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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Colleague doesnt talk at all

257 replies

Sarah510 · 11/03/2020 14:58

So I share an office with another woman - our work is separate so we don't "need" to talk about work, well it would be interesting for me to hear about what she's doing but she doesn't ever share anything. But more than that, she goes for days without speaking except 'hello' and sometimes a 'bye'. The rest of the day we just work in silence. It makes me feel a bit weird and to be honest a bit lonely. I have tried to make conversation but she always shuts it down straight away one-word answer so I haven't initiated any conversations this week, and it's been silence all day every day, so I guess it's what she wants. She is busy I get it, but it does feel weird to me. AIBU

OP posts:
Elphame · 11/03/2020 18:11

She really doesn’t owe you any conversation. You might find it rude but it’s equally rude to try and force conversation on someone who doesn’t want to engage socially.

She says hello and goodbye so basic social niceties are being observed.

Newjez · 11/03/2020 18:11

Isn't that what headphones are for? So you don't have to bother talking with your workmates?

lilgreen · 11/03/2020 18:11

Sad

NeckPainChairSearch · 11/03/2020 18:12

You'll have all the perfect lot here in a minute saying they hate making new friends and talking at work

It's a small thing, and maybe I've just seen too many arsehole comments on MN today, but 5 posts in...why this? Why not just post your POV without getting in a pre-emptive strike at other posters?

And what does it even mean? The 'perfect lot who hate making friends'?

It's just so unnecessary.

Benjispruce · 11/03/2020 18:17

If nobody talked to me at work for 8 hours I would be very sad and probably leave. What an awful way to spend the majority of your life. If you like isolation, office work is not for you.

adaline · 11/03/2020 18:19

If you like isolation, office work is not for you.

I agree, but most people don't have the luxury of being too picky with what work they do.

Jux · 11/03/2020 18:20

My last job was like this; 5 of us in the office, dead silence all day. I didn't mind that much, as I knew that they were incredibly busy, as was I, but one of hte reasons I so badly wanted a job (been out of the workforce for nearly 20 years) was the social aspect - just to hear different povs about stuff. Brexit was happening while I was there and the only people I could talk to about it were dh, dd and dbro. DH and dbro being leavers, dd a remainer. Turned out all bar one in theoffice were also leavers. No debate or chat about it though.

idontlike789 · 11/03/2020 18:33

I'd also be sad if nobody spoke in my office . I once worked in a small office and 2 colleagues were very chatty when it suited both would literally talk at me as soon as I or they walked in , nothing Important just full details of a film that was watched at the weekend I mean give me chance to get my coat off and grab a coffee.
There has to be a compromise like morning how are you ? Good thanks you ? , would you like a coffee etc . You don't want colleagues who bore you into submission the 2nd you walk in . I should add that both these colleagues knew nothing about me because they never asked me it was all about them a conversation is a two way street . She sounds like she is either very shy or just doesn't want to engage . If it bothers you can you look for another job ?

EricaNernie · 11/03/2020 18:33

I would hate it, my colleague rarely talks, i find it very rude.

Stressmess · 11/03/2020 18:36

I work with a woman like this too, only she can talk but doesn't talk to me, not at all. Small team who all do their own individual areas but work would be interlinked. She comes in, in the morning and just about says 'Morning' but there are times at night where she will say 'Bye' or other times she will just pack up her stuff and go. There would be two women she would be chatty with but she speaks really low so you maybe could only hear bits of the conversation. If I started a conversation she wouldn't join in.

If the two women she is chatty with aren't in she would just sit there all day behind a screen and not say a word, work related or none work related to me. Its been going on for so long now that I just find it really awkward. I find myself tense up when she comes in and its like my shoulders drop again when she leaves. The days when she is not there or on holidays I am so much more relaxed. There are some days it has been painful and I have found myself getting up to have someone to talk to or doing jobs away from my desk. So I feel your pain..

Youcanstay · 11/03/2020 19:02

She sounds fine to me.

Just leave her be.

JKScot4 · 11/03/2020 19:17

Some of the responses on here are outright nasty, what happened to all those supportive replies you see to posts about anxiety, social awkwardness, ASD, ADD and yet here is this woman being called ignorant, rude, mannerless, selfish because she’s quiet and doesn’t want to chat.
Imagine a reverse;
I’m socially anxious/have ASD but have found a job I’m good at & hope it will build my confidence, but I have a colleague who keeps trying to get me to chat to her, I’m not comfortable with this.
MN at it’s hypocritical self.

lilgreen · 11/03/2020 19:20

She’s not quiet she’s rude and ignores her colleague.

JKScot4 · 11/03/2020 19:21

She doesn’t ignore her, she replies when spoken to, she just doesn’t continue or instigate conversation; that’s not rude.

lilgreen · 11/03/2020 19:23

Doesn’t want to walk with her but follows seconds later? Rude.
Replies sarcastically to a normal weather conversation. Rude.

lilgreen · 11/03/2020 19:23

It’s rude to not make any conversation with a work colleague. It’s a social setting.

Flyingpurplepeopleeater · 11/03/2020 19:29

How are you?
Fine.
Technically she has answered the questioned but I would find this rude. 2 extra words (fine) thanks, you?
As the OP knows shes not going to get any response I doubt that will lead into a 25 min monologue about her in growing toenail or such like. She would most likely answer with a quick good thanks and the horrific ordeal for the other person would be over in seconds
MN seems to have an enormous number of people who for some reason cant do social interaction.
Theres a whole spectrum between boring the pants of someone about your pets/holiday/kids/ailments and merely passing the time of day or saying hello to someone.

Rosegoldglass · 11/03/2020 19:29

Op I would find that really difficult- I don’t think I could stay working there.
Any chance you could move into another office?

Fluffymulletstyle · 11/03/2020 19:39

I'm quite introvert and love my job. I've worked in many different variations of the same role on different teams and it's the colleagues who make or break a job. They can suck the life and energy out of you. I'm lucky to have worked in some brilliant teams who humour is what powers us through what can be difficult days/ weeks and months! I couldn't work in that atmosphere...

Thisismytimetoshine · 11/03/2020 19:40

Work isn’t a social setting. Maybe that’s the problem; if there’s a complete mismatch between someone who thinks this way, and someone who’s happy to mainly get on with their job rather than witter on about the price of fish, one will be considered rude and the other a pain in the arse.

ffswhatnext · 11/03/2020 19:42

How is saying hello, goodbye and answering questions rude, ignorant, weird, shows a lack of manners/politeness, hard work, lacking social skills, an ignorant ass etc? Or they have to be on a spectrum or have some other 'acceptable' health issue?

What is so wrong is saying fine when someone asks you if you're ok? Would it be better if the other person went into their sometimes, extremely personal problems?

It's the middle of winter and someone says it's cold. Really, thanks for letting me know this. It's such phenomenon news.
Oh you mean you want to hear 'yea I know'. Why? Is it even really worthy of an answer?
Now if in the middle of a heatwave and it suddenly started snowing, then yea people want to know about it.

Do you (general) love the sound of your own voice, that you have to talk about such minor things?

And when I was employed, I would have loved any of my bosses to come and say look FFS your work is whatever, blah, blah, blah, but really you have to participate more in small talk because it makes you look unprofessional. Oh, it's not about how you communicate in company-related things. Just more small talk. If you're asked how you are, please take this as a clear indication that people want to know what's going on medically. Be encouraging when someone points out to you, after you arrived in a coat and hat, that it's cold outside. I know we don't have an actual company policy about it, but you know.

Leaannb · 11/03/2020 19:43

@Jux its very unprofessional to discuss politics at work though

ffswhatnext · 11/03/2020 19:47

Technically, she could respond with the loaded and you bit. But is still getting over one of the really bad ones.

I know it's not an extreme of one or the other.

Who knows once she realises the op isn't one of the extreme ones, she will start adding an extra word to make her responses more acceptable.

Leaannb · 11/03/2020 19:47

@lilgreen No it isn't a social setting. Its a professional setting. A social setting would be a friend's home,cafe,restaurant etc.....Not work

ffswhatnext · 11/03/2020 19:49

We were always advised by the big bosses, to avoid politic talks during elections. I can understand why. They can get very heated, just watch Parliament Live 😂