Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague doesnt talk at all

257 replies

Sarah510 · 11/03/2020 14:58

So I share an office with another woman - our work is separate so we don't "need" to talk about work, well it would be interesting for me to hear about what she's doing but she doesn't ever share anything. But more than that, she goes for days without speaking except 'hello' and sometimes a 'bye'. The rest of the day we just work in silence. It makes me feel a bit weird and to be honest a bit lonely. I have tried to make conversation but she always shuts it down straight away one-word answer so I haven't initiated any conversations this week, and it's been silence all day every day, so I guess it's what she wants. She is busy I get it, but it does feel weird to me. AIBU

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 12/03/2020 13:14

This thread has reminded me that I got into a spot of bother once for sending an email that I thought was succinct and to the point, but which some recipients thought was brusque and were offended by. Why can’t allowances be made for people with different communication styles?

ffswhatnext · 12/03/2020 13:40

I got complaints for not including something like is that ok?
Any questions fire away wasn't enough for some. All I did was send an email about an update in something. It wasn't even a question.

Felt sorry for that particular boss. Some were running to her all the time to make petty complaints and not just about me!! So eventually she had enough and suddenly teams were reshuffled.

I'm not sure if the pressure got too much or what. But one day she 'snapped' and in a staff meeting told us any more petty complaints she would be sharing them with all, instead of the usual tactics.

And fuck me the 'complaints' when she started reading them out was insane.One of my favs - A staff member nicely spent time making an assortment of sweet and savoury food for staff. Even the socially inept, rude, weirdo I am said thanks. Complaints to the boss included, too spicy, nothing there for me as I don't like, something a little undercooked and not in a dangerous way.
Someone said wow, I was thinking you ungrateful cunts. No names were mentioned, but it quickly became obvious who some of the complainers were.

annamie · 12/03/2020 14:29

This thread has reminded me that I got into a spot of bother once for sending an email that I thought was succinct and to the point, but which some recipients thought was brusque and were offended by. Why can’t allowances be made for people with different communication styles?

Because you’re a woman and you therefore have to litter your emails with plenty of words like ‘just wondering’, ‘can I just’, ‘it would be great it...’.

Original poster
Sarah510 · 12/03/2020 14:33

Everythingpeachy - lol "Walkman" we must be the same vintage!!!

OP posts:
Doubleyouexwhyandzed · 12/03/2020 16:48

Yanbu, sounds miserable. I definitely couldn’t work like that.

Jux · 12/03/2020 16:51

LeaanneB, Is it? Wherever I worked, before I had dd and developed ms and so couldn't work any more, we all talked about anything and everything. Maybe things were different in central London back then?

swimmingclubs · 12/03/2020 17:00

So many people saying this is ok, sounds grim, human connection is important, looking out for each other, caring, this takes communication!

lilgreen · 12/03/2020 17:05

Live now in bbc2 Boris- no school closing yet but school trips abroad cancelled.

Harls1969 · 12/03/2020 17:56

She might actually be painfully shy but masks it. Maybe she doesn't like people much. She could have ASD and not see the need for social interaction. Just accept that's her way and try not to let it worry you

mrsBtheparker · 12/03/2020 18:43

My colleagues don't even know that I have children or Im about to be a grandmother. I dont even think they know Im married

This was me when I was working. One of my Department got married during the school holidays without telling the rest of the staff and a lot of people were very nasty to him but not everyone mixes their home and work lives.

angelfacecuti75 · 12/03/2020 19:10

Some people just can't work whilst talking. Maybe get some headphones and listen to some music to drown out the silence.

Ginfordinner · 12/03/2020 19:45

So many people saying this is ok, sounds grim, human connection is important, looking out for each other, caring, this takes communication!

I agree.

It strikes me that some posters on here think it is all or nothing.

Real life isn't like that. Surely the extreme introverts don't really think that other people talk incessantly all day long? Because they don't. Passing the time of day occasionally doesn't make someone a chatterbox. Really, it doesn't. And if you can't even bear to say good morning and how are you to someone then maybe you should work from home.

I am not an introvert, but neither do I chat all day. I have work to do.

Sbnd · 12/03/2020 20:07

Just ask to move to another office if you can. Or put headphones on and listen to the radio. Also, get out of the office every hour and saying a few sentences to someone else will probably cheer you up? I work in a very quiet building in an office on my own, I don't have much in common with the young girls in the building, actually pretty much nothing in common! The blokes are arseholes or worse, bring the topic every bloody time around to how great they are, so I've given up talking to them. I just put headphones on and make the occasional conversation but focus on home life instead. Think about it, are you going to be working there forever, probably not? Plan for your next job then?

Rachel709 · 12/03/2020 20:44

YABU. She's polite coming and going. She doesn't have to talk to you. Some prefer that. She might be autistic for all you know.

mrsBtheparker · 12/03/2020 22:16

Just because people prefer to live their lives more privately than others does not automatically lead to it being 'autistic', not every personality difference needs a label!

urinetroubleagain · 12/03/2020 22:39

This is preferable to an non stop dullard blabbering on all day.

Ginfordinner · 12/03/2020 23:09

This is preferable to an non stop dullard blabbering on all day

But most people don't do that at work either.

MrsNC · 12/03/2020 23:17

I would definitely describe myself as a real introvert: I relish time alone, always choose to spend my (quite short) lunch break on my own, and frankly go out of my way to avoid being drawn into friendships in my personal life because I secretly resent the encroachment on my own time. But my work colleagues know me better than just about anyone, because if i have no choice but to spend time with people, I can't conceive of not interacting pleasantly with them. Obviously not all the time or you'd be a nuisance to your colleagues and never get your own work done. But I find it intensely awkward to be silent in the company of someone else in spite of the fact that I never mind being completely on my own. By the end of the working day I really struggle if I have to interact any more though. That's where the introvert bit really kicks in.

Amiable · 13/03/2020 00:16

She could have social anxiety, autism, hearing issues - any number of things which might mean she is uncomfortable chatting.

Don’t take it personally, continue to be friendly, and see if she does open up. Or ask to move?

Ginfordinner · 13/03/2020 06:48

MrsNC are you really not bothered about having any friends at all? Do you live on your own? Just curious.

Flyingpurplepeopleeater · 13/03/2020 07:40

*Ginfordinner

This is preferable to an non stop dullard blabbering on all day

But most people don't do that at work either.*

....and for the hundredth time there is whole range of normal between mute/borderline rude and continuous wittering. Most people exist comfortably between the 2.
Also do other work places have an ebb and flow where some tasks require intense concentration which means you cant focus on anything else (I imagine this would be virtually all the time if you were a pilot or brain sugeon) and other less consuming tasks which allow chat (if participants want...?)

Ginfordinner · 13/03/2020 08:13

Yes, you are right Flying. You have more or less described how I work. The difference is that when we are busy, and concentrating hard it is a companionable quiet, not an awkward silence.

caringdenise009 · 13/03/2020 08:57

I am in a very similar position, judging by the description of the behaviour. My colleague gets no response from me because if I do respond it unleashes a tsunami of banalities and oddities....why is it raining, I'm cold ( this one goes on forever and can include a description of every occasion she has been cold), have you ever seen a bear sleeping in a tree?, a "funny" story about her husband involving him being really unpleasant or unfaithful, she said she has serious untreatable cancer(she doesnt), questions fishing for really personal information, stories about her periods. I quite often come back into the room to find another colleague slumped over looking exhausted because he it too polite to shut her down. It's so draining, I love my job but I'm looking for a way out if she manages to pass her probation!

Elleyangel16 · 13/03/2020 10:06

she could have sm it is a phobia of people hearing their voice my son has it and so does thousands of people yet they can be totally confident in all other areas of their life

Emmelina · 13/03/2020 10:42

@caringdenise009 I worked with someone like that. I had to really limit my responses so she didn’t see an opening to flood me! Exactly the same kind of over sharing, though instead of cancer it was her lack of immune system (which came with a whole other backstory).
Exhausting!