To think sahd needs to take the mental load

[Wotnofood]

Maybe iabu but I'm fed up.
Dh worked whilst I was a sahm and I did everything inside the house. In December he announced he was fed up with being the main earner and wanted to be a sahd. I have qualifications in a shortage area so I said OK let me get a job and we can swap.

It's been five weeks and I'm still sorting everything because 'I don't tell him what to do' so came in from work at 8pm tonight and then had to sort kids food tech because nothing had been done, kids hadn't had baths despite having filthy knees from PE, dog not been walked.

Apparently if I had told him these things needed doing he would have, but why couldn't he have asked the kids/used his brain. No one told me what to do

Aibu to expect this from him? I take over all childcare etc at the weekends as I've missed them and he says he needs a break.

He sounds fucking useless, i hope he has redeeming features!

YANBU.
Agree with above PP.
You shouldn't have to do it but until he learns, you'll have to leave the idiot lists. Only for a week though until he gets what he needs to do.
How did you feel about his announcement to give up work and be a SAHD, btw?

Did you do a "handover" of sorts? If not I would maybe just do it now. Write him a list of all the jobs that need to be done and when and I've him grace for another week or two.

YANBU by the way. He really should have figured it out after 5 weeks though. I'm saying give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm actually imagining he's just lazy...

YANBU, it’s not hard to see a grubby kid needs a bath

Yeah, that would piss me off. He hasn't appreciated the work you were doing.

If he hasn't done these things at 8pm then he should be doing them, not you!

I’d be steaming. You’re not his boss, not his mother. You've agreed to what he wanted and he’s being pathetic.

A small period of adjustment is understandable but he’s showing complete disregard for what you did when you were at home and if he wanted to swap he should have got up to speed BEFORE he took over at home.

What’s going to happen now?

He needs to sort his fucking shit out. In the meantime you need to stop picking up the slack. If he has to do it all when you come home so be it.

This one's going to be unanimous, I think :)

The whole " You didn't tell me I needed to do it" is a way if fobbing work off to you. I would be giving him a look as if he is an idiot while asking "You need me to tell you that a visibly dirty child needs to take a bath?" and see what he says.

I'm cross for you. He clearly thought staying at home is an easy ride!

I wrote a manual with everything I thought was helpful, extra curricular locations /times/people to ask for help, and friends house details etc and kids timetables. But I don't think he has ever looked at it. It's taken five weeks to sort the dinner but I don't get any as I'm not home in time (despite years of me cooking two meals a night)

Christ how did he hold down a job for so long if he's so stupid/useless?

@AngstyAnnie When my kids were born, no one wrote me a list.

Where's my list?

Ummm - what we do if you weren’t there? Eg had to work abroad for a week etc etc?
He needs to start thinking for himself.

8pm and he hadn’t thought to walk the dogs? all day?
Are all the DC at school?
He sounds like an utter moron.

I’d have lost my shit. Surely he doesn’t actually need to be told that the dog needs walking for example?! Prick.

..... so he doesn’t want to work and can’t be bothered to work out how to walk the dog and feed the kids when he has all day to do it??? Write him a list, just once, and remind him of his responsibilities.

He’s not a SAHD. He’s just chilling at home. You need to stop catching the ball and ket him drop it.

Does he need told to wipe his arse after he shits?

He’s not taking the physical load never mind the mental load. Do not do these things for him, if you need to tell him it needs done you do just that and don’t enable help his lazy arse.

Is he ok? I ask because he seems to have generally given up, rather than just giving up his job.

Practically though I would give him a handover session/list as suggested , and then treat him like the grown up he is. Leave him to it. He sorts his mistakes , and if stuff isn’t done as you like you need to let it go (within reason).

Ha! He's finding it harder than he expected. Wtf he doesn't cook for you when you always cooked for him? I would be furious about that!

You need to tell him that he either needs to take proper care of his children or get a job.

YANBU! I don’t think it’s fair for any one parent to hold all of the mental load. But he should at least be capable of knowing what he needs to do with the kids whilst he’s in charge. He’s being very unfair.

Oh and obviously if he does neither divorce him. What is the point of him otherwise?

I would 100% bring up that you have cooked for him for years and he isn't cooking for you. How rude!

Sit him down and remind him that when he was working outside the home he came in to an evening meal, bathed children, walked dog etc etc.

Ask him why he feels that now the roles are reversed he is still expecting you to do these things.

However... The cooking two meals thing is daft, surely you cook one meal and plate up an extra portion to heat up later. Clearly you did it the hard way (but ultimately more satisfying for him), but he could at least plate you up an extra bolognese for example!

He's being a lazy twat!