To think sahd needs to take the mental load

[Wotnofood]

Maybe iabu but I'm fed up.
Dh worked whilst I was a sahm and I did everything inside the house. In December he announced he was fed up with being the main earner and wanted to be a sahd. I have qualifications in a shortage area so I said OK let me get a job and we can swap.

It's been five weeks and I'm still sorting everything because 'I don't tell him what to do' so came in from work at 8pm tonight and then had to sort kids food tech because nothing had been done, kids hadn't had baths despite having filthy knees from PE, dog not been walked.

Apparently if I had told him these things needed doing he would have, but why couldn't he have asked the kids/used his brain. No one told me what to do

Aibu to expect this from him? I take over all childcare etc at the weekends as I've missed them and he says he needs a break.

He’s not a SAHD. He’s just chilling at home. You need to stop catching the ball and ket him drop it.

I think that’s the thing.

What a disappointment OP. For you and your children.

Side note, but are you happy back working out of the house? Knowing it’s all going to shit at home must be very stressful.

Thanks, you are right problem is I feel if I don't do it the people who suffer are the kids and his! Dog.

If the issue is him "not remembering" then he can run around and sort out all his mistakes when you get in from work.

There's no reason for you to have to do it.

Five weeks is early days. There’s still time for him to learn the ropes as it were and for the two of you to figure it out.

I work part time but got really exhausted a while ago and couldn’t work out why - DH would talk about my ‘days off’ and is be baffled why I didn’t feel great with all my ‘time off’!!! Then I realised everything I was doing and discovered the concept of the ‘mental load’ and ‘emotional labour’ and realised just why I was exhausted!

A couple of rows later and giving him a link to an article on mental load and we figured it out. We listed everything that needs doing (housework, childcare, planning breaks and holidays, etc) and allocated them. He has certain areas that are his responsibility and vice versa. We can delegate if needed though. There are still flash points and slip ups but things run more smoothly without me having to hold everything in mind.

All that to say, my DH didn’t have a clue about ‘mental load’ stuff until I introduced him to the concept and luckily he’s a fab bloke and got it. Your DH is on a learning curve. He may just need a chance to step back and see that it’s something that requires many of the same skills as a job. He also may realise that doing a paid job is in some ways easier and may ask to swap back! Eek!

He needs to step it up and understand that the point of having a SAHP is that their job is to ensure the day to day running of the home. He's being a useless prick and has decided that he'll slob around the house rather than go to work.

As for approaching it, check its that he's being lazy - it could be a mental health issue, he does sound like he's given up. Then sit down and talk him through it, I think in this situation going off at him will make him do even less (if that's possible). He has to understand that being a SAHP only works when he actually does things.

Lol you’re not being unreasonable 103% sounds about right!

I quite like being at work, I'm good at it, however it's mentally and physically hard, if I was a single parent I wouldn't choose this role, I'd rather earn less in a lower role if I had to run the house and kids as well.
I think husband thought I was on a lifelong jolly being a sahm. I did feel lucky which is why I did all the home admin etc.

He sounds less like a SAHD & more like a babysitter. Which is a bit pathetic in a supposedly adult man.

What has he done? I work PT and have done most of the things he hasn't today. DP has managed to walk the dog twice and works FT Sounds like he has no clue about what is needed to make a house run. Had he ever done anything round the house?
You need to talk to him.
I know no-one gave me a list, but aybr help him to write one just to save your sanity. He does sound a bit useless though.

Urgh he's just sitting at home watching box sets I bet. You'll tell him everything he needs to do and then he'll trot out the old "you have higher standards than me" bullshit.

You'll have to go nuclear and say it's not acceptable. Give him a deadline to sort it out (1 week).

You need to remind him that you aren’t his Project Manager. Tell him that by swapping roles it means just that, not that you go out to work AND sort the Life Admin while he gets to scratch his arse at home and do the bare minimum.

I wouldn’t get into playing games with letting him drop balls and the kids pay for it- you need a proper sit down conversation where everything is put on the table.

What a lazy bellend. You need to sit him down and remind him what you did when he worked, and ask if he thinks he should do the same for you now. What does he do all day?? Gah.

And get h8m to read your manual!

Cross on your behalf!

He needed to be told his kids need to eat and wash?

I would tell him he has a couple months to get up to scratch or you are swapping back over!

He can consider himself on probation

He didn't want to be a sahd, he wanted to be a lazy prick, because that's what he believed you were.

You've said you already wrote a manual of sorts, well if he wants to act that stupid and childish I would make a huge chart, hang it on the kitchen wall, with all the chores and things he needs to do for his home his kids and his dog.... Maybe give him a sticker for every job he completes successfully

Ok, maybe I wouldn’t phrase it exactly like that.

But you are learning how to be back at work. He also needs to learn his new role and if he isn’t prepared to do it properly he shouldn’t get to keep it - he wouldn’t expect to if he was getting paid!

He didn't want to be a sahd, he wanted to be a lazy prick, because that's what he believed you were.

• exactly this!

He didn't want to be a sahd, he wanted to be a lazy prick, because that's what he believed you were.

Ding ding ding!!!!

Maybe wouldn’t put it so bluntly, but there’s definitely a mismatch between what he thought you did all day and what you actually did all day as a sahm.

The mental load associated with running a house and everything involved with having kids is often underestimated imo.

I reckon your DH had no idea how much you did - both seen and unseen and is is for more of a shock that he could imagine.

Don’t mollycoddle, set out what needs doing to him very clearly and tell him to get cracking.

What does he actually DO all day then?

If your kids have food tech then I'm assuming they're secondary school aged? If so then he has zero excuses. He is literally doing fuck all all day long. If you have 2 neurotypical school aged kids then as a sahp the house should be spotless, dinner made, and everything organised. And that should still leave most competent adults with plenty of down time. He needs a break at the weekend? From what, playing video games all week? What a total twat. Give him another few weeks to sort it out then tell him he needs to find a job.

Feeding the kids isn't taking on the mental load. Kids need feeding. Does he really need this written down?

Perhaps he needs some structure. Although it seems ridiculous, would it be worth writing out a schedule for him with meal times, dog care, chores, shopping, meal plans, bath times etc. If you've always done everything perhaps he genuinely doesn't know what needs doing around the house.

I don't have a dog, I've never had a dog, but even without someone writing me my own personal life manual I would know a dog needed walking.

I can't believe you wrote him a manual.

Had he always been a selfish prick?

You expected him to read the instructions?

Keep pointing him back to that manual, or buy him a whiteboard so he can do a timetable or something.

We did a similar swap and it does get easier.