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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think sahd needs to take the mental load

141 replies

Wotnofood · 11/03/2020 20:28

Maybe iabu but I'm fed up.
Dh worked whilst I was a sahm and I did everything inside the house. In December he announced he was fed up with being the main earner and wanted to be a sahd. I have qualifications in a shortage area so I said OK let me get a job and we can swap.

It's been five weeks and I'm still sorting everything because 'I don't tell him what to do' so came in from work at 8pm tonight and then had to sort kids food tech because nothing had been done, kids hadn't had baths despite having filthy knees from PE, dog not been walked.

Apparently if I had told him these things needed doing he would have, but why couldn't he have asked the kids/used his brain. No one told me what to do

Aibu to expect this from him? I take over all childcare etc at the weekends as I've missed them and he says he needs a break.

OP posts:
RishiSunakFanClub · 12/03/2020 09:33

If he doesn't want to have a job and he doesn't want to do what's needed to be a SAHP what's left? A lazy arse. What's the point of him?

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2020 09:56

He's not contributing at all
Tell him to step up or it's over

Isthistrueor · 12/03/2020 10:00

Sounds as though he doesn’t want to work but also doesn’t want to be a SAHD either so basically wants to sit around on his arse all day.

SAHP’s should do most of the legwork around the house and with the kids.

SarahTancredi · 12/03/2020 10:07

How on earth us he still alive if he doesn't know to feed or bath a kid.

And how did he hold down a job whilst apparently needing a manual to even remember to walk a dog Hmm

No one gives out a manual at the hospital for when you get home with a baby...

Curiosity101 · 12/03/2020 10:11

I've not read every response but I'd take a slightly different approach to the suggestions I've seen so far.

If I got home from work I'd be expecting to do 50:50 childcare etc. So I'd ask him what he needs me to do.
At the moment with what you describe, I'd expect a response along the lines of "Nothing" and if that was the case I'd probably respond with "Well I can see the kids need a bath and dinner needs cooking. Which one do you want me to do?"

For ease, I probably would produce a list of daily tasks and less common tasks just so he has a reference point of what might need doing.

BlingLoving · 12/03/2020 10:11

I cam eon this thread to sympathise about how SAHD DH doesn't take on the same mental load eg me organising DD's birthday party, still doin gall the meal planning and shopping etc. I was going to mention that while this is annoying, I do appreciate that there are other things that I haven't done ever like bins, lawn mowing, DIY etc.

But this is a whole different story. He can't even realise kids need feeding and bathing or that the dog needs to be walked? This is completely unacceptable. I don' know what the answer is here but he needs to step the fuck up. You're not his boss. He's not there to enact your instructions.

If you can do this without ripping his balls off, it may be worth sitting down and discussing with him the basics that need to be done each day. Then, you may need to be the one to remember other stuff, but whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of DOING it. I've had to learn this lesson. It still annoys me I'm organising DD's party, but am better now about telling DH he needs to do x or y.

YakkityYakYakYak · 12/03/2020 10:14

Spent a lot of (far too much) time reading into how differently men and women function, and they do genuinely struggle with household things as it’s not in their nature

No. Just no. Women aren’t biologically programmed to be good at housework. It’s social conditioning. We cannot just continue to accept this crap.

Brefugee · 12/03/2020 10:16

you wrote a manual and he's still useless? leave him to it. Kids are dirty? meh
House is untidy? meh
He's not cooking for you? household budget for your takeaway

any chance you can move out for a month? leave him to it? Frankly in your shoes I'd be using the D word. Constantly.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/03/2020 10:29

Apparently if I had told him these things needed doing he would have, but why couldn't he have asked the kids/used his brain. No one told me what to do

These are things that being a sahp need to do with out being asked.

He wanted your life but doesn’t seem “qualified” to do it
As a sahp the job description is actually see what needs doing then do it. Then think ahead about what needs doing and then doing it.
If he needs you to tell him then he isn’t qualified to do the job.

Waveysnail · 12/03/2020 10:34

We did this. A couple of weeks of me whats apping constantly to check he done things. He soon.pulled his socks up

opticaldelusion · 12/03/2020 10:38

Don't give him a manual. Don't pick up the slack. He'll get there in the end. The kids are unlikely to die whilst he's learning how to adult.

opticaldelusion · 12/03/2020 10:42

Spent a lot of (far too much) time reading into how differently men and women function, and they do genuinely struggle with household things as it’s not in their nature

I would love to hear which bits of someone's biological sex are innately configured for housework.

You need to change your reading matter because what you've been reading so far is a load of billy-bollox.

saraclara · 12/03/2020 10:51

I would make a huge chart, hang it on the kitchen wall, with all the chores and things he needs to do for his home his kids and his dog

That. It's annoying, but you have to rid him of any excuses. He can't say he didn't know if it's up there in black and white.
He needs a schedule and a to do list, discussed with you as you write it. Like it or not, if you want things to change, you WILL have to be his project manager initially. But make it clear that eventually he will have to start doing the thinking, too.

Brefugee · 12/03/2020 10:55

YANBU for wanting him to help more but YABU for expecting him to just know what to do, this isn’t an ability engrained in most men so you really do often need to write a list

my eyes just rolled so far back i really do have those eyes in the back of the head i told my DCs all mums have.

It is bollocks. Complete and utter hogswash. The kind of thing that has kept women from having the lives they want for centuries. It belongs in the bin of history.

OP wrote a FUCKING MANUAL (OP, you should make it generic and publish it. You can retire and kick your lazy DH out) and yet the Great Man can't do stuff? fuck that shit.

OP if you really think you can't leave these things, don't do them. Supervise while your DH does them. Every time. Until either he gets it or you stab and patio him.

BiddyPop · 12/03/2020 10:56

So now you are earning for the household, and running at least part of the household, and he is not even organising food for you to be fuelled up to keep on top of all that?!!

I would be doing a lot of yelling, and contemplating whether I really wanted to stay at work with that level of "support"....

EKGEMS · 12/03/2020 11:27

"Not ingrained in their nature" I have found the THE MISSING LINK spouting caveman garbage

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2020 11:41

He thought you had an easy life being a SAHP. He's now realising that you really didn't.

You've written him the manual. If he can't even be arsed to read it, I'm not sure there's much hope. Personally, I'd whack him over the head with it.

strawberrylipgloss · 12/03/2020 12:00

Yanbu

He should be proactively talking to you and the kids, using calendars etc It's been 5 weeks! How can he not even know Food Tech Day

DontBe · 12/03/2020 13:33

Ask him who wrote your list...

categoricallycrackers · 12/03/2020 13:53

I have a SAHD, my advice to you is to selfishly navigate your way through things. In the weekly shop buy a few ready meals or what not. Devise simple dinners. I often call my other half and ask him to slick a baked potato in before I leave work. Everything else, just leave it. Don't take over. It's hard but otherwise he won't do it...you will. Endure the kids not being washed and the house a tip, if they are hungry and ask you...tell them to go ask dad, not your responsibility any more. Bite your tongue. Don't criticise, just let him work it out. After some time, he should get into a rhythm. If not it will be obvious it's a shambles and he'll be begging to get back to work.

mbosnz · 12/03/2020 14:34

A couple of SAHD's, (and it's insulting real SAHD's to call them that), that I've known had gaming addictions. The kids ran feral around them, the housework didn't get done, meals didn't get cooked. Any housework, cooking and parenting got done by the mother when they got home - from their work as a doctor and an extremely senior IT person.

One of those SAHD's - I possibly had a leedle too much to drink at a Christmas function and gave him his bloody pedigree. Interestingly enough, a few months later he re-entered the workforce. I don't know, but I truly hope, that part of that was being called on his selfish bullshit.

Of course he knew the dog needed walking, and the children needed bathing and feeding. He was just waiting for you to come and do it, so he didn't have to.

He's not a stay at home parent. He's a cocklodger.

justmyview · 12/03/2020 14:41

I probably would produce a list of daily tasks and less common tasks just so he has a reference point of what might need doing

I might draw attention to one or two things that someone could reasonably be forgiven for forgetting / not knowing, but that's it

Presumably this man previously managed to get to work without anyone writing him a schedule to have breakfast and wash his face? He's pretending to forget all this stuff because he's relying on OP picking up the slack

Brefugee · 12/03/2020 14:57

OP wrote a bloody manual - lists and sticker charts just add to her load.

OP - ignore everything except the kind of things that your DH would do when he was working outside the home. Learn to let the rest slide. It's your only hope, really.

Popl · 12/03/2020 15:39

This isn't working. He needs to go back to work

LoveIsLovely · 12/03/2020 15:45

@Electrical you hit the nail on the head.

The day I write a list for my husband is the day I walk out of my marriage. He's not fucking stupid, he can see the floor needs to be hoovered and the dishes need to be washed.

Some women are desperate, really.