because of that old biological clock, but then find another man to share the cost with.

2 children cost more than one. And teenagers cost more than toddlers and college/university going children + a teenager = very expensive.

But sure, have another baby with a man you don't like. Let that child grow up wondering why their dad never lived in the same country as them. Deal with all the issues that is likely to cause, but hey, DD will have a little toy to play with for a couple of years until the novelty wears off and she's more interested in hanging around with her mates.

Go for it. What could possibly go wrong?

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:51

@Villian you have raised some valid points, I have considered all that. Hence my hesitation.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 14/03/2020 11:51

OP u think you are the most selfish person I've ever come across on here.

Candyfloss99 · 14/03/2020 11:51

*I

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:52

@ VodselForDinner I know right ...Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 11:55

The best decision is not always the easiest one...Sad SadSad

I have put this out here and I am grateful for all the feedback and the well and not so well deserved bashing.

OP posts:
TealWater · 14/03/2020 11:56

No, stop trying to justify this to yourself by lying. It really is not as common as you think. Some people choose to have another child to repair a marriage, when they are still together, but no one chooses to have another child with their ex who they don't want to be married to and want a divorce from. An 8 year old will soon change her tune when the baby is crying and screaming all the time and you can't do things with her. She is too young to know what she wants, and at that age, you change your mind very quick. As all the parents whose child begged them for a puppy or kitten, and then a week later lose interest and all the work is left to the parents.

A child should be brought into the world loved and wanted by both parents. Not just because you 'want' one. Buy your daughter a doll and get yourself a pet.

coldwarenigma · 14/03/2020 11:57

I know someone who did this but with small age differences but her ex had MH problems so was vulnerable. She then barred him from seeing his DC due to his health further declining his health.

motherheroic · 14/03/2020 12:01

Utter selfish. It's better to have a baby with a man who will actually show up and look after his child rather than an uninvolved man who isn't even in the same country.

GulliBelle · 14/03/2020 12:06

Lol

GulliBelle · 14/03/2020 12:07

That's the last time I try to be helpful!

gingerbiscuits · 14/03/2020 12:10

Seriously????? Re-read your post & hopefully you'll see how utterly ridiculous & selfish that idea is! For ALL concerned.

Imtootired · 14/03/2020 12:12

I actually don’t think that this is a terrible thing to do like some are saying. My situation is similar in some ways. I’d split up from my son’s father for a long time and then briefly got back together and I got pregnant. We split up again but both love my now four month old and my son is so happy to have a baby brother. I’m single but don’t have drama of another ex to deal with. I have a big age gap with mine but it’s really nice. It’s a bit different for you with the father in another country but it might not be so bad. As long as you don’t lie and pretend you’re on contraception you’re not doing anything wrong! I don’t understand the huge moral objections here. Not everyone is so lucky to have a good relationship where you can choose to have as many children when you want. It’s very hard to meet someone as a single parent and in most cases babies bring families together and bring happiness to everyone involved. My baby was a surprise but everyone loves him including parents and grandparents, his brother and half sister.

Pukkatea · 14/03/2020 12:13

Your dd will be in secondary school before any sibling even really knows who she is and they will always be at completely different life stages and unable to relate to each other in the way she probably imagines when nagging you for a baby brother or sister. She won't have a playmate, she'll end up more of a babysitter and additional parental figure. She is too young to know better, but you're not. Grow up.

Mum918 · 14/03/2020 12:23

Sounds like a great idea, with a bit of luck you’ll fall pregnant with triplets and you can all live happily ever after in Narnia

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 12:25

@Pukkatea you might be right now but when one is 30 and the other 39 or 40 the age difference is not such a big deal.

@Imtootired thanks for your insight.

OP posts:
GulliBelle · 14/03/2020 12:27

@mum918 surely you mean twins?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/03/2020 12:29

Money is not the issue here this is about a sibling for DD as my monicker implies.

If your DD is really unhappy now it is not just because she is an only child. There is nothing even to say that your DD will feel happy when the reality of a new sibling hits her. Most siblings come with mixed feelings, usually in the end positive ones win out but not all the time and maybe not until later. It's going to be a hell of a shock to both of you when DD has to share your attention with a new baby and she feels pushed out and jealous (normal reactions) And there isn't a father around to make an extra fuss of her while you are busy with the baby. You are chasing fantasies.

Focussing on a sibling for your DD is about your unresolved issues from your own childhood. Drop the daft idea and get yourself some therapy.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/03/2020 12:36

my situation is similar in some ways.

But different in others. You didn't deliberately choose the whole situation. You didn't start with a fixed idea in your head about how nicely it was going to work out.

insideoutsider · 14/03/2020 12:36

It might not be romantic and according to 'modern' ways, but I think it's sensible and practical. You'll have just one father to deal with and your kids won't be separated into different houses according to different father's needs. You won't have problems with one of your kids being 'other', they'll be loved together, anything he provides will be for both children.

Don't try to seduce him though. Tell him you want another child with him and if he agrees, you can artificially inseminate or whatever.

I know someone who did this and her kids have a similar age gap. The kids go to their dad together, have the same extended family etc. It's more common than you all think. People just don't say because of responses like those here.

It would be my worst nightmare having kids with different fathers.

EmpressJewel · 14/03/2020 12:42

This thinking isn't uncommon. A friend of OH split with his partner after DC1 and a year later was expecting DC2, after spending the night together. OH told me his friend said it was an 'accident'. I said, I doubt it. The friend may not have thought that far ahead, but the ex was...

Morally, it would be wrong to not discuss it with your estranged 'DH'. If he is in agreement then go for it, but otherwise, I think it would be wrong to go ahead.

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 12:59

@EmpressJewell and @insideoutsider thank you for your input.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 14/03/2020 13:04

🙄

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 13:08

@insideoutsider nice to see someone who can actually engage her brain and think outside the Disneyland/Hollywood box

It might not be romantic and according to 'modern' ways, but I think it's sensible and practical. You'll have just one father to deal with and your kids won't be separated into different houses according to different father's needs. You won't have problems with one of your kids being 'other', they'll be loved together, anything he provides will be for both children.

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 14/03/2020 13:41

@Pukkatea you might be right now but when one is 30 and the other 39 or 40 the age difference is not such a big deal

That's assuming they bonded and nurtured a relationship in the early days. They are just as likely to be virtual strangers at 30 and 39/40 with nothing is common as they are at 9 and 18/19.

Artificially inseminate using a donor if you really want a sibling for your DD. That way you will only be dealing with one father. But rather than focus solely on the wants and desires of your current child, you also need to consider the needs of a subsequent child.

This is not a "shared parenting" situation like others are saying they have seen workout. This is having a second baby with a man who doesn't live in the same country. Your kids aren't going to develop a relationship with him by visiting every second weekend and every Thursday for tea.

You are considering bringing a baby into a less than ideal situation to be a plaything for an 8 year old why probably can't remember what she got for Christmas.