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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another child with my husband I’m separated from

171 replies

WantAnother4DD · 14/03/2020 07:55

So My hubby and I met 9 years ago and had got married and had a daughter. Said child is now 8 and desperately wants a sibling.

To be honest, I’ve wanted another since she was 2 years old, but my marriage was not in the best state. Lots of fights and eventually we just started managing each other. I tried for a baby 4 years into the marriage but I had a miscarriage and the same month he resigned from his job, so I shelved the Idea.

Anyways I have told him I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I was happy we didn’t have more than one child so hat I could move on and have kids with someone else.

Now we hardly communicate but he sends maintenance for our daughter monthly. I have a good job too so I’m not reliant.

However, My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent. I have only half siblings and it kind of feels like I am an only child sometimes/most times. So I get where she is coming from. I have never really wanted kids from different men so I am leaning into the idea a little bit I think it’s selfish. DD is 8 btw and her dad lives in another country and has been unable to get a visa to come here so I would really be going it alone. I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc...

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 14/03/2020 08:24

Never mind the Aunt, you are bonkers.

How about thinking of the child you have and not stop living some sort of fantasy life. Honestly, you don't need more children, you're not mature enough.

AnotherMurkyDay · 14/03/2020 08:26

I think the 9 year age gap will be a bigger issue than whether their sibling is "half" or not as regards how close they would be. I don't think this is in anyone's best interests.

Skeeter2020 · 14/03/2020 08:28

Oh my god I can't believe what I've just read! This has got to be a joke surely!? Your poor daughter

DrManhattan · 14/03/2020 08:28

Wow

Porcupineinwaiting · 14/03/2020 08:30

What a shitty way to treat a man you once presumably had feelings for.

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2020 08:30

You're planning to 'seduce' him? Will he be happy to have unprotected sex with you? Does he want another kid?

KahlanRahl · 14/03/2020 08:31

They won't be close due to the age gap.
Siblings don't always love each other. I know plenty of people who don't have a relationship with their sibling. So don't ever have a baby to give someone a sibling, only have a baby when you want to have one and when you are in the position to care for them.

And the family you are portraying your child doesn't sound like the ideal example. Divorce would be better.

whattodo2019 · 14/03/2020 08:32

No, that would be so selfish.
The poor child.

Prisonbreak · 14/03/2020 08:39

This should be illegal! I’m not even joking. Deplorable. What makes you think that is acceptable?

CountFosco · 14/03/2020 08:41

They won't be close due to the age gap.

Age gaps don't reallly make a difference, there are 9 years between my sister and I (we have 2 brothers between us) and we have a good relationship. Probably better than if we were very close in age and competitive (there are 18 months between my DDs and it's a different relationship but not automatically closer).

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/03/2020 08:41

What if the 'seduction' doesn't work first time? Are you going to come back every month and 'seduce' your XH? What about if he says no? What about if he decides he doesn't want another child with you?

Your DD doesn't 'need' a sibling, she 'wants' one. She won't have much in common with a 9 year age gap, are you sure she doesn't just want to play babies? And a 13 year old is going to find a four year old incredibly annoying...

Love the one you have. Divorce her father, maybe have children with another man if you meet the right one. Your experience of half siblings won't be hers, and you'll know how to avoid making her feel separate, won't you?

sonjadog · 14/03/2020 08:43

Actually, I know someone who did this. The kids are about 9 years apart too. Now both are grown up and it worked for them. But, the important point is that she was open about it and he was 100% on board with the idea too. Doing it behind his back is a shitty thing to do both to him and your unborn child.

ShopoholicIn · 14/03/2020 08:44

I thought your aunt was crazy but then i read this-
". I would literally have to fly to the country he lives in, seduce him at the right time etc..."

BlueThursday · 14/03/2020 08:48

Get a hamster

AmputatedSoul · 14/03/2020 08:48

OP you seem to think getting pregnant is easy.
My DH and I took 3 years to get pregnant by DTD at the right time every single month.

I don't think hopping on a plane, having a quickie and getting pregnant is realistic! Never mind all of the other things you said!!

RishiSunakFanClub · 14/03/2020 08:49

Stupid, ridiculous, bonkers, mad - take your pick.

curlsnotfrizz · 14/03/2020 08:50

Now we hardly communicate

that will help.

Is there a pet your DD maybe wants?

But seriously, your aunt is ridiculous and you too for even considering it.

curlsnotfrizz · 14/03/2020 08:51

and I could not imagine why your ex would want to act as a sperm donor. does he know he is being considered for this part?

CodenameVillanelle · 14/03/2020 08:52

Absolutely nuts

LolaSmiles · 14/03/2020 08:54

This cannot be real.

You want a divorce, he doesn't, you plan to get in touch, and essentially seduce him into fatherhood? Are you going to be honest about having no contraception? Or tell him you're on the pill/coil/implant and lie?
How stupid?

CherryPavlova · 14/03/2020 08:56

This can’t be real. It’s so very wrong on all sorts of levels.

madcatladyforever · 14/03/2020 09:00

I have half siblings and we are incredibly close. Every case of mixed families is not the same.
Use a sperm donor that looks like your ex husband.

Straycatstrut · 14/03/2020 09:02

You'd use him like that to get you pregnant without his consent? You really want to bring a baby/child/person into the world like that?

Get your DD a pet. If you meet someone else who wants kids then yay. Honestly though I'd NEVER choose to be a single parent. Your DD will end up being a babysitter/helper more than she is a sister.

LapsedVeganAcademic · 14/03/2020 09:05

Madness, I agree. If you want more children, get another partner. Or a sperm donation.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/03/2020 09:09

My aunt has just advised that I quickly have a kid with him as my DD will at least have a sibling of the same parent.

Your aunt is batshit.

How exactly are you and your ex (note the word!) going to bring egg and sperm together? However you do it you'd be mad to try.

Tell your aunt to mind her own business.