Colleague doesnt talk at all

[Sarah510]

So I share an office with another woman - our work is separate so we don't "need" to talk about work, well it would be interesting for me to hear about what she's doing but she doesn't ever share anything. But more than that, she goes for days without speaking except 'hello' and sometimes a 'bye'. The rest of the day we just work in silence. It makes me feel a bit weird and to be honest a bit lonely. I have tried to make conversation but she always shuts it down straight away one-word answer so I haven't initiated any conversations this week, and it's been silence all day every day, so I guess it's what she wants. She is busy I get it, but it does feel weird to me. AIBU

Yanbu op but your thread title naturally draws out the introvert non talkers who have a LOT to say surprisingly.

Hi have this in my office. Depressing some days. Just keyboards typing. Another colleague said its so tense. I do be glad to see home time. I accept yes there to work but nobody might talk for hours!!

LOL I'm definitely not an extrovert, nobody would ever describe me as one. I would hate to work with a chatty person who 'overshared'. Maybe this is better! It's just a bit lonely. In my last job I had my own office, and it never bothered me, but it's just having someone so near, and no conversation at all, it bothers me. I cant help it! Will suck it up though and put in the headphones more often.

I'd find this really difficult tbh

I would hate it if my work colleagues didnt ever chat. I often ask them for advice or a second opinion on a work related matter but generally we have a chat too, and collectively do pop master when it's on the radio!

I can't think of many roles where you need absolutely no interaction whatsoever with colleagues. Some of the posters on here seem to have very junior roles if they can be so rude and get away with it. If you think no one can discuss a subject worthy of your own importance, you are in the wrong place, and not good at directing conversation, aren't you?

You don't indicate what kind of work you do, OP, but possibly she needs to concentrate more than you do?

This is perfectly possible.

In my last academic job, the two women in the next-door office were similarly mismatched conversationally, but I could see both their points. The more talkative had a lengthy commute and stayed over two nights a week during termtime, which involved staying with a relative of her DH's, which was rather a strain, and I think she wanted to unload slightly at work. The comparatively silent one was a very serious young woman in her first job, a complete perfectionist taking huge pains to get everything right, and found anything more than 'Hi' and 'Bye' a distraction.

I did think that maybe she may be on the spectrum and so small talk maybe isnt her thing, or maybe a previous work colleague took small talk to the extreme and just didnt know when to stop, so her way of handling it is to just keep to herself. I have a colleague who takes every spoken opportunity to moan about everything, her husband, son, job, and it is relentless so now I never ask her how she is. I've also been on the wrong end of a bully and eventually one of the ways I could try to cope was to just not engage with her on a personal level at all. I'm not suggesting this is you but maybe a bitter previous experience has meant this is how she copes especially as it seems it is only the 2 of you. Maybe the best way to think about it is that the other extreme would be much worse where she was a chatterbox or bully for instance. I worked with a girl who would talk to everyone but me. I was new and for whatever reason she took a dislike to me. Went out of her way to leave me out of conversations ignoring me when I spoke. I now realise it was bullying. I used to make the effort to be friendly but to no avail, eventually I just decided she wasnt worth the effort and so I just carried on and pretended she wasnt there and she started coming around a bit but I left soon after so I'm not sure we would ever have been friendly work colleagues. You might find the more you back off or choose not to care the more she might be a bit more forthcoming.

I'm excellent at direct conversation PP and definitely not in a junior role.

Work-related interaction is completely different from the run of the mill small talk.
Talk to me about work and I'm all ears. Small talk, go and bother someone else.

And seems no one can win. Talk too much, it's annoying. Don't talk, it's annoying. Answer a question in the wrong way, and it's annoying 😂

OP I sympathise with you. As I said in a pp I get on well with my work colleagues. I hate it if there is only a few people in, or someone is in a mood, it makes it a really long day.
I had a similar issue with a lady who lived near me, we bumped into each other all the time.(school, kids clubs, caught the same train etc) I would smile and say hi most times I saw her. She would always try not to make eye contact or blank me. I didn't want to be her best friend or hear her life story but a smile or eye contact just seemed the polite thing to do when we saw each other just about daily.

I have a head injury which has resulted in a slight stammer. It is much more noticeable when I am tired or stressed and I find initiating small talk with strangers is very hard. I outwardly look quite confident and even intimidating (I have tattoos). I don't have a problem chatting with people I know, they accept my stammering and I don't feel I have to apologise for it.

Strangers are another matter. I find it very hard to make friends and tend to associate with people who are not "life and soul of the party" sort of people. So I find people trying to make small talk with me for the sake of it quite wearing. I also lose the plot if someone asks me a direct question as I feel I need to answer straight away and can't always do this. People who know me will generally move onto something else and give me time to formulate a reply in my own time.

Is it possible things might improve with time? It doesn't sound as though she is being openly hostile. Have you tried initiating conversation via internet messaging or similar? Sounds daft if someone is sitting next to you, but we sometimes do it in meetings, i.e. I might message the person next to me when we are all dialled into a conference call and someone else is talking to say something like, "Did he actually say that we are all getting a bonus of 10% or did I mishear that?" or similar. It might open the door anyway.

She sounds hard work ...I should just leave it . I enjoy my job and we have to communicate with each other to do our job well . Maybe find out if you can work in a different office if possible.

Sounds like you’re trying too hard.

Give it a few months so that a natural co-existence can form.

And if it doesn't naturally form, except that she is one of those who compartmentalise their lives.

Just because the other extreme is also not desirable doesn't mean this would be pleasant. So I disagree with those taking that point of view.

I'm an introvert and hate the constant noise of an open plan office but would find the OP's situation difficult to deal with too. There's a nice balance to be had (which varies by person!).

Sounds very hard going op, you have my sympathy. Good work relationships can turn a mundane or stressful job into a much lighter load.

I’m quiet so I can sympathise with her, I probably wouldn’t be making much conversation in that sort of set up either.

let's not pretend you have to be either mute or go into full details about the most mundane details of your existence for hours on end.

People should just be polite, exchange a couple of sentences politely and get on with their life.

It's bad enough if you are on the same level or junior, but anyone senior can't treat the more junior staff like shit by refusing to talk to them.

justincase I'm not sure that the OP has said anywhere that colleague refuses to talk to her. Colleague says hi and bye and will answer when spoken to, she just doesn't seem to need to go beyond that and expand on answers or initiate chat.

I've worked for a team where no one spoke all day, it was totally silent & really got to me. I spent years doing maternity cover roles so got good at thawing out frosty new coworkers, but that defeated me. I'd try offering to make a drink for her while you're making one, offering treats you've bought etc. Comment nicely on something they have:book, gadget, pic of partner/cat/child or what they're wearing etc. Even very introvert people thaw if you're regularly nice, interested & positive (but not full on & in their face). I avoid weather comments, not much potential to go anywhere conversation wise & doesn't really break any ice. I needed to build rapport with a very distant colleague workwise, so complimented her great outfit one day, cue instant thaw & she recommended me for a better role job there too.

I'm have social anxiety and hate small talk etc because I find it draining. When I am at work I lone work and love not having to interact with people. But you wouldn't be able to tell this because I am super confident at my job and appear fine. I sometimes have to work with others and I can be very quiet, It took me years to work through that. She could have anxiety issues but he hiding them really well.

Or she could just hate chit chat and she might not want to make small talk. Some people have no interest in it because they aren't interested in making friends.

so ... she IS refusing to talk basically.

Rudeness is never necessary and acceptable, but even less in the work place. People can rightly complain about a colleague with an attitude.

They can complain about someone not shutting up all day too obviously... but unlike what some posters are pretending, it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other.

I had this in a previous work place and I was so lonely. I'm very much in the camp that you go to work to work, but to have no friendly conversation at all, for the whole working week, was just awful.

I’m just about to move jobs from an open plan office with around a hundred people in my area and a team where we all know each other really well and chat/have lots of laughs in a really relaxed environment ... to a new job I don’t know where I’ll be sat in an office with one other woman. I’m praying we get on 🙏