Have an amazing husband but a rubbish sex life.

[Foxton20]

Hi, posting for traffic.

I have an amazing husband/man that Iv been with for 6 years. We got married last year.

He’s a fab dad to our daughter and my two oldest. He works hard and provides everything without ever moaning. He earns a very good wage and supports us all. He does all the cooking, it’s hilarious, and I can honestly say my best friend. I absolutely love spending time with him and miss him when he’s at work. He works shift work so rarely here.

He is everything I could possibly want in a man, and what I hope my daughters would look up to.

The problem is we barely have sex or anything. Probably once/twice a month. I can’t remember the last time we had foreplay. It’s normally missionary in the dark.

He hasn’t got much confidence, won’t undress in front of me and hates me touching his belly etc. He’s rugby player built and I fancy the arse off him.

He says he thinks I’m pressuring him if I discuss sex. I’m the second person he’s slept with.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split my family up, the kids adore him and would never forgive me.
I adore him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But it’s got to the point I’m desperate for some attention. My confidence has never been so low. I want to feel wanted.

You dressed up for him and he loved it

But you don't want to repeat it because of your own body issues

Here's the thing - find what he loves and give it to him.

That will then give you what you want - more sex - if you keep mirroring his body issues with your own, the whole situation becomes self perpetuating

That is a positive he enjoyed when you dressed up, it took the focus off him. I agree with others if you have body issues too and dislike dressing up he'll feel it.
Fake it till you make it, get them stockings out, stick on some tan, you'll be fab.

The news is always full of people who have had unfortunate experiences in childhood. Perhaps this is upsetting him.

I understand what you mean when you say your not his type.. i'm not my other halves type either.. i'm alot taller, bigger boobs and not as toned as his "ideal" woman and still 3.5 years down the line it sometimes affects my confidence and that in turn definitely affects our sex life.

I agree with @chatterbugmegastar though. He loved you dressing up so try that again and hopefully that will lead to more of what you both want and need.. confidence and sex.

Foxton20
There's a great discussion about sex and low sex drive now on Radio 5 live. The expert is really knowledgeable and puts it all into perspective. Get it on catch up when you get a chance.

i'm not my other halves type either.. i'm alot taller, bigger boobs and not as toned as his "ideal" woman and still 3.5 years down the line it sometimes affects my confidence and that in turn definitely affects our sex life That passes I completely forgot I felt like that with DP in the first few years, he always went for more full figured good bum, dark hair, dark skin ladies were his type.
I am skinny pale blonde with no bum.

Honestly, my first reaction was “He’s gay”, now before you dismiss me, it’s not just the lack of sex, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 22 despite you saying he’s a good looking guy with a good body, you’re only the second woman he’s been with sexually and it’s lights off missionary only and no foreplay (so minimum touching and minimum seeing). As a gay woman, those are massive signs to me that he could be gay. I lost my virginity at 22 to a man, it was also lights off missionary, no foreplay and after that I came out as gay because I couldn’t stand a life of pretending to enjoy or avoiding sex, some people prefer to pretend/avoid and never come out. The guy I was with have no idea I was gay, so partners don’t always know.

Failing that, he’s either not sexually attracted to you, or he’s got a lot of hang ups over sex, no one can know for sure other than him, so my advice would be to ask him.

So according to the experts here anyone with a low sex drive is potentially gay...okay, you wise people.

He’s definitely not gay.

He didn’t lose his virginity because he had a long term girlfriend who didn’t want sex. Then he went on a few dates but obviously didn’t go anywhere.

He’s very gentlemanly. He’s quite old in his ways.

a lot of missing information here if looking for sensible comments, e.g.

1. his age;
2. her age;
3. whether he's a tactile person generally [including with the kids etc];
4. whether he likes receiving cough hand relief;
5. whether he likes giving hand relief;
6. ditto receiving oral;
7. ditto giving oral;
8. ditto various types of intercourse;
9. actually what stuff she likes doing [maybe it's boring/uninteresting to him]?
10. does he mind being seen just walking round naked?
11. what if anything did he tell OP about his previous relationship?
12. how would he describe OP character wise if writing this thread on dadsnet, e.g. sweetness and light/funny/tiresome/bad tempered/nagging?
13. detailed information on how happy he is in other aspects of his life, e.g. work etc.

on the face of it, twice a month [if we are talking twice rather than once] doesn't sound at all awful to me if we're say talking about two ppl in early middle age with three kids, one of them presumably young?

Tried talking to him.

I’m not sure he finds me attractive. Which I don’t understand because I was bigger before we had our youngest and he couldnt keep his hands off me. He made me feel the most beautiful woman in the world.

Obviously he won’t admit he doesn’t find my attractive. But Iv told him I’m going to lose more weight.

I think Iv lost confidence which means I take no care in myself. And I’m wearing the same shit every day nearly.

I feel so depressed and down atm. I just want confidence. I want to feel sexy.

Which I don’t understand because I was bigger before we had our youngest and he couldnt keep his hands off me. He made me feel the most beautiful woman in the world

I thought you said your sex life had always been crap?

It has, but doesn’t mean sexually, he cuddled me even more etc

Once or twice a month isn't uncommon. Exh was like this. You need to talk but also realise that there's more to life

Okay, well, take on one of the suggestions on here since you are sure he's not gay. But I also don't think it's such an out there idea. It can take some time or sometimes just a particular person to realise that your sexuality isn't black and white or that you are far happier with a same sex partner. Yes, I'm one of those people!

Plenty of people just have a low sex drive, it doesn’t mean they’re gay!

Maybe try some different things to spice up your sex life.

I don't think he is gay but maybe picking up on your dislike for yourself which in itself is unattractive. Maybe get some new underwear, a nice dress etc
Maybe he needs some enticing on your part. He might have a lower sex drive which means maybe you need to iniate a bit.

He sounds busy and tired also, maybe you cook dinner a few nights a week to take the pressure of him a little

Low sex drive can be for a number of different reasons:
Confidence
Medical reasons
Past abuse
To name a few. If he's not willing to have sex more than twice a month maybe suggest that you talk somewhere away from the bedroom about your joint feelings every week.
People's 'type' changes. He's in love with you. Providing you know the source of the problem, you can then decide if this is the future you both want.

It has, but doesn’t mean sexually, he cuddled me even more etc

I'm sorry, I don't understand this. You said your sex life had always been crap but are not saying you didn't mean sexually when you said that?
You say it meant he cuddled you more - but I thought from your posts, you were still cuddly now?

I really hope you find some useful answers here. For what it's worth I keep my social life restricted to people who will come for walks with me. It's really good for getting those exercise endorphins that make everything feel better. You sound like being lifted up by something other than sex might take the pressure off both of you. xxxx

If you're not confident about your body, dressing up will seem awkward at first, but.... He loved it. So, have another try as you can build both of your confidence on that starting point. It's easy to find pretty dress up outfits that flatter your good bits & hide bits you don't like. Also role playing a character is great if you're shy sexually as you can 'be' an alter ego, not yourself, so it takes pressure off . Ask him his favourite scenario, most men have one even shy ones: secretary, nurse, french maid, policewoman etc. If he doesn't like in your face 'sexy' a toned down version of one of those could kick start more open discussions on other preferences.

he couldnt keep his hands off me

Usually refers to sex, not cuddles.

100 per cent gay

He’s not fucking gay. I find it so offensive that people keep bringing this up!!!

Okay, then . Best of luck with the other suggestions then.