Have an amazing husband but a rubbish sex life.

[Foxton20]

Hi, posting for traffic.

I have an amazing husband/man that Iv been with for 6 years. We got married last year.

He’s a fab dad to our daughter and my two oldest. He works hard and provides everything without ever moaning. He earns a very good wage and supports us all. He does all the cooking, it’s hilarious, and I can honestly say my best friend. I absolutely love spending time with him and miss him when he’s at work. He works shift work so rarely here.

He is everything I could possibly want in a man, and what I hope my daughters would look up to.

The problem is we barely have sex or anything. Probably once/twice a month. I can’t remember the last time we had foreplay. It’s normally missionary in the dark.

He hasn’t got much confidence, won’t undress in front of me and hates me touching his belly etc. He’s rugby player built and I fancy the arse off him.

He says he thinks I’m pressuring him if I discuss sex. I’m the second person he’s slept with.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split my family up, the kids adore him and would never forgive me.
I adore him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But it’s got to the point I’m desperate for some attention. My confidence has never been so low. I want to feel wanted.

Definitely agree you need to try and have a chat away from the bedroom, when sex hasn't been approached at all. Try not to even use the word sex to start with as his guard will be up. Just tell him you love him, find him very attractive but that you are feeling like you need more physical attention from him. Eventually move onto the topic of sex.

He sounds like a lovely, hardworking kind man. He clearly wants to make you happy but I agree he sounds like he isn't confident in his sexual ability. Do you know what he finds sexy, or makes him tick. Is it massage or underwear etc. Once you've had the initial chat and tried to explain how you're feeling try and do something that makes you both feel sexy, you will get it sorted OP don't go looking for attention elsewhere just yet.

His fave saying is

“Why have sex when you can have TexMex”

Ffs 😂😂😩

He says hen prefers pretty to sexy, so underwear wise he prefers a pretty set.

Tbh my confidence is so low that I’m embarrassed to dress up for him.

I did it at the end of last year and he loved it! But I felt so self conscious

Why do you think it’s “hilarious” that he does all the cooking?
Why did you marry someone who you knew wasn’t that into sex and are now moaning about it?

@gingersausage well that's supportive.

Im almost in the same shoes,married for 9 years together longer.
From a different culture so sex discussions never really had and difficult to engage in.
I didn't even know about climaxing until later on in life when I self explored.

DH is first and only sexual partner and I have never had a climax with him in all these years.
Oral sex is truly awful and I avoid it.I believe we are just not compatible sexually but gel so much in every other way.
Funny enough we have an active sex life which I quite enjoy but it does nothing for me.
He is amazing as a husband and father.

I probably should have shares in love honey by now seeing as I have spent so much on toys which I use solo.
Divorce for sex? Never and culturally unacceptable especially as he is wonderful every other way,lol.

I empathize with you OP.

I think you are possibly right about not being his type sexually as you say (does he prefer petite more boyish figured women? I know men like this) and maybe he's too afraid to tell you.

You say the sex was not great beforehand, so it's not a bait and switch situation where my advice would be that this is abuse and you need to weigh up your options. Unfortunately you naively chose to marry knowing full well the sex was not great and that you may not be his 'fantasy' in terms of sex. So it would be unfair to demand he change now.

He appears to be a lovely man. and maybe being as there is some regular, if sparse sex you can overlook this part of things? Concentrate on the other things you mention.

Possibly he is doing too much and maybe you need to have a couple of nights where you cook and he rests. Then you need to discuss this without any pressure and tell him to be honest with you, even if it will hurt your feelings.

I think you need to get to know one another on a deeper level OP. It all seems quite surface level?
If you had a better understanding of him it might be the key to unlocking in all and gaining some more intimacy in all aspects.

'It's way more than that though. He won't undress in front of her. It has to be in the dark and missionary. Least contact possible. No foreplay. Won't discuss it'. Agree. It's still more socially acceptable for a woman to have body confidence issues though, so I can understand him being reluctant to discuss it. Obviously he needs to get some help with it.

This isn't meant harshly, but a lot of the advice given to woman about improving the frequency of their sex life, centres around not making penetration the end goal. So basically, kissing and cuddling, foreplay and not feeling pressured to 'go all the way' so to speak. If they have that already but OP still feels like her DH doesn't find her attractive, even if they do have daily sex will that be enough to make her feel wanted?

You want more sex but you’re too embarrassed to dress up in a ‘pretty’ underwear set, despite the fact that went over well with him?

How many hours a week do you work?

I wonder if the chances to be intimate with him are few and far between? You say you have 3 children ,hes working shifts and so on .Intimacy is more than just Sex and its difficult to fully relax (In the dark ,missionary position,sounds like a top secret act!) You say you snuggle on the sofa ,Maybe he needs a little massage or you to start things off by touching him ? Maybe if hes worried about DC hearing /coming in wrong moment .Could you have a W/E away or DP have them for a night or two? I dont think hes gay necessarily .Sometimes its easy to become Mum and Dad rather than partners when you have a family .

I did it at the end of last year and he loved it! But I felt so self conscious

Woah.... you two are just completely on different pages. The things you like make him feel self conscious ( apparently) and the thing he liked you felt self conscious. I personally don’t understand how you can have such a lovely, cuddly relationship and feel self conscious wearing a pretty underwear set for him. What was it that made you feel self conscious ? I think if you’re expecting him to do things outside his comfort zone it would be reasonable to expect you to do the same. Personally if I was trying to rev someone up and knew they liked underwear I’d be having a look at making a few purchases.

@Jenemsky If you have so many toys and enjoy them how come you don’t bring those into the bedroom with your husband? Why is oral so terrible? Like it’s really not hard to show / tell someone what to do.

I guess I get it a bit because I spent three years with someone great in bed but a really bad kisser. I enjoyed the bedroom stuff so much that it took me ages to try and get the kissing different - at which point he didn’t really listen or change anything. Is this what has happened for you regarding oral?

I think it’s because I hate my body too.

I lost a lot of weight and haven’t got the best body. 3 children and one section hasn’t left it in a good condition. I also have lipodema which I absolutely hate.

Maybe if he knows you have body issues he is worried about suggesting stuff he wants in case it makes you feel worse? Especially if he knows you think you arent his type.
I think you need counselling together so you can have an open conversation about it. It sounds like your marriage is fab and this would just make it even better

Sophiesong,
Oral sex is just never right,so much slobbering and no matter how I try to encourage,he loses steam and then I feel frustrated.This happened so many times that I've given up and when he wants to,I just pass because I feel it is pointless.

It's difficult to explain how out of sync we are when it comes to my body.Even his fingers go to the wrong place and I'm like how is this possible.
I try to redirect and yet it never seems to work.
It sounds crazy but it just is a mass of unfortunate events when it comes to my own pleasure.Its so bad that I've had to give up for my own sanity.

He hates toys..he knows I have them but acts like he doesn't know.
He was pretty sad when I brought it up,felt like it was a slight or something.

Honestly,I am living with this issue without making a huge fuss,I believe I can live without good sex.

It's not like I've ever had any comparisons anyways.

I think it’s because I hate my body too

Aah ok.... this is the body that carried and bore three children though. Perhaps you should start thinking about all the amazing aspects of it rather than the bits of it that don’t please you. I don’t think you’re going to have amazing sex if you’re both feeling awkward and self conscious so it might be you’re both trapped in a vicious circle.

Foxton20: The foreplay thing is because he doesn’t want me to see him naked, it’s like he’s embarrassed of his manhood

Come on. You can have loads of foreplay in the dark, under a duvet, he can even leave a robe on!!

It’s a massive issue that he doesn’t bother with your pleasure and sexual needs.

At this point, you don' have an amazing husband, but you have an amazing father for your children, and an amazing friend/companion.

Would you both consider couples counselling? Does he see it as an issue? All I will say, is please don't do nothing. I was in a sexless marriage for several years and it is soul destroying. You will likely end up very resentful, and with your self esteem at rock bottom. Sex/intimacy are an important part of a marriage, and the "glue" that keep people together. Unless of course, both partners are happy without a physical aspect to their relationship.

He’s definitely not gay.

He didn’t lose his virginity until 22,

And you are only the 2nd woman he has slept with? My exh had no other girlfriend before me and was a virgin aged 25 when we got together. We married, had two daughters, sex was sporadic as you describe and after 30 years he admitted he was gay and had been ina homosexual relationship for six years of our marriage.

I have been in this situation but in reverse.
Judging by the threads in Relationships there are many women who have body confidence issues, don't like their partner to see them naked and have low sex drives because of confidence.
I've never heard of a woman being told she is gay because of this.

Ok so I was only half joking when I said he is gay.

Seriously though, you can ask for all the advice you want on here but realistically you have to take direct action yourself.

If he's such an amazing man and your relationship is great apart from the sex, you should be able to have a proper discussion with him about your frustrations. If you can't, then this isn't a good relationship in my opinion.

Have you also tried sexting him? That way if he ignores your advances you can say it in words if you can't get yourself together enough to say it in person.

Let me guess...you initiated the relationship and the marriage?

You say that he's rarely at home. Works shifts. And when he is at home, he's desperately keeping busy.

Sorry but this all screams a man who is living a life that he thinks he should be - and not what he wants.

He may not be gay, but he's not happy. And neither are you.

Something has to change

I could have written this OP. Been with my DP 4 years, have a wonderful relationship, my DC dotes on him, he's my best friend, we have an open honest relationship and he also works shifts what are all over the place. Starts 5.30am some days, 2PM the next so we rearly see eachother. He has social anxiety and low self esteem and I find this does have a negative impact on our sex life. I'm always on top during sex, not that I mind, but any other position and he's worried he's not satisfying me. He's always tired due to work and he gets run down often.
So I went ahead and bought some sexy lingerie to spice things up a little and it seems to have improved things. I've started doing spontaneous things like join him in the shower, initiate sex when we're doing trivial things like watching a movie or doing housework together etc. Things you can maybe try?