Colleague doesnt talk at all

[Sarah510]

So I share an office with another woman - our work is separate so we don't "need" to talk about work, well it would be interesting for me to hear about what she's doing but she doesn't ever share anything. But more than that, she goes for days without speaking except 'hello' and sometimes a 'bye'. The rest of the day we just work in silence. It makes me feel a bit weird and to be honest a bit lonely. I have tried to make conversation but she always shuts it down straight away one-word answer so I haven't initiated any conversations this week, and it's been silence all day every day, so I guess it's what she wants. She is busy I get it, but it does feel weird to me. AIBU

We have 2 colleagues who wfh part of the week. They are more productive WFH but that's a lot to do with not being interrupted by customers (not necessarily their work mates) and its flexible for other life commitments. But both say they wouldnt want to wfh the whole week as too isolating. I would rather work on my own than be in a room where someone ignored me 99% of the time.
I'm amazed how many posters seem to think the OP is going to be wittering on all day because she ideally needs more than one word of communication all day. Like shes meant to feel grateful for that!

a lovely friendly buzzy office where people chat but also get on with their work.

Do you understand the concept that some people's work requires their full attention?

This used to be me OP so I totally understand. Sitting in absolute silence in an office with another person is absolutely soul destroying. It's hard to explain unless you've experienced it day in day out. I lasted 7 months and left the job - I honestly felt like I couldn't breathe towards the end.

Is there any possibility of asking to move to a different office?

And she said 'hi' when she came in, and I said 'hi how are you' and she said 'fine'.

Not asking 'how are you?' in return is what makes this rude rather than just quiet or anxious. I would be asking to move offices and saying that your colleague has made it clear she would rather not speak to you and that makes for a very uncomfortable working atmosphere.

But the op can get her small talk. Just not from this person. She doesn't have to go the whole day without talking to another person. She has already said she can go for a wander every hour or so. She could arrange to meet them during her lunchtime. Isn't that already enough small talk to get a person through a working day?

The op wants to have a nose about the work colleague is doing, even though it's not her role so no teamwork needed. Perhaps the colleague has picked up on this already. Maybe she's leaning over a bit too much when colleague in on the phone.

Ohh here's one - colleague could be one of those secret bosses and is panicking about getting caught, so going for the quiet approach so she doesn't accidentally reveal something. 😀

I agree WFH all the time cab be too isolating, but it's convenient once I'm a while.

I prefer being in the office, but even so, there are days where we say nothing gmore than hi/bye. Other days are chattier, but ir can depend on what's going on with work, how much focus someone needs - or if they have questions about work.

I'd be a bit sad if I didn't know the basic details about work colleagues (e.g. has a wife and baby who doesn't sleep/is moving house soon/just acquired a new nephew/bit worried about her isolated mum). It makes life that little bit more interesting and social.

There is no way anyone at work would know any detail like this about me. They know I'm married and have children and that's it. They know nothing about my life or what I do outside of work.

I know a few have looked for me on Social Media, as they've said they couldn't find me on Facebook, etc.

Not asking 'how are you?' in return is what makes this rude rather than just quiet or anxious.

Except that we don’t know the quiet colleague’s side of this - maybe she knows from past experience that asking OP how she is opens the floodgates (my previous colleague was like this; ask her how her weekend was and she’d tell you. At length).

BrightYellowDaffodil- asking how someone is in return is basic politeness. Should the OP’s colleague also stop saying ‘hello’ to her every morning for the fear that OP may utter more than 2 words in response?

Yes, it is basic politeness. But then so is knowing when to shut up and if the person in question is finding their politeness is being abused by someone who uses any social interactions as an excuse to talk on and on, and won’t take the hint when the person to whom they’re talking doesn’t want an extensive chat, then they have every right to say politeness be damned for the sake of their sanity.

I'm not sure why a lot of people are assuming that the OP is bore who doesnt know when to stop talking? Shes literally said she spends days in silence with her colleague. She didnt say " I spent 20 min telling her about the offers in my local corner shop, and half an hour about my dogs hernia operation, and she didnt say anything in response or even ask how fido was the next day"

Your DS has good reason. If this woman doesn’t have special needs, it’s rude.

That's funny, you think Aspergers means the previous poster's son has a good reason, yet just three minutes before that you posted the following:

She’s very rude anyway, spectrum or not.

You are aware Aspergers is part of the spectrum right? You've managed to contradict yourself within the space of three minutes. One minute you say not chatting is rude, whether a person is on the spectrum or not. The next you're saying having Aspergers is a good excuse not to chat. So, which is it?

The op also says could have spoken to people for her small talk. She could have gone for a walk every hour or so. She could have also gone and talked to her chattier colleagues during her lunch break.

The op has already said although they work in the same department, different areas and she wants to talk to the colleague about some of the interesting sounding phone calls.

Is there honestly a chance that you have a bit of a rep? If the colleague was talking to a few people during the training, they might know each other from outside work. And remember some people are two-faced, besties to your face and stabbing you in the back the rest of the time,

I am an introvert and while I don't like a lot of small talk, I think I'd still find this sort of situation quite depressing. This isn't about wasting time at work or not doing the job you are hired for but we are all human and everyone wants at least some light conversation even at work. I'd hate to be in an environment where I had to spend all my day with a colleague, who either doesn't talk at all or one you have absolutely nothing in common with.

@Sarah510 I'd still encourage you not to take it personally. This lady clearly doesn't like talking and her desire to walk to the same training session separately from you only to arrive seconds later is still to do with the same thing: she likely wants to avoid the chatter she might have to make along the way.

If you absolutely cannot bear this, I'd seriously suggest a request to move office and if that's not possible, then it would be a cause to look for another job for me. It sounds quite dramatic but we do spend a lot of time at work and there is nothing worse than feeling weird, uncomfortable or unhappy every day you are at work!

Not asking 'how are you?' in return is what makes this rude rather than just quiet or anxious.

Balls.
It's what makes it more likely to be anxiety based. A person can have communication anxiety whilst being competent in other ways. It's like having a spider phobia. If you see an ant, it doesn't trigger the phobic response in the same way. None of us assume spider phobic people are choosing their reaction (which is an anxiety based reaction) because they aren't triggered by an ant.

Yet for people with communication anxiety, which is similar to phobia, we make this same assumption all the time. "She speaks to customers on the phone, so she chooses not to speak to me" - well, the customer on the phone is part of this business persona and much more like a spider in a glass box. The conversation is business focused and not "small talk".
She talks to her mum and best friend, so she's choosing not to talk to me - well, mum and best friend are like tiny money spiders, you are more of a tarantula especially if you send out disapproving vibes, as this will increase this person's anxiety around speaking to you.

The classic pattern for communication anxiety is to do with communicative "risk". This is calculated in the amygdala and out of the person's conscious control. Basically:
Rote speech is low risk
Rehearsed speech is low risk
Speech made in a professional capacity in which you are expert is lower risk
Conversation openers are high risk
Initiating conversation is high risk
"Basic politeness" is high risk, because the person will have suffered immense pressure on them since toddlerhood to "be polite".

This person is showing classic signs of communication stress. Be understanding.

Isn't just repeating 'how are you?' rote speech and therefore low risk?

No, because it is an invitation to further responding.
People with communication anxiety can often respond a little bit because they don't want to be seen as rude. However asking "how are you" effectively prolongs the interaction by inviting another return.

All of this is subconscious. The person doesn't think "if I say how are you, they will reply about their cold and I will have to make a further sympathetic comment and suggest a remedy and they will say they've already tried it and then I won't know what to say..". The words just get stuck of their own accord.

Yes. Very few people asking “how are you?” actually want chapter and verse. It’s a polite greeting only.

Isn't everything, with the possible exception of 'Goodbye', an invitation to further responding?

buttery puffin
Not necessarily.
If you say "where's the stapler?" I can reply "on the windowsill" - that gives the required info and effectively ends the interaction.

If you say "what did you think of the film Parasite?" Then you are opening a chat up. I may close it down by saying something very brief eg "it was great" but not expanding further. Or I may not be able to answer at all.

Short factual responses are much easier than opinions or perspective taking.

@Callimanco thank you so much for explaining communication anxiety.
It's the first time I have heard about this, and omg I can relate to everything you posted.

I also get told I fucking rude a lot etc because in some areas I'm very confident. Give me a phone or screen and I can chat shite all day long. In other areas, I completely clam up when it comes to the small talk and other things,

I can stand in front of a room full of people and be confident in delivering training. It's fine.
The break comes, I'm looking to get the hell out of there to avoid the 'small talk'. People are still standing up and I've left.
I've turned down loads of things over the years to avoid small talk.

The cold outside stuff. As I have said countless times, either no response or a no shit Sherlock answer. The later I do to close down small talk.

The situations where I am stuck and cannot escape the small talk, as a coping thing, I 'enable' by encouraging them to talk. There's also an element of other than the very basic info, why do you need to know everything about me. Even though I suppose encourage it in a way, I really don't care about peoples lives (personality disorder). and clearly not in the me me me the way.

I'm not sure now whether to bring this up when I get reassessed. They think I have something in addition to my current diagnosis. Haha, maybe it's this. But now I am going to look into a bit more, although will probably find, it's another thing already connected to the PD.

Ffs
This pattern of anxiety around communication can be associated with autism spectrum conditions (that bit about how is my opinion on a film relevant to my professional life as an accountant, in my job I take on the "accountant" mask and can do "accountant" stuff confidently but my non-accountant thoughts and feelings are not relevant, that is quite a common line of thought in autism)

It can also be linked to general inhibition (very shy people, who again can step outside themselves by adopting a professional role)

And to people who have, to a certain extent, overcome childhood selective mutism enough that they can communicate in certain contexts (again, tends to be the impersonal and fact based situations) but don't have access to full and free speech except with a few "safe" people.

Oh and I should point out the no shit response isn't used as a normal go-to for those I don't really know. I give out those responses to those who won't get the message, even when I have told them I don't do small talk. Those who know me, know to ask me a stupid question and expect a stupid answer back.

But then I have found out the hard way not to say I don't do small talk.
You would think I had committed a massive crime. The interrogation, at least that it feels like - what do you mean you don't do small talk? - Everyone does small talk, what's wrong with you? And on and on.

By the sounds of it, she's introvert. But extroverts don't like that. They demand that introverts talk because their need to hear someone prattling on about inconsequential details that are absolutely no one else's business is way more important than someone's perfectly natural desire to just be with their thoughts.

Don't worry, OP. The world agrees with you. It's perfectly acceptable to decide she's rude and demand some conversation. Your needs are way more important than hers.