To think sahd needs to take the mental load

[Wotnofood]

Maybe iabu but I'm fed up.
Dh worked whilst I was a sahm and I did everything inside the house. In December he announced he was fed up with being the main earner and wanted to be a sahd. I have qualifications in a shortage area so I said OK let me get a job and we can swap.

It's been five weeks and I'm still sorting everything because 'I don't tell him what to do' so came in from work at 8pm tonight and then had to sort kids food tech because nothing had been done, kids hadn't had baths despite having filthy knees from PE, dog not been walked.

Apparently if I had told him these things needed doing he would have, but why couldn't he have asked the kids/used his brain. No one told me what to do

Aibu to expect this from him? I take over all childcare etc at the weekends as I've missed them and he says he needs a break.

He isn't a SAHD, he is an unemployed man who contributes nothing to family life. Lazy arse

Tell him to read the manual tomorrow while the kids are at school.

came in from work at 8pm tonight and then had to sort kids food tech because nothing had been done, kids hadn't had baths despite having filthy knees from PE, dog not been walked.

He seems to be sitting with his feet up all day, and then you come home to do all the chores he hasn't.

You're going to have to stop picking up after him. Of course he knows the dog needs to be walked... but he also knows that if he leaves it, you'll do it for him.

Did he tell you what needed doing when you were a sahm?

How old are your children? Do they actually need a sah parent? Surely the only reason you could justify sah is by doing all of the things you say he’s not doing??

I kind of think it’s taking the piss for you to stay at home with the kids are small and need looking after but when they’re at school and there’s 6 hours of child-free time in the day-HE fancies doing it??!

Did he need a manual to be able to figure out how to repeatedly impregnate OP? How to function as an adult? How to keep his job? No? So you’re funding him to be a deadbeat, unemployed loser while his kids are at school and he’s lying about, neglecting your pets, failing to parent, and presumably still being sexually serviced?? RIDICULOUS.

Posters are like ‘he needs to be shown!’/‘males don’t see what needs doing!!’ just humiliating themselves online, showing how desperate for a man they are. Do they walk into King Cocks job to ‘show them’? Do these Lord ManBrain ‘not know’ their arses need wiped, or that lights need turned off, or just spray their ejaculate wildly until a LadyBrain shows them how to force kids into the sham of a household? No?
OPs husband is failing the household, he isn’t coping, despite being a ‘SAHP’ to kids who aren’t even there all day, so he can fuck off to employment, and fund childcare.

I think the line a poster used up thread about not being his ‘project manager’ could be effective and agree he is acting as though he is unemployed rather than taking on the role you have left.

I suspect he thought that being a SAHP would be a doddle and that when you were doing it, he thought you did fuck all every day. He therefore suggested it as he thought it would be a jolly!

I work from home 20 hours a week and run the home, clean all of the house, do all the cooking and do 95% of the child rearing.

My other half still thinks that I do fuck all and that I'm on a jolly while he works. He has no fucking idea! He simply would not cope doing everything that I do.

Sounds like your other half feels the same.

How fucking embarrassing. If I had the earning capacity DH does I would totally go to work and let him be the SAHP. I went away for two weeks last year and he stayed at home with the kids, and I’m embarrassed to say he did a much better job than I do.

He had never spent that long alone with the children in the 12 years we have been together, and I was really worried and also wrote a “manual” of mental load stuff. Sport days, what uniforms for certain days, library days, what they eat and don’t eat blah blah blah. He literally didn’t need it. And I came home to a show home quality house. It was fucking spotless. He even organised the Tupperware cupboards that had been a mess for a decade.

Your DH is a lazy twat.

Oh ffs! Has he ears, eyes and a functioning brain and limbs? Sounds like yes!

After 5 weeks he really should be using the sense he was born with and have FIGURED IT THE FUCK OUT!!

HE wanted to be a sahd (I suspect he thought it was easy) so HE needs to figure it out, grow the fuck up and get on with it!

He’s not being a sahd he’s being a lazy unemployed cocklodger!

I’d have gone apeshit!! First thing I’d have said would’ve been “wtf have you been doing all day?! Clearly not much if there’s still all this shit to be done!”

Some interesting links:

https://www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-9

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Strategic%20Incompetence&amp=true

He worked in a decent job and organised people so I can't see how its that difficult to run a house. it’s not difficult - he thinks it’s beneath him, but not beneath you!

Quite honestly I’m not sure with high school age dc that anyone needs to be a sahp.

You were a sahp when they were younger that’s when the hard yards especially physically are put in!

He is PLAIN LAZY!

In your position, I would get a bit ranty at him. As a pp said:

"He’s not a SAHD. He’s just chilling at home. You need to stop catching the ball and ket him drop it."

It will negatively impact your kids for a short time, while he rund the learning curve, but once they have two competent parents they'll benefit a lot more. You need to tell him that it's his job to work out what needs doing. He didn't tell you what to do when you were the SAHM and you aren't going to tell him. But if he doesn't get good at it he'll need to go back to work and you can hire a nanny/housekeeper instead because if he isn't prepared to actually make it his job then it's unfair on you and the kids for him to be at home. You might also point out that it's pretty damn insulting that he seems not to have realised that this was part of what he was signing up for. You have done years of this and apparently he didn't even notice.

How old are the kids Op? When they know what ingredients they need for food tech can he ask them to add them to the shopping list, as long as the ingredients are in the house they can pack them for school. Are they old enough to know they are dirty and independently bath or shower?

You’ve put in the hard physical work of young kids but as he’s at home and they are older he needs to do the thinking but get the kids to start taking responsibility for some of their needs.

He still needs to walk the dog and cook for everyone if he is childfree at home for 6 hours a day.

He needs to cook your meal if you did his. How dare he.

If the kids are secondary age, he should just go back to work - they don't need a sahp.
He does sound like a moron though.

@Wotnofood Sorry if someone's asked this already but is there a possibility he's suffering from depression or there's something else going on?

How are the kids feeling about this change in circumstances?

You need to break him the idea that you will Do Everything when you get in at 8pm. Spend a few evenings in the pub or at the gym and come in and go straight to bed and then go straight out again to work. Or don't come home at all. If he had to deal with the consequences in the morning then he wouldn't be sitting on his arse all evening.

"He didn't want to be a sahd, he wanted to be a lazy prick, because that's what he believed you were."

Agree with this OP! You dont seem mad enough about it to be honest. I could forgive the food tech as it's not obvious but not noticing kids were dirty and not walking a dog because you didnt tell him to are awful. As is not cooking you a meal when you did it for him and the kids are at school so he has plenty time to.

Some of the stuff he is doing is lazy or stupid. Given he had a decent job he must just be pretending to be shit so you have to organise him or sort stuff out yourself. I'd be so upset if my husband didnt work and I did and he couldn't be bothered to leave me some dinner. Complete lack of consideration and respect

He's lazy and he's telling you he doesn't give a shit about his dog, his children or you. He's neglecting all of you.

What the fuck did he envisage a SAHD to be?

He’s not a SAHD. He’s just chilling at home. You need to stop catching the ball and let him drop it

Agree with this

He didn't want to be a sahd, he wanted to be a lazy prick, because that's what he believed you were

Got it in one.

He isn’t a SAHD he’s a lazy dosser who’s acting how he thought you must have been able too.

So he's not just tired of paid work, he wants to sit on his arse?

Not making light of your situation OP but thought this was relevant (agree with PPs that he thought you did fuck-all whilst being a sahp, cheeky bugger)

Also bet good money he's on the xbox all day.

This is not a new situation; there are folk tales about a husband insisting on a role swap because he thinks his lot is so much harder than his wife's, and finding that the domestic front did not run itself.
He thought that you had an easy life because you were doing a good, efficient job, the "art that conceals art". In the same way, a truly skilled dancer, skater or musician makes their artistry look effortless.
His problem now is admitting this to you (and himself) without losing face. If you pick up the slack, he can kid himself that it wasn't really that tough after all. Watch out for deliberate incompetence; he's waiting for you to get exasperated and say "Oh give it here!" and it may go against the grain to grit your teeth and let things go a bit haywire. If the DC start complaining to you, cheerfully deflect with "That's Daddy's department now!"