Colleague doesnt talk at all

[Sarah510]

So I share an office with another woman - our work is separate so we don't "need" to talk about work, well it would be interesting for me to hear about what she's doing but she doesn't ever share anything. But more than that, she goes for days without speaking except 'hello' and sometimes a 'bye'. The rest of the day we just work in silence. It makes me feel a bit weird and to be honest a bit lonely. I have tried to make conversation but she always shuts it down straight away one-word answer so I haven't initiated any conversations this week, and it's been silence all day every day, so I guess it's what she wants. She is busy I get it, but it does feel weird to me. AIBU

@cybercontroller oh come on she is fucking rude , doesn't speak all day and then makes excuses not to walk to a training event with OP
I wouldnt want somebody working for me like that, just imagine having to sit in a room all day with the bore , OP should be concerned for her own mental health it sounds utterly depressing , there are plenty of people I dont want to speak with but it's called being an adult you make an effort, not everybody who acts twattish had mental health problems , its actually insulting to people with mental health problems to believe they do

@k1233 making a couple of minutes of pleasant small talk is not chatting "for hours on end" though is it? If you are chatting all day and not doing work then there's a problem, but there's a vast difference between chatting all day and sitting in silence.

Most workplaces also allow you a lunch break in which you can chat if you like.

I have to account for every 15 minutes of my time at work, and like you we have targets (although ours are 90% chargeable) but we still find time to crack a smile and ask how everyone's doing.

Like I did, we have lots of staff who move to the city for work and don't know anyone. If I'd gone to an office where noone talked I'd rarely have spoken to anyone in my first few weeks here. It would have been extremely tough and lonely.

Maybe she didn't want to hold the op up whilst she finished whatever she was working on.

Some might see that as considerate. Maybe she didn't know if it would take 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Not like technology never lets you down especially when you need to go and do something else.

It could have so easily have gone that the colleague was being unreasonable for holding them both up for the training event.

just imagine having to sit in a room all day with the bore

Now you see - for me it's the chatterer who is the bore. I loathed working in open plan or shared offices. At work I need to concentrate - I don't want my chain of thought broken by an inane comment about the weather.

As for makes excuses not to walk to a training event with OP If this was a man trying to force their company on a woman the responses here would be very different.

I’m quiet at work but if someone makes the effort to ask how I am I would at least have the common courtesy to also relay the question back to that person, ‘I’m fine thanks for asking, how about you?’. Simply replying ‘fine’ IMO is quite rude.

I used to sit beside someone like this and I eventually asked to be moved as, like the OP, I felt really lonely and isolated. It’s important to have a good working relationship with colleagues and, in my opinion, sitting in silence all day with someone who appears to have no social skills or desire to have any relationship with her colleagues whatsoever, can be damaging to morale.

Tell your manager how you feel OP, we spend most of our lives at work and life is too short to be miserable.

Weird!!!! My situation is the reverse.... I want to talk (not insessently just over coffee or lunch) but they shut me down with dismissive retorts so I don't bother now. Makes me sad and lonely.

So if someone was, for example, autistic and had difficulty in social situations as a result you wouldn't employ them because of their disability, even if they were capable of doing the work required?
Yes, but in this case not put them in a room with one other person who had normal human social needs. Even from the pov of not wanting to lose them and waste time and money rehiring, but mostly because I’d recognise the unhappiness and social isolation of the OP.

Other than moving the op, what can management actually do?

How would you even approach this?
Look boss, I have an issue with Lisa. She does her work, but when it comes to the small talk nothing. Wanted to walk to the training thing, instead, she said you go ahead, I need to finish or whatever.

I’m a bit ADD. In my last job I had to tune out everything that was going on around me in order to concentrate fully and not get distracted. My colleagues didn’t really understand this tbh. I was expected to be attentive to what was going on AND be able to concentrate on my work.

so I said 'I'm off to a training session see you later' and she said 'oh I'm going to that too' so I said 'ah ok, I'll hold on a minute for you' (she was typing something), and she said 'no need, just go ahead'. She arrived literally a few seconds after me.

Honestly, I do this kind of thing sometimes - for me it's because I have social anxiety.

However, I do empathise... I wouldn't be able to sit next to someone all day every day and not make conversation, eventually I'd be comfortable enough to chat away to you, but maybe she finds it really tough. Or she's just rude.

I feel your pain, OP. I was in a very similar situation. In my case it was passive/aggressive bullying. It worked. I left.

At least you get a hello in the morning. I used to work with someone exactly the same but she wouldn't even say hello, I'd just get a grunt!

It was depressing and quite stressful as she was like a black cloud hanging over the office. It was just us two in one room.

I left in January and that was a big reason, and am now in a lovely friendly buzzy office where people chat but also get on with their work.

She is there to work, not to entertain you or listen to your moaning.

How times have changed. when I started work back in the 90s chatting with your colleagues and joking was a nice way to pass the time, and I say that as a very shy awkward person! nowadays I see people with their ear phones in all day, and I do think people are becoming so disconnected from each other and what makes us human.

apart from if people have asd or social anxiety that is of course totally understandable

I'm an introvert who finds lots of small talk draining, but I would really struggle with this. To sit in a room all day with someone who says nothing other than hi or bye would make me feel super awkward. All those who've said work is for work, surely a few minutes of conversation a day isn't going to ruin your flow? It doesn't sound like they're doing brain surgery where they require absolute uninterrupted concentration - they're sitting in front of a computer. We spend so many hours of our week at work, it's so much more pleasant when everyone makes a little bit of effort. I work with the other extreme - a colleague who talks at me constantly, which can be irritating, but I do think there's a happy medium to strike!

I've been thinking about the work is a social thing. That's why we go to engage with other people etc. (Sorry sometimes I overthink things)

Isn't one of the positives about wfh is that it increases work productivity and raises moral? There are no colleagues for your small talk. Many working people live alone and some have few if any people in their lives. Or what about when the partner is away for long periods of time, so reduces who they can talk shite to.

Never mind your Sole traders, freelancer etc who have no colleagues to talk shite to.

But somehow these people are successful.

Your colleague isn’t obliged to chat to you, you sound selfish and inconsiderate

No, she doesn’t JKScot4 .
The OP sounds like she doesn’t want to spend all day every day sitting in an awkward silence. If it was a companionable silence then that’s fine, but it clearly isn’t.

I don’t want to talk all day either but I do expect normal social skills and pleasantries from colleagues

I think that makes for a much more pleasant working atmosphere. I do have friends at work, but socialise with them at lunchtime as I don’t have time to chat with them when we are working. My team mates and I enjoy the occasional bit of banter, but most of the time we quietly get on with our work.

OK so general consensus is IABU!

No, you aren’t. Not at all. Mumsnet has a disproportionate number of introvert posters, and the replies clearly reflect this. Posters who say that you are there to work and not talk to anyone at all during the day sound like joyless killjoys to me. It is entirely possible to find a balance between being quiet and appearing downright rude.

One of our team members is a self-confessed introvert and is quiet most of the time, but she does chat now and again, and we just accept that she just doesn’t like talking very much.

There's various reasons why someone doesn't talk.

Anxiety
ASD
Wanting to concentrate on work
She thinks you're a PITA...

One of our team members is a self-confessed introvert and is quiet most of the time, but she does chat now and again,

Aside from the self-confessed bit, nothing different from the ops colleague. She's quiet but does talk occasionally if asked something.

@cybercontroller oh come on she is fucking rude , doesn't speak all day and then makes excuses not to walk to a training event with OP
I wouldnt want somebody working for me like that, just imagine having to sit in a room all day with the bore , OP should be concerned for her own mental health it sounds utterly depressing , there are plenty of people I dont want to speak with but it's called being an adult you make an effort, not everybody who acts twattish had mental health problems , its actually insulting to people with mental health problems to believe they do

How do you know it's not mental health problems? I have a condition which means I would find it difficult to make small talk and would much prefer to just work in silence. But I suppose I'm just a rude twattish bore who should stop making excuses.

No op's colleague sounds really rude, she doesn't ask anything about op for one thing. You can be shy but still show common courtesy. This thread is depressing. As I said upthread I am a shy introverted person, but the op's colleague sounds like she is deliberately making people feel uncomfortable.

I've been out with two colleagues this evening (for work) and barely said anything. I'm autistic, I have a headache and a lot of work on, plus worrying about world events. Trying to make small talk was just too much for me today. I'm not in this routine in my office (shared with one other) where I do speak but it generates a lot of stress when I'm thinking about transgressing boundaries and how and what I'm saying.

If I was less sociable then not speaking would be easier. For whatever reason, how she is choosing to interact is probably easier for her. I get that it isn't much fun for you but she probably has her reasons and they are unlikely to be anything personal about you.

I ended up sat on a small room with a person who barely said a word all day every day. It was AWFUL! I left.