Not invited to the day do AIBU

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

I know, I get it, it’s the Bride and Grooms day, but you see I offered as a wedding gift as they were struggling with costs, to pay for a big item for the wedding. It was my pleasure to help them have a dream day. They’re friends I think a lot of them and I know what it’s like to struggle for an event like this.

Recently I’ve been more than usually ill so have been out of circulation for just over 8 weeks but have been messengering etc. But I’ve noticed that I’ve been unincluded on a few things that I was originally due to be included in without being told I’m unicluded. only found out by seeing pictures on Facebook that sort of things. I shrugged it off as they knew I’d been pretty poorly and had assumed (probably correctly) that I wasn’t up to it. But I thought it would have been nice just to have had it confirmed with me that I wasn’t, if you know what I mean.

I’ve been waiting for the bill for the wedding item to come in (kind of expecting it within the next few weeks) Wedding in August, only to come home to an invite arriving through the post for the evening only!

The thing I’m paying for (don’t want to say what as it would ‘out’ me) is most defo day time only thing and I’m gutted that I won’t be able to see it in the setting of the wedding and only being included in the evening which is a bit of a hike from me.

I’m trying not to be all “stuff you”, trying to be all “it’s their day” but I’m genuinely disappointed that I’m not invited to the day. AIBU? What would you do?

I am so sorry you are ill. Put yourself and your health before this couple. I would go with @UniversalAunt 's message.

WolfGirl: The only acceptable scenario I can think of is she only added up costs after you agreed to pay and realised they really couldn't invite anyone bar first degree family, but I take it that's not the case?
.......
I wondered that too.

If that is not the case, bin them!

Don't pay, and tell her why! The friendship's dead anyway and if you just give her some bullshit cop-out, you're not doing her the favour of telling her clearly that "this is not an acceptable way to treat a friend". I think @famousforwrongreason's approach is absolutely spot on.

@Teenplustwenties.
Please do this.
And/or something with dh.
Please please do not pay for this. I have known some CFs in my time but really, they are totally taking the piss.

I would rsvp that I couldn't go, and wouldn't say anything about your gift. If they ask about it I'd say that it seems that they didn't value your friendship as much as you had hoped since you haven't been included in things, and it now doesn't seem an appropriate gift, esp in your difficult personal circumstances.

I'm sorry for your difficult prognosis. You sound like a wonderful friend. Time to concentrate on your other good friends and cut these twerps loose.

I know it’s probably a daft question OP, but when you offered this very generous gift, they did definitely accept?? You had a proper conversation about it and confirmed it all with them?

It’s not something like they thought you were ill so wouldn’t be doing it any more?

I’d contact her and say you notice you haven’t been invited to key events and are now only invited to the evening do .....AND HAVE REALISED THAT I MAY HAVE MISJUDGED THE DEPTH OF OUR FRIENDSHIP AND OFFERED AN INAPPROPRIATE LEVEL OF GIFT, ergo now presume that she no longer requires your very expensive gift of travel.

^ I like this^ (I've added a bit!)

Having read your latest update OP their attitude isn't 'simply' rude and entitled but is actually very unkind. You'd have to be extraordinarily thick skinned to accept such a generous gesture from someone who's in poor health with a prognosis like yours, and then treat them like an afterthought. They clearly believe their 'need' is greater than yours! Even if you'd had an all day invite, and irrespective of your generosity, they should have firmly and politely declined your offer right from the start as your earnings have been adversely affected by time away from work.

The friendship is over. Shockingly rude of them.

I'd tell them something like:

"Thank you for letting me know where I stand in your lives. As a result, I know you'll understand that I'll no longer be paying for your transport to the wedding. That's clearly an expense close family and friends should be picking up, not me."

and then RSVP no and have a lovely long weekend with your DH. He sounds lovely.

No need for me to reiterate what everyone else has said, it’s blindingly obvious that you shouldn’t gift this unicorn to this greedy friend. Someone said above, gift them the deposit and let them pay for the rest themselves, I think that’s the best way right now - but I did want to say I think it might be better for your health to stand up for yourself here. You’re going to resent them and you’re going to miss the 600 smackers too. Don’t give yourself reasons to regret - I’m certain you’ll be resentful, and anyone would be! Spend it on your birthday holiday.

Dear Friend
Thank you for the evening invitation.
I have clearly misread our friendship and as such overstepped boundaries offering to pay for X.
I will be politely declining your invite and of course withdrawing my offer also.
Wishing you luck on your big day and in your future
OP

UPDATE I’ve just sent a text saying “Dear (Friend), just received your wedding invite, guessing by handwriting CB is helping with that, lol. Thank you so much for considering my health by not expecting me to attend the day event but I can assure you I’m sure I’ll be up to it. I’d love to be there if only to see you arrive in a blaze of glory. I know how important it was to you to have your dream “dragon pulled golden chariot’ , hence my offer to pay for it. Will you let CB know or would you like me to do it for you? I know you are so busy organising everything else.” Love Mumof........

Let’s see what happens .. if it turns out that there was no CFkery going on by CB then I’ll withdraw the offer. Thank you everyone on Mumsnet for showing me I wasn’t being precious and the advice and head wobbling that’s helped me word the above. Xxx

I'm getting married this year and I certainly dont expect gifts from evening attendees is this the norm?!?!

Only £600 ones!

Can't believe what a CF she is being

I'm horrified by this. You have been so generous and frankly a decent person would have politely declined such as expensive gift from a friend.

However to accept it and then only invite you to the evening reception is beyond rude

Wishing you good health

The friendship is over, do not pay. Have you asked yourself whether she would do the same for you?

Check the T&C's of the transport company.

If you have paid a deposit then you may well have signed something agreeing to pay the balance so it might not be that easy to walk away from.

Check that out first.

But I'm with the majority above. Decline the invite but leave the deposit (did you say £100) as your gift.

OP please don't pay that money until you find out what's going on...

I think the friendship is probably ruined anyway so just ask her what's going on. Tell her you are incredibly hurt and disappointed that you are not invited to her entire wedding. That she should have made this clear to you from the beginning and that it was incredibly selfish of her to accept such a large gift from you if she didn't feel you were a good enough friend to attend her whole day. Tell her that's it's ok to have a very small wedding, family only, but it's certainly not ok to accept such a large gift from someone who is not worth the price of a dinner to her and tell her that you will be withdrawing your offer and your friendship.

Good for you OP!

We are rooting for you- you dont deserve to be treated like this.

SnickettyLemon Wed 11-Mar-20 18:33:57
I would reply " Dear B and G , thank you for the evening invite, I would love to attend. By the way I am glad you managed to arrange alternative transport to what I offered you!"

I like this one.

I do hope it’s been a mistake, you’ve been very magnanimous.

Please don't pay. If you lose the deposit, then that is your gift to them. Please spend the money on your holiday. I'm really cross on your behalf.

You don't have to give any explanation other than the truth.

Well you do sound like a lovely person Op but unfortunately some people see that as a chance to take advantage
I would never have accepted £600 from a friend towards my wedding unless I had been friends with them for many years and they were incredibly wealthy, in fact I doubt I would even the
The Bride is a CF for letting you pay this and even more so for not inviting you to the wedding. Please don’t pay for it, use the money for something nice for yourself, it sounds like you deserve it

Aw EXCELLENT message!!

Nooooo OP I don't think you should have sent that text. I know you are really upset by this and have every right to be but that text was very.....wet. Sorry. You should have sent 'Hi just seeing that aswell as being excluded from X and Y events recently that you have now downgraded me to evening guest. I have no idea why this has happened but I'm sure you can agree that my gift would be completely over the top now that I see where we stand. For these reasons I will not be paying for transport.'

Seriously OP this friendship is over so don’t waste any more of your money on them .