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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another child with my husband I’m separated from

171 replies

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 07:55

So My hubby and I met 9 years ago and had got married and had a daughter. Said child is now 8 and desperately wants a sibling.

To be honest, I’ve wanted another since she was 2 years old, but my marriage was not in the best state. Lots of fights and eventually we just started managing each other. I tried for a baby 4 years into the marriage but I had a miscarriage and the same month he resigned from his job, so I shelved the Idea.

Anyways I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

Now we hardly communicate but he sends maintenance for our daughter monthly. I have a good job too so I’m not reliant.

However, My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent. I have only half siblings and it kind of feels like I am an only child sometimes/most times. So I get where she is coming from. I have never really wanted kids from different men so I am leaning into the idea a little bit I think it’s selfish. DD is 8 btw and her dad lives in another country and has been unable to get a visa to come here so I would really be going it alone. I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc...

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 14/03/2020 13:45

I think you would completely mess up your dd head even though she asked for a sibling.

Butterwhy · 14/03/2020 13:53

No, no, no, no. I am sure it has worked well for other people, but a) just because your DD wants a sibling it doesn't mean you are required to provide her with one, b) you will be further tied to a man who seems to do the bare minimum along with the added bonus that he doesn't want to divorce you, c) just no.

Imtootired · 14/03/2020 14:14

@AmaryllisNightAndDay yes but it could easily have been the same because a lot of people did say to me that I could have another child with him and the result would have been the same whether I planned to get pregnant or not.

And to everyone talking about the age gap it really depends on the kids. My son is ten with a baby brother and absolutely loves him and helps me a lot and can’t wait till he can play with him and do different things with him. They will have each other for the rest of there lives even if they’re not always super close. One of my best friends is ten years older than me and we have a lot in common and do heaps of things together

ArabSprings · 14/03/2020 14:42

Ok I initially thought this was a terrible idea.

But I’m now struggling to see how this is somehow worse than using artificial insemination???? OP is suggesting the husband is on board, and maybe they both want two kids. At least OP’s kids will have a father who loves them even though he’s away (I know many many people who’s dads worked abroad or divorced when they were young who have grown up to have very happy healthy relationships. My own father lived abroad until I was 22 years old!! I never really knew him apart from a few visits and phone calls. Yet I’m now happily married with children.)

The point is, a sperm donor will never be in your kids’ lives whereas your H will be to a certain extent. If H already speaks to his daughter every day, why would he show less interest in the second child? This may well be a situation that works for this family, though I appreciate it wouldn’t work for everyone.

OP, if you have already made peace with the fact you will be a single parent and are confident you can manage two kids, and your H is fully on board with this plan then I really don’t see anything terribly wrong with it. I agree that being a full sibling will be far less confusing and upsetting for your kids than one of them not even knowing who their father is.

But I would advise you to think about it A LOT before going ahead with it, pros and cons, financial implications etc.

Also I haven’t RTFT but if communication between you and your H isn’t great then that’s something that you’ll both need to work on before embarking on this journey....

Figgygal · 14/03/2020 14:43

Utterly ridiculous

Peasfox · 14/03/2020 14:54

Yeah fuck it why not

This is actually not even close to being the most ridiculous thing I’ve read online today. A few months ago it would have been 😂

Peasfox · 14/03/2020 14:55

I genuinely mean fuck it go for it by the way

If it makes you all happy 🤷‍♀️

DrySnitch · 14/03/2020 14:59

What you going to do when your daughter changes her mind? Pack the baby off to its Dads?

Durgasarrow · 14/03/2020 15:01

FFS

slashlover · 14/03/2020 15:44

So how are you going to explain this to your 8 year old? What if she thinks that this means mummy and daddy are going to get back together?

SomethingBlue22 · 14/03/2020 16:33

Don't be fucking ridiculous

Iloveicedtea · 14/03/2020 17:02

This is quite common.

But I would not have another child with a man who'd emotionally, physically and mentally abused me. I'd be happy I'd got rid of him and have only got the one child to think of. Not only that, I would not want to give him any ideas that we could "potentially" get back together. However, it if was a father where both parents broke up amicably, he lived in the country, he had a good relationship with his existing child and we co-parented and communicated very well, then I don't see the issue.

But ! I'm one of those people that once I break up with someone, I do not go back. Why should I go back, when I can go forwards? Even if the risk is that I won't ever have another DC. I will be sad, but I will be content. I will enjoy my life, take up new hobbies, go travelling with the one DC I have, date for the sake of it. This life is too short, I don't want to be moving backwards and forwards in a relationship that will not work. It's a waste of time.

skinnymarshmallow · 14/03/2020 17:17

Ha ha! I actually get what you're thinking here as I don't like the thought of having children by different men but no this is a can of worms. By some sperm online

skinnymarshmallow · 14/03/2020 17:18

Buy

Original poster
WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 17:20

@Iloveicedtea Smile thank you for that contribution, a lot of truth in there. Smile

OP posts:
SuperMeerkat · 14/03/2020 17:24

Your children will be 9 plus years apart anyway so they’re not going to have a lot in common whether or not they’re full or half siblings. Have some self respect and do it the right way either in a long term relationship or with a donor.

JRUIN · 14/03/2020 17:25

God you're selfish. It's people like you that give women a bad name.

Northernwarrior · 14/03/2020 17:59

Sounds like a winning plan.

Justgorgeous · 14/03/2020 19:58

What a child like view on life you have !

Duckingell · 14/03/2020 22:36

Jeez..

Be happy with one child? I don't understand why on earth you'd want further complications with an ex you want to divorce?

I was pretty amicable with my ex after splitting up when DC was 1 yo. A x u ple of years later he did ask me if I wanted him to provide a sibling for our DC. I laughed. And said NO.

One child was sufficient.

As it happened ex remarried and had two more DC so our DC ended up wtoh siblings anyway.

Ibizafun · 14/03/2020 22:47

Years ago I had a second as a sibling for my first when my marriage was in trouble. It was bloody hard with lots of angst and aggro. I would not give back my son (second) for anything now, and I always tried to compensate for the love of their dad.

I did manage to give them both an amazing step dad, but they do suffer from anxiety and I have no way of knowing how much of that to attribute to this.

In hindsight though, I would not be too concerned about the importance of them having the same dad.. my two are not close and totally different.

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